March 15th, 2002


When I grow up I'll be stable

The thunderhead of my discontent has broken upon the shores of a beautiful spring morning and I can't help but smile about it. I don't know why but looking out at the beautiful spring morning I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe I'm just lightheaded from lack of sleep, but I don't think that's it. I feel free, like winter's finally over and there's going to be nothing ahread but sunshine and lazy days in hazy fields pulling at grass and soaking up sun. Of course this is patently untrue (Spring break lasts but a week my little chickadees) and I normally hate summer but for once I feel really good. Maybe it's because of the release from inhibitions I can look forward to later today (Nobody will complain about my playing video games and eating unhealthy ice cream after I get my wisdom teeth drilled and scraped from my jawbone) but I think it's something more fundemental. For the first time in a long time I am looking forward to sweaty uncomfortable insomniac summer. I want very much to go back up to Maine and lie in the sun and just exist for awhile. It feels like I was just there...where did the winter go? I'm looking forward to smaller more intimate summer classes (although this time if my gut says "Stay away from her, move seats to avoid her and don't make eye contact" I will pay it MUCH more mind. Once bitten twice shy and all that) where I can try to actually meet some people. Of course I still have to polish off this semester but that isn't going to be TOO difficult. I've done 8 weeks and I get a nice break before the final 6. To be honest I'm not sure why I feel good but I really do, and I'm going to make an effort to ENJOY this summer. To get out and go for walks beneath the cherry blossoms in riverside park. To get the hell out of the city when I can.

Breath In Breath out breath breath breath. Life CAN be good and there ain't no sane man who ever lived who couldn' take pleasure in sunshine glinting off pure lakewater or the twittering of birds on a lazy summer afternoon. Except blind and deaf people...okay fine they have rights too..yeah yeah...fucking deconstructuralists.
  • Current Music
    Garbage 2.0

Trying to find my way the best that I know how

I was reading an article on maladjusted prodigys earlier today and I started to wonder whether I could have been one of them. I mean I know I couldn't have written books by the time I was 8 or anything, that's far beyond my capacities, but I might have been able to swing it in college by age 14-5 if my father hadn't commited suicide. My first semester of High School was EASY all A's and I was doing so well in math class (my major weakness) that even though I imploded during the second half of the year they shoved me into Extended Honors math because of my initial success. I was more knowledgeable about a lot of my subjects than all but a few of my classmates and basically seemed to be headed onwards and upwards. Of course who knows what state I would have been in that point if my father hadn't insisted that I balance both academics and sports etc. But that's just self indulgent fantasy. The point is that I was on a very strong track towards being a very smart young man (Not at the upper levels of prodigy or genius, like I said, but maybe just a few notches below the low part of that curve.) and then my world imploded and I just tumbled out of control in every aspect of my life. Fell from my lofty perch like a stone and spent 8 years crying about it. But now....

Well I am finding it harder and harder to classify myself as a depressed and deeply wounded individual. On Wednesday I did poorly on some tests and had some of my new high GPA veneer chipped away at and instead of the hollowness I was expecting to feel inside with that outer layer peeled away instead I found....strength. I felt bad about it for a day or so but then instead of lapsing into my usual pattern of intense stress and deep depression and feelings of worthlessness I woke up today feeling like a million buckaroonies. A fucking revelation if I've ever had one (And I've claimed many more than I've actually had but I HAVE had my share.) I can feel good for no reason. And it isn't gonna cost me anything.

Anyway I was reading about these prodigies and all the troubles they've struggled through and those who made an impact and those who ultimatly consigned themselves to anonymity because they couldn't handle the pressure and the isolation...and normally I'd be jealous but this time I wasn't. I actually felt sympathy with these poor souls dumped too fast into a world that moves way too slow for them. It surprised me. Then I realized why I wasn't feeling my usual scorn and jealousy. I have come to accept that my life isn't over. I'm not burned up washed out and done at the age of 20. I wanna live.

It's an interesting feeling. Anyway I guess getting your wisdom teeth out is as good a rite of passage as any so I'm going to make a REAL effort after this to change some stuff in my life. For the last year or so since I've been back in school people have been calling me smart, brilliant, whatever at various points. Maybe it's time to take them seriously. I've been holding back big time. Playing games because I was afraid to test myself. Enjoying the experience of walking a thin line by skipping all the work and commenting on assignments/lectures from pure intuition and natural wit. That's worked okay but maybe it's time to stop playing children's games and take the business of my life seriously. I am going to make a real effort to do my reading this coming semester. Fuck that I won't be able to watch my "favorite" television programs. Fuck surfing the web for boring crap. I'm going to read and then I'm going to go into class and I'm going to see what I can do when I'm not handicapping myself. I've been afraid that I'd have to much to say and would end up feeling frustrated and rejected but we shall see. I know that if I try and fail I won't be destroyed. I know that I can survive finding out that my limits are lower than I thought they were.

