March 3rd, 2002


Oh my peer, your veneer, is wearing thin and cracking

Woke up this morning feeling like something crawled up in my head and died. I had the sort of groggy headache where the world feels two inches closer than usual and your heart feels like it's beating just below the surface of your paper thin skin. Right then it was clear that it was not going to be a pleasant day. There were South AFricans sleepin in the living room so I was sort of banished to my little corner of the home, preventing me from getting out there to grab some aspirin or the like. Most of the morning was spent in a bit of a haze trying to read the Conrad Shirokauer book for my J civ course but mostly either watching terrible TV or just lying down trying to dispell the haze that shrouded my brain like a thick, abrassive, burlap bag. At a little past noon my mom took her Afrikaaners and left the house. I hopped in the shower which felt uncomfortable and too REAL on my raw feeling flesh (I might be losing a little weight though, finally, which is nice) And then I headed to the library to meet Derrick. I really shouldn't have gone except after giving that whole speech about being resolved to keep on going no matter what got thrown my way I didn't want to pussy out. So I walked around feeling paranoid that I had missed him for about 10 minutes and checking if I had the wrong room. After that I sat down in one of the comfy chairs and waited for about 10 more minutes (I don't know why 10 minutes was such an important number today) until it was half past one (we'd agreed to meet at 0 past one) and I figured either he'd only waited 5 minutes before splitting or he had decided not to come. So I checked my email on one of the library computers and it turned out he was going to be an hour and a half late because of exterminations going on in his building. Of course he'd SENT this email at 1:04 so I had already left my house by then but it was still strangly comforting to actually know what was going on. Especially considering where I was (The Butler lounge is where I had my first meeting with She-Of-The-Overused-Hyphonated-Name-Gimmick and where the darkness first started to lift as she read back to me from her page of suggestions most of the stuff I had thought of the day before and showed me that I was, at least for that fleeting moment, not entirely alone in the universe) I was left with a decision then of whether to email him and cancel the whole thing and go home and sleep or to wait it out for the remaining hour there in the lounge alone. (Theoretically I could have gone home for 50 minutes and come back to the library in time to meet but ummm the way I was feeling...yeah that wasn't going to happen) I decided to wait it out so I found a comfy chair, settled in, and pulled out the textbook so I could catch up on some of the reading I had neglected to do over the past 6 weeks. About 15 minutes into the hour this girl who looked kind of like Jing's long lost love sat down opposite me at the little table I was sitting at, pulled out a laptop, plugged it into the ethernet port, and started typing away. I couldn't help thinking of the J who was probably doing exactly the same thing in Illinois. I was feeling a little too tired and irritable to persue that line of thought and went back to my book. 15 minutes after that this girl from my psych class who was sitting at the nearest little table started making out with her boyfriend (I hope) and sitting on his lap etc which of course was slightly distracting and annoying but I was too fucking tired to move so I just focused more on my book which actually wasn't bad at all for a text book. Some day I will hash out my thoughts on PDAs, but probably not for many years. It's not a topic I have enough contact with to be able to comment effectively on. And yes people...that HAS stopped me before. Pricks. Anyway Derrick showed up on time bearing Lime Tortilla chips and Humous (My poor burlaped brain could barely comprehend that combo) and we tried to get down to some studying. The trouble was that he wanted a narrative form of what we'd learned in class and I had to use all my available powers of concentration to actually stay on task and not wander off into intellectual la-la land. We really didn't get much done because I was barely up to keeping my eyelids open let alone explaining 6 weeks of Japanese History class. But we did talk about SOME stuff. Anyway towards the end we sort of wandered away from Japan and I learned some pretty interesting things about him. I feel bad for semi-wasting his time but I think I will be able to help him once we get the test questions so it's okay. The real test of the afternoon was when Derrick was going through the free book pile in the room and started reading random french to me and mentioning his intent to spend next year in Paris. As if I wasn't already thinking about her enough. My mind started racing but it was weakened and slow so I managed to reign it in enough not to do something totally inappropriate like shout "STOP" or grab the book. I guess that sort of mental flood is kind of like horseback riding (Yes I used to ride horses way back when. I did a lot of things.) you can't stiff up and fight it, you can only hope to control it. I still remember being 11 and rocketing off on a runaway pony over a jump 3 times as large as anything I'd done before. I was scared as hell but I managed to relax and I went over the jump perfectly. Eventually the horse slowed down and I got off uninjured. On the other hand once when riding a grey stallion named Mud I tensed up too much and got thrown three times in one day. Lucky I was a resiliant durable little fucker and I had my helmet on. Anyway I think rogue thoughts are sorta similar. If you fight them they will just end up doing damage. You need to let them run their course and take the hurdles smoothly.

Anyway after the french books Derrick showed me how to use Pine email (something I needed to learn long earlier and ALSO connected with her) I heard two girls talking about the Butler echo and remembered when she showed it to me, reminding myself that I wasn't crazy for thinking that she had social interest in me outsider mere classroom circumstances, and went home to collapse. That was pretty much my day. Oh I also saw "The Mexican" starring Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts. James Gandolfini is very cool. He reminds me of my dad a little in his stature and hangdog face.

