February 18th, 2002

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I sit alone in the sun I wrote a letter to you getting over myself

I dreamed about her AGAIN last night. This one was much clearer than most of the recent ones have been. I don't want to get into it but it was one of those boomerang dreams where your brain has a lot of fun tossing it out while you're asleep and then you wake up and it hits you in the back of the head. At this point I honestly am starting to feel like I'm being punished for something, I just don't know what. Okay yeah it was stupid for me to make even a clumsy non-pressuring attempt to connect with ANYONE. That's not how my life works. But I did the best I could at playing by the rules and not bugging her too much. I mean I tried to take the hints and I tried not to make things uncomfortable, I never really claimed much of anything with regards to her and I did my best to let it pass away without too much drama, so why am I HAUNTED? I know it's my own fucking subconscious but that just makes it worse. I prefer moral cause and effect where your dreams torment you for something that you did wrong, not just because they like giving you feelings of comfort and happiness only to rip them away upon your waking up for their own fucking jollies.

Yesterday I didn't do as much as I wanted but probably did enough to survive. I read 2 chapters of my textbook leaving me with 4 to skim through and check for important data today. I should be okay. I also managed to complete the takehome part of the test although I need to edit it a little, so I think I'm pretty much okay with regards to this examination although I certainly am not going to go into it feeling overconfident or really confident. I also found this great shirt (By found I mean I reached into the box of shirts I ordered from Eddie Bauer outlet which I haven't even used half of because I like to slowly insert shirts into my rotation, not crazily insert like 10 at once) that is pretty damned nice looking and has great texture against my skin. I was actually feeling semi-suave in it as I went out to the supermarket, where I proceeded to be about as clumsy as a doped up elephant. I knocked over a couple boxes of snackwells in front of a pair of snickering frat boys which flustered me, and then, because my arm strength has increased to the point where I can overload a shopping basket with liquids without really feeling it, I put a gallon of water into my shopping basket even though the basket was full. This resulted in it falling to the floor and bursting open as I went to get some pasta, and covering the floor with water. In front of the same two snickering guys. Everyone was pretty calm about it because it WAS just water and people spill MUCH worse stuff at supermarkets all the time, but those two incedents did more than enough to remind me "Nice shirt or not, you're STILL a fucking geek." What annoys me is that it's not even that I was that clumsy because I have great relfexes, it's that the snackwells were shelved badly and I just put the water in wrong. But I LOOKED about as slick as a juggling amputee. Kinda used to it though.

Oh well I guess I should actually get some more work done before classes. I'm almost ready for school to start which is good because today I HAVE school despite it being presidents day. Damned Columbia where they created the schedule before we had any presidents to honor. Nobody else has to go to class.

Oh well I guess that sums up most of my last couple of days except that it seems like so LITTLE in retrospect. The rest was lost in resting up and doing various chores/homeworks. At least I HAD gotten properly rested and relaxed before the dream. I wonder how much longer she'll haunt me for...probably a couple more months. At least now I know not to even ENTERTAIN the idea of future interaction with the feminine. Even though I think I've managed to dissolve away a lot of my strong anti-female thoughts and feelings (notice the lack of rants about them recently anyone?) it still carries far too high a cost. I don't know how anyone who knows what this feels like is able to get up, dust themselves off, and make another stab at it. Pain I can handle but uncontrollable self torture? stop this ride I want OFF.
  • Current Music
    Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
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No Justice in JUSTICE

Well *sigh* I got my first paper back from Justice and it was a B-. Not a good grade but not a huge surprise. I wrote it quickly, there was not NEARLY enough room to say what I wanted to say, and the TA didn't like my font use. Not to mention the whole no power thing the day it was due. Frankly I'm disapointed but I have to focus on the future. It is only 5% of the grade which means only 1 point off my final grade. NOt really a huge deal...I've definitly done worse. I know where my mistakes were and I KNOW I'm towards the top of this class so my second paper is going to be a far superior one. Besides I have bigger fish to fry in my psychology exam and I KNOW that class participation will make up for this slipup. So basically I'm upset and disapointed but I can't worry about that now and I have to keep going. Still I'm pissed that she misinterpreted a LOT of what I wanted to say ONLY because I didn't have room in the paper to flesh it out. I had a paragraph explaining why I didn't think Kant applied to the situation but I had to cut it and hope she'd get what I meant just through a sentence. She didn't. Page limits are REALLY irritating for someone who writes and thinks like I do. But next paper is 4 pages so I WILL do better. I WILL
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed
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Mistakes of cowardice

