February 7th, 2002

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I leave the lights on, you know I pretend you're on your way

Today was a short one. I had JUSTICE in the morning which always flies by, and the professor responded to my email questions to the whole class which made me feel good. I also got an email from him saying that he had noticed those girls cheating but wasn't going to make a big deal of it. We went over some Kant today which was weird as Kant always is, and it was decently explained. That grad student girl with the odd hand gestures sat one seat over from me today in class which was sort of strange since I was sitting in an extra row, but she didn't say anything or try to make rivalrous implications at me so I guess it was just a coincedence. It seems from the first discussion section that she figures to be the alpha dog in Professor Johnston's classroom, but I don't figure to roll over and whimper like a born Beta. She's got the grad student/first name advantage so I'll have to pull out the fact that I know one of his colleagues from another university and see if that helps even the playing field. Then it will be brain vs brain, material comprehension versus material comprehension in a battle for philosophical supremacy. And we shall see who wins that one...oh yes we SHALL see.

That reminds me I should get started on my paper which is due on friday. I spent most of tonight on my statistics homework but I should at least sketch an outline for the Justice paper so I can write it tomorrow. It's only a two pager so I should be able to pull something decent out without staying up too late or anything.

After that I went home and did some excercise which felt good. I had gotten good sleep the night before so I managed to actually break a good sweat and do some good lifting. My arms are starting to strengthen back up so the next time Kawah and I meet I can REALLY show him something. I'm in an agressive mood tonight, aren't I? Wonder why that is.

After exercise I ate a light lunch and headed off to Anthropology. It was cancelled though because the professor had a dental emergency. A DENTAL emergency? What the hell is that? Did he suddenly realize that his teeth were two shades short of gleaming? We got lecture notes for the class though so I guess we'll be tested on the material anyway. *sigh*. I went home and fucked around with some video games and anime as well as intending to crack my psych book. But before I got around to that I actually had to go to psychology class (3 hours can go by fast when you haven't had much leisure time recently). The class was pretty interesting in that we went in to some of the risk factors/causes of depression and other psychological maladies, but the professor also announced that unless we read the textbook we couldn't do any better than passing in the course. D'oh. Looks like I will have to do some SERIOUS reading this semester to keep my grades up. If only I could keep focused on reading one of my texts for any extended period of time.

Listening to a lecture on depression also made me think about my Dad a lot. I asked the prof if she could recomend any good information on Organic Chronic depression and she used some big word (I believe it was Adrogenous) and said she'd look into it. I want to ask her if she remembers my father's suicide since she's been at Columbia a long time and I like to think that he at least made an impact when he did it but I am not going to bring it up out of context, that's just wierd. And probably not when other students are around. I'm very open about it but I don't want to just announce it to random people. I was also thinking about the shrink that told me that 15% of the children of people with my father's type of depression who commit suicide end up commiting suicide too. I wonder whether that risk is made lower over time or whether it's just a life-long thing. A lot of psychiatric illnesses get much worse in early adulthood. Will depression suck me under like an irresistable riptide? I feel better these days than I have for most of my life since he died, but that statistic still haunts me a bit. I want to do some research on it to see how true it is and how it works.

I saw a guy from the summer today on campus. Said hi to him but got no response. Even more social Ben is a complete Reject. *shrug* Managed to push all thoughts of HER out of my head by doing work but I'm trying to get extra tired before I hit the hay so that I don't have any time to think about her before I nod off.

I'm pretty much convinced that part of the reason I'm taking such a big load is to avoid thinking about her but I'm okay with that. I mean I don't know ANOTHER way to escape thinking about it and this one might actually be productive. I just need to make sure that I keep up with my work and don't just coast through all my classes using them as busywork but not learning/grade improving experiences. I also need Jeff to come back to me from whatever strange planet he seems to have moved to. He said he'd email me about my journal but he didn't. He's not there when I call or go in at first so I always have to wait. He's just become flat out disinterested and it hurts.

