March 7th, 2002

pod

All of last years blooms have gone and died, time doesn't give a reason

Okay, so I said that I'd explain why I don't want to go back to two sessions a week with Jeff. I think it's worth hashing out because the reasons behind it are fairly important to me. Of course they are ONLY important to ME...so....The short answer is that I take my ability to survive on just one a week as a sign of progress and don't want to backslide from my new, semi-independant status. The long answer is a DAMN site longer so if you actually want to read it I suggest that you either reconsider or get a glass of water so that your mouth can remain moist and comfortable during the experience.

Okay. As my astute readership (yes Aaron, it's just you at this point) may have noticed my relationship with Jeff does not fall within the precise boundaries of the traditional therapist patient schema. I know a decent amount about him, I have met his wife on three occasions, and he is unafraid to refer to me by derogatory names (the specifics of which I do not wish to go into...I think he was trying to inflict trauma upon me so he could milk some more cash from the old Ben cow) neither of which are kosher by strict old school psychodynamic terms. The reason I bring this up is that it is the crux of the reason I don't want to see Jeff twice a week anymore. See Jeff is, in many ways, a friend to me. Perhaps the only friend I have at this point. And I don't want to rely on him in that regard because he's ALSO my therapist and thus I need to see him as a relatively impartial and non-judgemental party.

See I think this all goes back to the fact that I've never had many friends my own age and these days I really don't have any. When I was like 2 years old I had a pretty normal social life, or so I'm told, but after that things went downhill. I have tended to keep one or two real friends and have a handful of aquaintances, the numbers fluctuating depending on a variety of variables. Well these days I have 0 friends (Hee-Ann almost counts except I can't TALK to him about anything, we just don't have similar interests on any meaningful level) and about 5 aquaintances max. Hope I'm not one of those people that peaked in high school. Anyway recently as I've become somewhat less depressed and reliant on Jeff I've felt myself slipping into a more friendly less strictly theraputic relationship with him. I've tried to counteract that by heading down to his office for our sessions (to make things more formal) but it hasn't really worked. And I know that I can't just will myself to keep things on the right track because when I think of something amusing or interesting I DO want to share it with someone and right now he's the only person around who I can do that with. So I find myself in a bind. I don't have enough new psychological shit cropping up in my life to fill two sessions a week with and I know that instead of using the extra time to rehash old stuff or delve deeper into old wounds I will probably end up using it to discuss less pertinent things. Which would be fine except that I can't let myself start to feel embarassment or perfectionism towards him or the theraputic relationship will falter. Plus I can't afford to rely on him as a friend because I need to find other friends out in the world. I mean I need to force myself to actually spent time on campus rather than going home directly after class and I need to try to engage people socially. So I figure if I hold Jeff down to one day a week I'll have enough psycho shit to talk about with him to avoid the friendship trap and to make me lonely enough that I NEED to seek outside sources of social interaction.

So I'm cutting back not because I don't GET anything out of my sessions with Jeff but because I feel like I've been getting the wrong things out of them. And that ties into what will be my next post, about my loneliness and lack of place in the world. I was planning to include that as part of this post except that this post has been open for a whole day now and I can't maintain consistancy in tone for that length of time. So it will be new. And now....a mortality counter. So you can see how soon I'll die and rejoice because of it.

Morty the Death's Head
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