March 21st, 2002

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Could you sympathise with my needs, I know you think I need alot

I've been incredibly irritable lately and I'm not 100% sure why. I know that part of it has been the teeth thing, I've been in pain on and off for about 5 days and that's bound to put anyone's french cuts in a french twist. But that's not all of it...I mean I can deal with pain and it hasn't been THAT bad. It's just amplified the rest of the irritations in my life.

It all builds up. I feel like I just can't get a BREAK anywhere. I mean if it's not finals it's the wisdom teeth and once that starts to let up my mom is going completely ballistic on me or I'm feeling exhausted with a headache or I'm just plain bored, cooped up, and lonely. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a mud pit and any time I try to claw my way out I just slide back down and fall on my ass. I can't seem to get any more than one portion of my life moving smoothly at any moment in time and it's just not enough. It isn't.

So I'm irritable and getting more so. My mother is falling apart at the seams, admitting that she takes her frustration and anger out on me just to make herself feel better, curling up on her bed and wailing, blaming my father for just about everything. I want to move out but I'm afraid for her and of the costs and sacrifices it would entail. She says she wants me out one minute and that she needs me the next. I don't want to play her games but she enters the house spouting rage and criticism and I get sucked in. My fault for being human and having empathy I guess.

My body is a wreck and I know I need to fix it but that mountain seems quite the climb. I know I CAN do it but the question is whether I can do it in these conditions. I suppose if I had more vanity in my body or less in my mind I might have turned to drugs instead of food once the darkness came, but I didn't and I have to deal with the consequences. Still it's damned hard to try and stick to a diet when you don't have a core of self esteem and stability to build from. And I can't afford to be more irritable than I already am, my mother's screaming has us getting strange looks from the neighbors already.

My social life is, well, dead. And I'm not seeing any miraculous resurections coming any time soon no matter how close it is to easter. I pretty much keep to myself and I don't see that changing any time soon. I'm really too shy to talk to random people and random people don't seem to like me much anyway. I'm the guy they come to if they need someone who has the guts to challenge the professor or ask a question but beyond that I'm just a big oaf best left to himself. I could go to clubs and stuff I guess but I've never mixed well and I just don't LIKE meeting strangers. Been burned too many times.

I've never had a romantic life and probably at this rate will never have one so that's neither here nor there.

School is...going okay I guess. I don't expect to do great this semester but I suppose I'll muddle by and do alright. But it's not inspiring and it feels fake and chore like. I'm upset that I haven't done the reading that I wanted to over this break but I can't say as it's a shock. I will make an effort to get some done before the test on tuesday although this is an essay test so I should do well either way. Justice is the one class that has really challenged my opinions on some things and made me figure out where I stand in regards to certain things but it's too shallow on each topic. I need to take a class on contracts not just spend 2.5 hours figuring out if they are just or not. Plus it makes me feel stupid even if my essay was exemplary. I constantly feel like my ideas aren't good enough or smart enough in that class. Especially when other people are taking seriously thing that I think are INCREDIBLY Stupid.

I don't know what to do anymore honestly. I have made a decision to take a cold hard look at myself and rearrange and now I'm left with cold hard facts and nowhere to shove them. I'm leaning towards finishing my stint at Columbia and then joining the Army or something. Some place where I can clear my head and get in shape and learn some freaking discipline. Ironically the Army might be a better academic environment for me than college because at least there I could read in peace and not be distracted by TV etc. Plus there'd be very few to no icky icky women around. I don't know if I could hack it there but it'd be fun to try and at least it would give me something real to put on my personal resume. An actual accomplishment besides bullshiting through a bunch of lowered expectations in an environement of "higher" learning that doesn't seem to have all that much to actually teach me.

I know I'm whining but so what? The way I see it life ain't been easy on me. Father commited suicide, mother pretty much gone nuts, grandfather hijacked by evil housekeeper, bad metabolism, social awkwardness, living somewhere I hate, going to a school I don't really like, and saddled with a 19th century sensibility in a 21st century world. Not exactly a picnic. Sure I could have it absolutely OODLES worse, but you could say that about just about anybody out there. Even the hanged could have been boiled alive or fed to the fire ants. I will not be constrained by my fear of sounding like a pussy. Besides I'm not foisting my problems out on society at large or even anyone specifically. I just want to admit what troubles me and find a solution.

So yeah, where's an unloved fat ass drifted with plenty of ambition and absolutely no direction supposed to go to be straightened out EXCEPT the army. Mabe I should pencil that in to my life plan, and hell if life ends there in fatigues then it's no big whoop either. That's not particularly troubling to me.

But I guess I should finish college first. Maybe enter as an officer or something. The least appealing aspect of the army is the sheer mindlessness of it. For all they tell you about being a soldier being career training a whole lot of it is just being a grunt. I'm not sure that's what I need. I don't know what I need. Maybe I don't need structure and shouting and to put my ambitions on hold for 2 years at all. Maybe I just need a loyal caring friend.

Yeah like THAT's gonna happen.
  • Current Music
    Matchbox 20 - Mad Season, then Counting Crows - This Desert Life
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What's the frequency Kenneth

I just joined a bunch of LJ debate and discussion communities because I realized that I've been posting way too much political stuff here where nobody can see it and if I want to test my views out against other people I should put them somewhere where they can be criticized by a wide variety of potentially hostile readers. The only reason I hesitated is because it might draw me more into the internet and away from the real world but I decided that it was worth the risk. After all if this works out I'll probably join some sort of Columbia debate club or some such and see what it's like there. Small steps baby small steps.

I'll be starting the zone diet by monday. I'll miss you bacon cheesburger...I'll miss you most of all.
  • Current Music
    REM - Monster
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Random room cleaning find

When I was a senior in high school I took a course at Columbia. For this class we had to read a Horatio Alger book called "Ragged dick (and) struggling upwards" I was the only one who thought this was an INCREDIBLY perverted name for a book. Am I still alone in that?
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Shots in the dark from empty guns

More Random room cleaning stuff:

When I was taking time off from school and basically playing Everquest all the time I did a lot of reading of bargain books I bought off Amazon. One of these books was "The Rules" For someone who was already pretty soured on women this one really did a number on my opinion of them. It's a sort of interesting read sociologically, but don't read it if you don't want to have a voice in the back of your mind that says "Is she just fucking with me" whenever you speak to a woman.

Dilbert Pencils rock

I still can't bring myself to throw away anything my daddy gave me or anything that belonged to him. He was the only person who ever loved me and even when I'm old bitter and alone having wasted my life and done nothing of value whatsoever I will still remember the time I had with him. File it under pathetic but true.

My haircut really sucks. Really Really. Big time.

My room was so messy that I started to run out of 30 gallon trash bags to put all the garbage in. Fortunatly as I cleaned I kept discovering boxes of empty trash bags from PAST cleaning efforts that had one or two more bags left to keep me going. I think that qualifies as pathetic.

I have oodles more capactiy for hatred towards women than towards men. I think this is because so many women feel entitled to act like complete bitches and recieve no consequences and the impotent men of the modern era just let them. Arrgh.

I'll probably get this room clean by this weekend if I really want to. That'll be nice.
  • Current Music
    Goo Goo Dolls a boy named Goo