Well I just took my psych test and I think I did pretty well. I feel like I aced the take home and I got all the short answers right. There were about 7 multiple choice I wasn't sure of but even if I get 3-4 of them wrong that still leaves me able to screw up a BIT of the short answer/take home and get in the high 80's low 90's. If I get REAL lucky I could get a 94. Not bad considering how POORLY I studied for the test and I feel like I'm definitly going to get at least an 80 so I will be in position to make a decent grade in the class. After the B- on the Justice paper which was pretty disapointing this is good news. I do have a JUSTICE paper due friday which I will devote a lot more work to but I also have a TON of reading to catch up on so I will be busy this week. That's okay though, I think I'll survive. Right now my biggest worry is anthropology. It has gotten away from me and although I am one of the best participaters in class if we had a test right now I would know NOTHING. I just need to skim some of the readings to get familiar with some names/terminology since I understand most of the methodology from lecture. I have a lot of work to do but I will make myself do it and survive this semester. The Justice paper comes first though becuase I REALLY want to do well in that class and I am kicking myself over the last paper. It's only 5 percent it's only 5 percent. I'm going to go kick back a little since I've been stressing out all day and then I'll post something about some emotional stuff later tonight. Don't touch that browser!
  • Current Music
    Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the infinite sadness first disk (Dawn to dusk?)
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She left you out there crying in your heart shaped world.

Please forgive this entry, I am EXHAUSTED and thus incoherent

So here I am. 11 PM, tired, nursing a fat free fudgecicle, and thinking over a few things about life. My Justice TA emailed me back and my paper's due friday like I thought (as opposed to wednesday like the professor said during class) so I actually have time to think.

The first thing I want to note is that I'm not like the other boys. I'm either very thorough or extremely neurotic, I haven't quite decided yet. Today this came into clear view when during JUSTICE class Professor Johnston mentioned offhand that the paper was due wednesday. It was a slip of the tongue (just confirmed by a TA I emailed) but nobody else even seemed to notice it. I was sitting there in shock trying to ask people what he'd said and nobody seemed the least bit upset. It happens frequently, people mis-speak and I get concerned because who knows WHICH time they were mis-speaking? I mean who'se to say he even realized that he intended the paper to be due wednesday seeing as the actual assignment sheet says monday the 22nd (obviously from some past year).

But this isn't the only incedent. Jeff calls me a schoolmarm because I correct his grammer/statements and I tend to be pretty good at correcting myself too although lately not so much.

The second incedent like this today was during my test where I became a bit neurotic. I wrote WAY too much and I made sure the TA okayed my use of the backs of two pages of the test to answer a single question. Then when handing the test in I realized that I only checked my answers once so I went through them again to be sure. The funny thing is I never used to check answers except I would finish before everyone else and I HATED being the first one to hand in a test. This summer Shana noticed that I would finish the Spanish test before anyone else and then just zone out for about 15 minutes till 5 people handed theirs in. Another of my foibles.

Anyway I'm neurotic which isn't anything new, but I'm also different in other ways. Like I'm INCREDIBLY uninhibited in class. I will answer questions on books I haven't read when the whole class of 70 odd students who HAS read the books are too timid to speak up. I will argue points that I only intuit as being right and come up on top. This is not normal and I don't know why I do it. Boredom? Sometimes but it's also some perverse desire to push the envelope and see what I can get away with. I rarely get caught offguard.

I can't find anyone to talk to like ever. Other people start conversations but I pretty much never do. I can honestly say that only a very few times have I initiated a conversation with anyone and it never works out anyway. This I have no reasoning behind.

Anyway those things have me wondering whether I CAN lead any sort of normal or even socially fulfilling life. I mean I'm a FREAK. And not just in easy changable ways like the fact that I don't like to take my jacket off during classes. I just have fundementally different thought patterns than most of the human beings I am around. I don't know, it's been over a month now since my last contact with she-whose-shining-smile-clouds-the-world-in-darkness and I can't really stop thinking about her or looking for some sort of resolution, I'm taking 6 classes and not doing enough work for even ONE of them, my human relationships aren't really doing better than they ever have and to top it all off no matter what I do my weight seems to only rise or stay level. This is the reality of my life and yet has very little to do with my self image. I spend too much time in fantasy and not enough DOING things and I don't know how to break the cycle because fantasy is easy and the things I have to do are damned hard.

The thing is that I see myself living in a nice house near a small town out in the country about an hour from a city and being able to actually stop and smell roses or walk down the street at night looking at the moon without worrying about homework and I haven't the FOGGIEST idea how to get to that vision. And an IRONY is that I could do most of the stuff I want to do if I could just release myself from stress and I'd STILL be as effective a student. My cognitions are just all screwed up....I need to learn new thinking patterns if I want to actualize the life that I want. And now I need sleep because even though I have a lot more to say I'm being incoherent and I'm fucking TIRED. *sigh* not enough hours in a day, days in a week, or weeks in a lifetime. In the end our most precious commodity is time, and no matter what you do there's only so much of it.
  • Current Music
    Chris Isaac - Heart Shaped World