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February 24th, 2002

11:11 am - Don't let me second guess what I know to be real

It has been an odd couple of days. Friday I fell asleep around 6:45 and got back up at around 10:00 Pm refreshed. Then I stayed up until 5 watching Anime and random SUPER late night syndicated shows like "Street Smarts" and "Change of Heart" (I used to watch them between 1 and 2 back when I regularly stayed up that late) I have no idea why I decided to stay up that late but I ended up not shutting my eyes until the small hand was perilously close to the six.

So I woke up on saturday a little tired but none the worse for wear. I checked my email to see if I was going to head to the library to meet with Derrick and found out that he was busy and couldn't make it (even though he had been the one who'd suggested the time, people are weird) which actually made me feel pretty good. Not only was I a little too tired and unprepared to want to go but I felt validated in being upset that I never recieved a second response from She-who-accidentally-churned-my-world-like-a-storming-sea and a little bit less like an irrelevant chump. Of course I didn't respond to HIM, but I figure I'll see him in class on monday so it's not a big deal. I have to start learning how to end email exchanges when their purpose is done, instead of perpetually responding and continuing them like I have a tendancy to do.

Anyway with my whole day cleared out and my mom gone upstate I started thinking through what I wanted to do for the day. I decided to go see Lord of the Rings since it's probably going to leave theatres soon and I still haven't seen it (I'm not a big movie guy but I figure I SHOULD see this on a big screen because I was a huge fantasy fan back in my youth) I decided to go to the 6:30 showing because it would get me home in time fo boxing, but of course I promptly fell asleep at 4 (about half an hour after making my decision) and didn't get up till 7 so I decided to forget it. I spent the rest of the day just puttering around chatting with some friends over the internet and watching some pretty terrible stuff on TV (I caught 3000 miles to graceland on HBO and it wasn't nearly as horrible as it was made out to be, except for the ending which was far too gratuitously bloody for even my tastes. Don't introduce a character in the last tenth of the movie just so he can spin around with uzis and kill 20 swat guys before they take him out in a hail of gunfire. It's not entertaining and it makes the audience a little queasy)

Anyway what was weird was not the day itself but the fact that I felt NO pressure during it. I was, and remain, calm and relaxed. This is pretty wierd considering how much work I have to do and how high strung I usually am about it. It's like by reverting to my old sleep patterns I recalled the time before I went back to school when I was actually relaxed and didn't constantly feel like I had to be stressing over one thing or another. It feels pretty good actually, although I'm worried about whether it will negatively impact my academic performance. I mean I was just starting to do decently in school again (or at least I think I was) and now I made a few foul ups in class and instead of feeling stressed or upset I feel relaxed. That could be dangerous.

Anyway I'm trying to figure out what I want to do today. I'm going to hang out with Jeff for a couple hours at 11 (I wish it was longer but he's really busy and I appreciate his fitting me in at all) and that should help with some of the things that I've been troubled by, but after that I'm not sure what I want to or should do. I could catch the 2:30 showing of LOTR and then get to my homework which is probably the best plan, but I didn't get much sleep last night so I might be pushing things a bit to think I could get away with that. I could just bum around at home and get some work done which is probably the most productive choice, but then LOTR would probably be out of theatres by next week unless I saw it at some point during the week which could be tough. I also have to write out some comments for the papers I recieved for my GED class which is going to tkae up time so basically I have to chose between self indulgence or responsibility. The thing is that even if I pick the latter I will probably end up just indulging until 6-7 anyway so it might be a better idea just to go to the film and spend the indulgence time the best way I can. It's one of those decisisons that should be easy but isn't, at least for me.

Some random additional notes:

-It's wierd to recieve a postcard from someone who has a livejournal. Aaron sent me a postcard from Britain (I guess he must have taken the Hunter phone book over there because he shouldn't know my address) but it was sent BEFORE several of his recent journal entries, which he recognizes makes it sort of redundant. Anyway at least it has some lovely pictures of Brighton which makes the city out to be pretty much the same as any number of cities throughout America. Some day I will figure out who decided to put a shot of a bunch of boats in a marina on a postcard and I will hit them. I mean unless there's a specific brand of boat that's only allowed to sail in Brighton that shot could be from ANYWHERE. It doesn't even show any of the sea.

-I am thinking about going on the Zone diet to try and ramp up weight loss efforts. The thing is that it looks absolutely horrible in terms of the enjoyment of the food. The portions I'd be allowed would also be incredibly tiny. I don't know, I'll probably go through with it soon but not quite yet.

-I finally found my no name face CD. I'd been looking for it for awhile and I found it. Yeah!

-I need to re-establish my intellectual sharpness somehow since I currently feel a little blechy about some fo the stuff I've been saying recently, and that's not good. I go through cycles of feeling really smart and feeling kind of dumb, currently I'm at the bottom of fortuna's wheel. I hope I get sent upwards again before midterms.

-I was watching Saturday morning cartoons and I thought about how kids these days do so much and I do so little. Like kids are always being sent off to soccor practise and instrument lessons etc and I mostly sit around ruminating and fucking around with video games and anime. It made me slightly depressed. Then I thought about how much you miss out in terms of having time to actually stop and think about things when you're always being shunted off from one activity to another. You're thinking about basketball and then pottery and the next thing you know it's time to sleep and you haven't even glanced at the newspaper. So there's stuff to be said for both sides....still I want to start getting involved in more structured activities and sitting there watching cartoons made for people 1/4 my age made me realize that. If i could drop some pounds I could sign up for a martial arts class and learn some discipline/focus techniques not to mention lose even more weight. Also it might be fun to sign up for a writing class in a non-competitive context on the weekend. Like at the Learning Annex or something. "But Ben, isn't it...umm...stupid for a student at one of the top ten universities in the country to sign up for a class at the Learning Annex which is mostly for high school diploma working peopl?"