Oh well, another day where not much productive was done. I hope I feel better tomorrow since I'm heading into mid term week and I need to get some work done before I REALLY start getting the pressure put on. Here's to my health.

P.S. I DID see a guy in the library who looked almost exactly like Jing except Sans mole. It was weird to see dopplegangers of both him and Aaron's Prom Date in the same place at vaguely the same time. Maybe Jing II was stalking A.P.D. II. That would be a bizzare but cool situation.
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Two hearts just to hold your love (charlie sheen)

So Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are getting married. I guess this has been known for awhile although I didn't find it out until today because my free subscription to Entertainment Weekly dried up and I wasn't about to pay for that crappy magazine. I find this to be an interesting coupling because Charlie Sheen was a super playboy back in the day, I'm sure you all heard about how he was on Heidi Fleiss' client list towards the top and apparently enjoyed being whipped by a sock full of chicken fat wielded by a hooker in a cheerleader outfit (that rumor was never substantiated but I think it's a cool image of PURE debauchery) he also claimed to have slept with 5,000 women and was a huge drug addict. Once he got cleaned up he got a nice gig on a popular Sitcom and now is marrying the wet dream of many teen boys. Talk about your charmed life. That's an interesting thing about hollywood, no regrets no paying for mistakes. Anyway that bit of news just got me ruminating a bit about how the other side thinks in terms of sex and relationships. Fast and free. Are they happy?

Also my mom spent half the morning yelling at me because I used up the eggs and failed to replace them. I was GOING to replace them but I hadn't been to the store since I'd used them. It kind of irritates me how my mother not only drags up the past but also makes ludicrous claims. She says I NEVER go shopping for her even though I always ask her what she wants when I go to the store and I buy her stuff when I notice she's out of it. *Shrug* I'm really past the point of caring except she works herself up to such a state that I feel like she's going to have a heart attack. Jeff long ago taught me to calm down during confrontation (Don't think I didn't know you were doing that by letting me walk out and not following Jeffers McGee, you're not THAT clever) and I wish someone would teach my mother the same. For her sake.

Oh and I have never done a web test before but this one brought up too many old fond memories, so I had to do it. Enjoy!

I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Ranger Paladin

Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.

Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently conccern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Paladins are the Holy Warriors. They have been chosen by a God/dess to be their representative on Earth, and must follow the code of that deity, or risk severe penalties. They tend towards being righteous, but not generally to excess.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

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You thought your life would just go by without a pause to wonder, don't be silly.

I think I brood well. The problem is that I do it too much. I can really get a lot of pleasure and interesting thought out of an hour of brooding but I tend to do it for like 4 hour stretches and before I know it I've brooded away the day. Today I was planning to read King Lear (again) so I could write my paper for it tomorrow, but it turns out that the email which had the assignment somehow got deleted from my I emailed the professor and now I'm not sure if I should read the book under the assumption that he will send me the questions in time for me to do the paper or just skim it enough to be prepared for class on tuesday. Since I'm a shiftless loser I'll probably do the latter. I should do SOME other homework though since I have a good deal of reading to catch up on and less and less time to do it. It kinda irritates me that I have so much going on at the same time but whatcha gonna do?

Hee-ann and I had lunch today and we talked a little about the people he knows from the law school. It surprised me how many more corporate lawyers are around in a big name lawschool than criminal lawyers. I usually think that intelligent people are more motivated/ethical/big picture oriented than those with "other talents" but it's really not true. In fact a lot of education and work is fueled by greed and selfishness. That's kind of disapointing when you think about it.

I saw the first episode of the Showtime series Jeremiah today and wow. I didn't think it was going to be any good and just caught it on a whim, and most of what I thought would be wrong with it IS wrong with it, except the main character is obsessed with his father who died when he was 11 and with disapointing said father. Ummm...can you say "Character I can relate to"? Of course there are differences between he and I, such as that he's living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is played by Luke Perry so is extremely hot. But other than that...I can relate. To be honest I kind of wish I DID live in a post apocalyptic wasteland. I mean there would be disadvantages (6 billion people dead, no running water/working toilets, Carrot Top lives still because you can't kill him trust me I've tried!) and I suppose I would tire of it quickly, but it would be nice to have a GOAL even if it was as simple as survival. Yeah I want to save the world and yes that will keep me working in school, but it's not concrete. That's one of the nice things about Tv I guess, the world is never more than a few seasons out of reach.

Oh well my professor sent me the topics so I guess I should finish the play. It's interesting and a fairly quick read, so that's nice.

Random thoughts

- I have a TON of stuff to do over the coming weeks. Like 30% of my semester grades rely on what I do in the upcoming week or so. That's an ouchy

- I need some new CDs. Only Lifehouse is still wonderful and non-annoying in every way

- Skipping dinner ain't so bad

- I'm starting to feel bland and mundane. I need to get a bit wackier. I used to be a real sarcastic font of piss and vinegar but I've mellowed out and become responsible and afraid of what others think. Fuck that. That's NOT just Benny Being Benny.

- While taking the D&D LJ test thing I put down that my LEAST favorite place to live would be a city. Is that true? It very well might be.

-I go for weeks at a time without communicating with any female except my mother and professors. I have a feeling this is not usual.

-Quote of the day comes from Kawah:

GQTung: it's true
GQTung: ok that's a lie
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