I've said it before but this feels different. Maybe I've said that before too. I don't care. I'm resolved. Maybe I'll have to take some meditation courses or something to be able to attain the level of focus I need...but that's allright. I can't let this be another empty promise to myself. It's time to actually DO something. When next I type I'll be bleeding and in excruciating pain...and hopefully ready to be a man. Excuses are a crutch. I'ma do it.
  • Current Music
    Lifehouse No Name Face

Better off dumb

Well I went through with the procedure and it was actually a pretty fun experience. The sensation of novacaine was quite new to me (It felt kind of like all the nerves in my mouth were fizzling out like dying lightbulbs) and the dentist did the wrong side first so my whole mouth got that nice numb feeling. Then there was the pushing and the pulling and the drilling and all that fun stuff, not to mention feeling how soft and supple my bottom lip is (Definitly a thumbs up!) and the great sensation of having bits of tooth actually pried out of my jaw bone which I really did like. Then there was cutting and sewing and...well...I guess it was pretty normal oral surgery. I quite liked it was interesting. Anyway after I made a mad dash home to grab my insurance card and go get my vicodin prescription filled before the numbness wore off. I was told it was only going to last 2 hours but in truth it was more like 3. Still got a little numbness in the mouth. Anyway the freaking pharmacy made me wait out in the park for an hour while they put the little pills in the little bottle but I had my discman so it wasn't too bad (I drowned out the drilling with Chris Isaac's "Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing" which I think the dentist appreciated since at the volume I was playing it at he could certainly hear it and he looked like he was groovin') And I picked up a bunch of slimfast and cold compresses at the pharmacy. Slimfast because it's a breakfast that requires zero in the way of chewing and ice packs because I think I'm going to try to go without taking any vicodin. This is supposed to be a rite of passage right? Well I'm not a masochist so if it gets REALLY nasty I'll pop a couple pills but I don't like feeling drugged anyway and I have some quick break compresses for now and 3 reusable ones so that I can keep cold constantly applied to the area. We'll see how I do, maybe I'll keep a diary of the pain. I've knocked out teeth before and if it's not worse than that I'll be fine. I have a fairly high pain tolerance. I am going to let the numbness wear all the way off just to see how bad it is and then I will apply some ice since that's good to reduce swelling and promote healing anyway

All in all a pretty good experience. Kinda sorry it's over since I was looking forward to it and I'm not really in enough pain to excuse doing much. But at least I got it over with and I can take this as a jumping off point.

Random Points

-The Pharmacy SUCKED. In every possible way. I hate them.
-Because the pharmacy made me wait that long the gauze in my mouth was so soaked with blood it was like two used red tea bags.
-And I was phlegmy and IT was so bloody that when I spit it out it was like concentrated raspberry syrup. Actually looked pretty cool but I guess the description is disgusting the rest of you.
-I left the milk out for 3 hours so it's probably cottage cheese. Sucks for me, no eatmeal. Slimfast for breakfast.
-I am in enough pain to be irritable but not enough to count as really suffering.

Oh well, the Novocaine's gone and I'm pretty much okay. It hurts but it's a dull throbbing pain which is not TOO bad. I'll post again if things change.

Heh if anyone read this far I'd be shocked.
  • Current Music
    Garbage 2.0

What is this that I can't see with ice cold hands taking hold of me.

Hmm okay it started hurting so bad that I was actually shivering. You know that you're feeling pain when you actually have a powerful physical reaction to it. I had to use two ice packs. The first, the one that the dentist gave me, did NOTHING. The second was one of the $2.50 Ace Ice packs I bought at Rite Aid. That brought the swelling down and the pain to a more reasonable managable level. I even nodded off for 15 minutes until the pack ran out of cold and I woke up. Heh it hurt so bad I couldn't taste the ice cream I tried to eat as food for my antibiotic. THe plan is that I will take the antibiotic because not to would be extremely stupid and I will manage the pain with ice packs. If I were REALLY trying to be a manly man I would just suck it up and go with nothing but I figure that not taking the anti-biotic would risk infection and cold compresses do no harm (Vicoden does) and reduce swelling to promote healing. So I'm striking a balance between pain and reason.

Some more random shit
- I got the two top teeth to bring home with me. I think the nurse was surprised when I asked for them because I'm 20 and it's a little kid thing, but damn it I wanted my teeth. The bottom one had to be broken into pieces because it was a stubborn one and so he just threw that one out. I'm proud of my tooth, it put up a hell of a fight. The dentist's forearms were really bulging there as he pried the pieces loose. GIVE EM HELL MOLEY THE THIRD MOLAR! GIVE EM HELL!

-The nurse was surprised that I kept saying thank you. I guess that most people aren't polite after having that sort of stuff done to their mouths. I actually liked it though. Does that make me crazy?

-Thank god for televised spring training baseball. When you're fading in and out of consciousness and can't focus there's nothing better than the slow ass sport of baseball where the score is liable to be the same when you come to as it was when you passed out. Either that or you'll still be in the same inning.

-It's nice to know that I can still get a rather disturbing erection when shuddering from pain and watching doughy Mo Vaughn (His name is Move On...that kicks ass) bat. It's kind of sad that I'm in my sexual prime now when I ain't gonna use it and I keep getting them at inappropriate moments and then if I eventually get to a point in my life when I WANT them they probably won't come.

-I'm getting O Brother Where ARt Thou because I liked the movie and I want to hear the commentary. The soundtrack deserves the 3 platinum records it got. Too bad none of the cash will reach the artists.
  • Current Music
    O Brother Where ARt Thou Sound Track