I could go on and on and on and I will at some point but I'm almost sufficiently tired and I have a long day tomorrow. Dental apointment, class, slight breather, 2 more classes, slight breather, STATA recitation, and have to write a 2 page JUSTICE paper somewhere in there. These busy days can be rough but at least I have no time to think about what a loser I am, or all the people who I wish would give a fuck about me, or that when they talk about a "healthy social support network" in psych I just don't have one at ALL. I barely have time to eat which should help my waistline a bit.

No time to think at all.
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You best stay away when the pushers come to shove

I guess my workouts are paying off because I'm pretty surprised that I had enough energy to survive today without collapsing. It started at 10 AM when I had a dental apointment. There was good news because the swelling in my gums has gone down which means I might not need oral surgery. It was also a lot less painful this time and I didn't have to clench my body or do much of anything to get through it. I was late for class however because of a bunch of annoying people who didn't have apointments and took FOREVER with the receptionist before I could finally get my apointment. Class went pretty well and swiftly. We did more of St. Augustine's confessions and I won a few arguments with the professor. Lit-Hum is a pretty inocuous class.

After that I dropped off my prescription for super-powered ibuprofin and went home to grab a spot of lunch and like 3 seconds of relaxation. Then I shot off to Japanese History class which was pretty boring but not TOO bad (If anyone wants to know about land distribution in early Heian Japan I can help you out now) After that came Statistics which Adam was absent for. People (and by People I mean a bunch of girls) kept asking me questions about the homework and stuff which confused the hell out of me because I SUCK at Stat. I mean if I got questions like that in any of my other classes it would make sense, but Stat? Wierd. I guess they won't be asking again because I made a decent number of mistakes in class today. Hopefully I'll be left alone in the future.

Stat is not too bad really although I'm not sure I caught 100% of what was discussed today in class. I was caught up and comprehending it at the end though so I think I ought to be alright. After Stat class I went home for a second, then headed out to get my prescription and some computer discs. After I got home I decided for some reason to exercise so I hopped on the bike and pedaled for 25 minutes. Then I grabbed some very unhealthy dinner, watched part of friends, and headed off to my STATA tutorial. The tutorial was buried deep in the engineering building and I spent quite a bit of time rushing around down there looking for the room, finally finding it after joining with a bunch of other non-engineers looking for the same tutorial. Unfortunatly at that point I was pretty ripe because I didn't have time to shower between the cycle and the class but fortunatly the room was ventilated. The tutorial was pretty simple except we had the World's Least Interested TA. It's what I imagine a class taught by Elenelle would be like. "This next thing is incredibly obvious and self evident but they make me say it anyway." "If you want to buy a statistics program I don't suggest Stata because it sucks but they make us use it." "Well I guess you guys have 7 minutes left so if you want to ask some questions I suppose I'll answer some" "No, there's no attendance. We lied to you to get you here. That's what the statistics program here does. Lies."

I swear this woman did everything short of saying "You know I could be out sleeping with some big dicked carpenter instead of teaching this shit to you lowly undergrad pukes. P.S. I hate you." But the time passed quickly. On the way out I tried to strike up a conversation with some fellow students but it fell flat when I said "We wasted about an hour if you include transit time." Apparently refering to walking from dorms to class as transit time is some sort of ettiquette no-no. I weakly tried to play it off by noting that I live off campus, but that was the end of the conversation.

I did take some of the ibuprofin which cleared by head up. It wasn't for pain but for anti-inflamatory properties. Still I felt a little high walking along the street with some sort of weird enhanced clarity effect of the drug. It made me realize a little better why people like getting high, but it's not a narcotic so I won't get addicted. I still have this Justice paper to write which I have to do a good job on if I want a shot at being an Alpha so I should focus on that for the next few hours. I have most of it sketched out in my head so it shouldn't be too hard.

I might add that despite being extremely busy I had time to think of her. That's not a good thing. I really thought that this demanding schedule would distract me but I'm adapting in the wrong ways. Instead of getting more focus on work etc I'm just getting better at multi-tasking and cramming more self-pity and longing into less time. But now I have work to do so ironically the JOURNAL has to be put on hold while thoughts of her can't be. I should be able to write more this weekend but right now I'm feeling a little lost. How does one get rid of loneliness short of making more friends/contacts which I'm not sure I can do. A question for the ages.
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