March 10th, 2002

pod

Think of Germany and the guy who sold me cigarettes who'd been in the afghan secret police who made the observation that it's hard to live

I've seriously started to question my sanity over the last few days. I read this book for Abrnormal psych class and it was about a group home and all the psychologically pathological residents who lived within. (Book is called 9 Highland Road if anyone out there gives a soaring copulation) Well, to make a short story even shorter, it creeped me the fuck out. I mean I REALLY saw a lot of WHO I AM reflected back at me by some of the residents. Now one could argue that this is just empathy between myself and other people who are, after all, PEOPLE and thus share many important traits/qualities with pretty much all other people. Or one could argue that it's just Med-Student syndrome where you hypochondriacly come down with symptoms and diseases as soon as you learn to pronounce them, but I don't think so. I think it's touched on something deeper, something that I've been unable to express in any meaningful terms. And that is that I feel freaking dissociated from my life.

I mean there's virtually no connection between my inner and outer lives. The person I am on campus and even with other people in physical reality seems to bear little relation to the person I feel myself to be behind the curtain of my skull. I guess that's pretty normal except it's not for ME. I used to just sort of hang out there, 3 sheets to the wind devil may care doing things that I thought I should do without all that much by the way of consideration of consequences. I was a nonconformist too unstructured and random for even the other nonconformists. Now, because I realised that wasn't really working for me, I feel like I've gone too far towards the other extreme. I've become a neurotic semi-achiever with the work habits of a slacker and the worries hopes and dreams of a workaholic. But inside that's still not me. I feel like any day now I will wake up to a peaceful life on the lake up in Maine (A place that is regaining its mythical status in my mind these days) where I can wake up at 6 AM without immediatly thinking "MUST STUDY" and where I can have a really good thought for an ENTIRE day instead of truncating it so that I can get some stupid and ultimatly unrewarding work done. The memories I feel closest to involve striding through moss covered paths in an old growth forest looking for blackberries and watching the sun dance through leaves stirring in the thin mountain air. That hasn't been my life for many years now. In some ways it's like after my father died I split in half and I've never really stopped identifying with the overachieving driven youngster he helped me become even as my reality has diverged farther and farther away from that. That's part of the reason I feel like a lunatic. I'm not INTEGRATED as a person. Maybe if I was the rest of my problems would sort of slide away as I'd be able to attack them from both halves. But I'm not.

Also it disturbs me that I'm more antisocial and withdrawn than most of the cadre of people with dissociative and thought disorders that I just read about. I'm supposed to be a SANE person but my thoughts are less organized and coherent than those of the people who are supposed to be CRAZY. Ugh I don't know, there's still something missing. Some sort of THING stuck in my brain which prevents me from having any sort of emotional/self esteemual (It's not a word, yeah I know, fuck you too you hypocritical grammar cops) balance or stability. I just can't dig deep enough to figure out what it is and I'm so busy just LIVING that I don't have time to build a life. If you get what I mean.

The last 8 years feels like a dream and I can't figure out how to wake up from it. I'm locked away inside myself within layers and layers of rubber cement distress. Can't get the answer to the riddle of my mind.

I also kind of WISH I was insane because it would give me an excuse not to do all the things I feel the need to do but really, honestly, don't want to. It'd be a nice, simple, way out. Gah. This is just twisting myself in knots not really all that useful. I SHOULD be chainsmoking and talking about god and the devil in some group home out in Idaho where people can talk to eachother without a snarl. This is all a fucking sham. I'm spending my youth trying to find some sort of happiness shangri-la hidden behind the walls of academia or success and it's never going to be there. Still I press in towards the darkness playing chicken with my mind and soul.

My mind doesn't WORK right.

Of course the world is insane enough for anyone sometimes.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-020307hitrun.story?coll=chi-news-hed

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,47480,00.html

Oh and here are some of those tests

Take the
Which Poet are You? Quiz -
brought to you out of boredom and pretention!


I took the tarot test and got two results which I think are equally valid.



Which tarot card are you?



Which tarot card are you?




I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by
peacefulchaos !



Hmm that's an interesting one. Maybe I just need to reinvent myself

And Jing...this last one is just for you. But don't feel the need to respond to it. Seriously.

http://www.nuklearpower.com/comic/images/godkills.jpg
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