"One of these days we'll be in the same place, in the same place punk at the very same time and when it takes place and you want to talk shit, just step your ass up and say it right to my face. You'll get knocked the fuck out, cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash! Knocked straight the fuck out. Cause your mouth's writing checks that your ass can't cash. (Credit to Fred Durst)"

But seriously, I'm sensative about my writing and I don't want to do it in a competitive environment with writing majors at one of the top programs in the nation while worrying about grades. That's too much pressure.

08:43 pm - The world is collapsing around our ears

Today has been pretty good. It started at 11:30 when Jeff showed up (He was late but it wasn't a big deal.) We went for a walk and had a serious conversation about actual things in the world beyond my psyche/emotional state. It was nice to talk to somebody that I respect intellectually and personally, and to be able to say some random stuff I'd been thinking to someone who could respond in an intelligent and meaningful manner. Plus I know Jeff thinks of himself as a mentor figure to me (I agree with that assesment somewhat although I do feel that the whole therapy relationship creates a degree of seperation that can't completely be bridged) and it was nice to re-establish a bit of that relationship which has lapsed into near non-existance recently. I know he's been busy but still, it was good to at least have a chance to talk to him outside of a theraputic setting. The only thing that pissed me off a bit was when he mentioned the gift he got me for my birthday (which was fairly late.) He seemed a bit upset that he hadn't recieved a proper thank you but the reason he hadn't was that I had sent one to his wife (who actually purchased it) and jokingly told her not to mention it to him. So I HAD sent a thank you, it just hadn't been to him. But *shrug* I'm just sort of nitpicking. It was very nice for him to take time out of his schedule to visit me.

After Jeff I walked downtown to the Lincoln Square theatre to see Lord Of The Rings (as I previously stated had been my intention.) On the way there I had the odd experience of being propositioned to join the Jehova's witnesses by an Asian woman with broken English. When she first started talking to me I figured she was in one of my classes so I tried to be reasonably nice and then she whipped out this bundle of Christian literature and I was like "WTF is this? FOBs for Jesus?" I told her I was Jewish and I dashed off but it was still a wierd experience. I guess she just caught me off guard because one doesn't usually think of the Jehova's witnesses as being recent imagrents from China.

Lord of the Rings was as good as other people said. It's 3 hours but it's paced almost TOO fast and there are certain scenes which blow by so fast it's like they are almost not worth having in the film at all. I'm glad I saw it in the theatres though since it was GORGEOUS and I love fantasy movies and all. I am looking forward to the DVD which should have some deleted scenes to flesh things out a bit (mmmm....4 hour fantasy movie dvd...) The movie did get me thinking about nature with all the vistas and I will make a concerted effort to get out of the city more often and experience some. I like nature. (I talked about this briefly with Jeff too which is probably why it was on my mind when I was watching the film) It also reminded me of a fantasy story I've been kicking around in my head for a few years now. Maybe I should sit down, map it out, and actually write it. I have no pretentions of being able to produce a commercially viable (or even worth reading by other people) text but it would be fun and I think I do have SOME original stuff in it. It would definitly be a better use of my saturday mornings than watching "The Mummy" and "Yu-Gi-Oh". Of course it'll probably suck and be abandoned within a month, but still I might just go ahead and try it.

I was pretty relaxed today and I didn't have many "deep" thoughts, also I was fairly tired due to lack of sleep but it was still a pretty decent day and I will make up the homework tonight and tomorrow. There were a couple annoying things though. The first of them was when I went to go home on the subway and the freaking metrocard dispenser in the lincoln square station was only taking coins (I had walked down to the theatre from my house which is about 2 and a half miles, so I didn't have a metrocard or token, but I didn't want to walk back up) and there was nobody in the booth. Lincoln square is a pretty busy station so it was wierd that they had nobody staffing the booth at 5:30 on a Sunday. The other irritating thing was that when I got home I saw that Aaron had posted my HOME address here in my journal. I don't like my personal info going out on the internet and I REALLY don't appreciate having my home address posted in my journal. I have NO clue what he was thinking doing that, but I intend to have some stern words with the Expatriot. I don't know who exactly reads this thing and if there are people who do and don't like it I don't want them having my address...call me paranoid or whatever but it isn't appreciated, and I think it's a real violation of my right to privacy and common decency for him to have done it.

P.S.

Cheesiest line from Lord Of the Rings: "Nobody Tosses a Dwarf!"

Cheesiest line from upcoming Spiderman flick: "Slow down! You're not Superman!"

And I enjoyed being outside of my house for an extended period for the first time in awhile. I should DO stuff more often. Also I feel compelled to mention that I missed some of the commercials in front of Lord of the Rings (I got there AS it was starting because Amazon's listings were off by half an hour) and I didn't get upset like I do when I miss previews. That's the one good thing about the new trend of commercials in front of movies (WHich we pay TEN BUCKS to see I might add, TEN BUCKS and we are forced to endure commercials) they give you a longer grace period if you arrive a little late.
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