February 9th, 2002


I want something more I want something more I want something more than this.

I've been feeling really lonely lately. Not in a specific way, in more general overarching terms. Not like I'm lacking anyone in particular, just like I'm lacking. I don't have any close relationships and it's starting to hurt. I'm not sure why it's hurting now, but it is, deeply. I think it may be that as I move further and further out of the world I collapsed into after that first semaster (semester/disaster) I start to notice the relationships people have to those around them. Before I was insulated inside my own little world/mind. I focused on class and my own little hobbies and introspectuion and nothing else. Now I peer out and I feel very much alone.

I used to be able to walk down the street on a nice spring day and just be satisfied to enjoy the feel of the brisk air and the experience of being alive, but now I feel the need to share it with someone, anyone. My brain is bursting with things I want to say and I have nobody to say it too.

My shell is breaking down around me and I am exposed for who I truly am. I am emerging. I didn't want this. God damn it I DID NOT WANT THIS. I don't want to go out there and get beat up again. I don't want to get so emotionally bloodied that I have to withdraw from EVERYTHING. Not again. Not again.

And I'm not sure what to do. I've added classes and tasks to keep me busy. I've tried to make non-commital social outreaches (which have all been less effective than Gary Condit's tenure as the spokesman for a summer camp for young women) What's the point of being successful/intelligent/moral or anything if nobody recognizes it (unless you do good things, but I don't do good things)

So I am stuck back in the old dilemma of being alone and feeling it that I've been grappling with since my father died. If all the world's a stage then my life is a fucking monologue. Can I get some extras here? WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET SOME FUCKING EXTRAS?

Sorry about that. I know there are no easy solutions to this sort of thing but I have to figure SOMETHING out. If you're not moving forward you're moving backwards...right? I just feel like I'm being forced to make large changes in my life (which I am doing) and work hard for...nothing. The intrinsic benefit of being a better Ben is not enough....at least right now. I want recognition I want support.

I want my daddy.

Guess that's what it's all REALLY about in the end.
  • Current Music
    Train Drops of Jupiter

No I don't want to think about the bad times, anyone could have a bad year

Some people might say that twenty is too old for videogames but I have a good reason why I can't give them up yet.


When I'm feeling low I can always switch on one of my favorite games and get lost in playing for 30 minutes or an hour. The world melts away, and it's all about whatever's on the screen, where challanges are immediate and victories can be both meaningful and quick (those are pretty rare in real life.) And after you come back into reality whatever emotional triumph you've just experienced carries over for awhile. It can be like a drug with none of the harmful physiological side effects. In fact if you get the endorphins flowing it actually IS a drug.

So why do I mention this now? Because I just had the most AMAZINGLY fun game of Madden 2002. I don't usually talk about video games here because I know that most people frown on them and if they don't aren't interested in them, but this is more about how I FEEL than the actual game itself. For Aaron (the only person who might read this who knows shit about football, although he disdains video games) what happened was I was playing the Rams in Franchise mode with my Giants and I SHATTERED The single game rushing record. I racked up 374 rushing yards, including 304 with Tiki Barber and 7 rushing touchdowns (Tiki only had 3 because the time I reached the redzone he was so tired from running 11-21 yards at a time that he needed to take a breather LOL) My offensive line turned the Rams to mush, my defense hit them so hard they were playing barefoot and forced two turnovers (and one Warner fumble that Trung Candidate recovered) and I just generally kicked much ass. 49-10 final score (When you are playing the RAMS in desperation mode it's almost impossible to prevent ANY scoring because Warner and his recievers are so damned good) to take my Giants (3 time in a row superbowl champs hehehehehe) to 6-1.

The great thing about Madden is that the more you play the more you start to put your mark on your favorite team. Because you get to draft and trade and watch players mature or decline/retire you get invested in more than each season or game. You get invested in the whole gaming experience.

Anyway I know that success in videogames is meaningless and all but it's still DAMNED nice and I won't give it up till it stops being so. Maybe escapism is a sin but when the world's got you down what're the other choices. Anyway I'm going to stop trying to explain the elation I feel right now and just enjoy it. It's saturday baby. Maybe this is one of the advantages of working hard. You stop being able to entertain yourself whenever you want and start enjoying your play time more. The work hard/play hard combination we all hear so much about. Something to think about...if I wanted to think right now. Which I don't. :-D
  • Current Music
    Everclear - Songs from an American Movie 1