March 24th, 2002


Why don't you slide?

Sometimes I miss the depression. It was like a sheath I could slide into, a place I could go that would protect me from the world at large. I feel raw now, like the world is pressing in on my skin, too close, suffocating me. When I have work to do I can no longer excuse myself by saying "It's not worth the emotional anguish." I don't know, the intimate immediacy of despair does have its advantages. Wallowing in self pity is FUN. Now I have to deal with life without that barrier of protection. Without that "Put it off till tomorrow you have more pressing matters NOW" thing there. Without my depression life is kind of...depressing. Isn't it ironic don't I think.

I can still feel the stitches from the operation. I can move them around with my tongue and feel where they enter the soft fleshy gum. It's actually quite an interesting experience. The dentist said they would melt away and I think I'll miss them. They don't really BOTHER me and they are just one more thing to play with while I'm sitting around bored. Plus it's a once in a lifetime experience having them in.

Another interesting thing. The dentist in his followup spent about 12 seconds looking in my mouth and pronounced everything perfect. I felt proud, like I had really handled the operation well. It's funny cause I had NOTHING to do with the healing process. I didn't even gargle with salt water. It's not like he said "Wow Ben you have the gums of a champion! I think with dental healing power like that you are BOUND to become an important person.You're just that much better than everyone else." Of course I think other people would be proud of their gums in the same situation, but still. It's silly.

Reading Michael Moore's "Stupid White Men" is just depressing. He provides so much good evidence of why the country sucks and why all the solutions are hard and time consuming. He definitly is a good, smart, liberal balance to all the conservativism I've been reading though.

Chris Isaac's new album is...interesting. He has two songs that strike me in particular (although the first half really resonates with me.) The first of these is "Notice the Ring" which is about his meeting an attractive girl and noticing that she has a wedding ring on, and trying to rationalize it away. It struck me because it seems so rare for rock songs to address ideas like marriage and morality these days. It's mostly about sexual conquest or angst or what have me. It feels so old fashioned to worry if the girl might be married and lying to you. REally kind of refreshing, although disturbing because he tries to rationalize hooking up with her despite the ring. But still, it's a subject that you'd think would come up more, except people just don't CARE anymore.

The other song is "American Boy" which is the themesong of his Showtime series.
What strikes me about this is that it's SO retro. I mean it harks back to the 50s when people actually thought there WAS a representative fresh faced American Boy. He's just so simplistically optimistic. No 80's excess or 90's cynacism and he doesn't have that manufactured poppycrap of the recent boy bands. That's why I love his music, because he doesn't need an ideology or an era to wrap himself in. He just plays from a polyester couch somewhere in Iowa as a small town boy with a broken heart and no pretentions. That being said the reason I don't like his new album as much as his old ones is it's too polished. The songs are good but they aren't rough and honest. Forever blue had this sort of unplanned feel that makes it a REALLY special album. Always Got Tongiht is good but the pleasure is dulled by the production values. They smoothed out the edges and eliminated the character.

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  • Current Music
    Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up The Girl, Then Chris Isaak- Always Got Tonight

If you told me to follow you know I'd fly for you

Hmm. Okay. The latest Chris Isaak album is definitly growing on me. I guess it's just like "Speak of the devil" another polished album of his. You need to peel back the layers of polish to get at the music underneath. It's still not entirely cookie cutter, Isaak still holds his notes a fraction of a beat too long and makes strange, interesting, musical choices (He writes his own stuff). worked it out wrong is quite good, and Let me Down Easy still has that lazy unrushed feeling that I love about his stuff. I don't know, it's not my favorite of his albums but it still gets me out of New York and into a much simpler, rolling western plains frame of mind. I don't know, maybe it's the oceans that make east and west coast music feel so much sharper and more pointed than that in a more middle America Style. It's like you can only go in one direction so you go there really fast instead of just strolling around in lazy circles through the crabgrass and elm forests.

My cousin that I hate stayed here last night. I stayed in my room. I just can't stand her. She's sponged off my family all my life, always came along on our vacations and ruined them for me by just generally being a pain in the ass, and she's connected to my Aunt Susan who is...ugh. Making it even creepier I'm named after her father who died before I was born. I hate feeling like a prisoner in my own home, but then again it doesn't really feel like my homse. Of course now that my room is significantly cleaner it's nicer to stay in, so at least that's one positive.

I'm at the point in the cleaning when I need to start moving furniture around so I can dust and sweep the crud that's been behind it for years away. This is going to be a pain. meanwhile I should be studying for my mid term and I probably will a little but I can't get motivated to do that.

I only have six more weeks of class left. It's not that much, as long as I make it through this mid term without doing too badly I'll make it out alive. I'm a little concerned about the grades I'll be getting tomorrow but whatever. This vacation flew by because I was in a pain induced haze. Kinda depressing really. But at least I got the wisdom teeth thing done and cleaned a good portion of my room. That's a plus.

I didn't however get around to reading all the books like I said I was going to. Disapointing but not going to discourage me. Starting Monday it's a relatively new me! I'm going to continue to buld towards who I want to be, brick by brick. Instant transformations are not something you can do on demand. But you can painstakingly institue change in your life. Or at least I'm banking on that hope.
  • Current Music
    Chris Isaak - Always Got Tonight

I've been thinking what I should say

I'm in an odd mental place right now. See I've started reading Michael Moore's new book and re-aquainting myself with the logical left while at the same time I've just joined the LJ debate community and encountered exactly the sort of rabid nasty feminists that I spend my school days trying to duck.

Militant overblown feminism gets me really worked up. The things they propose just offend me and the fact that they do so with such righteousness and claim allegiance to the liberal principals I believe's like salt in an open wound.

Abortion is a bad thing. How could anyone propose otherwise? It's not the wrong choice in every situation but it's not good that it has to happen. The idea that abortion is absolutely free of any and all moral claims upsets me. It upsets me further when people claim that partial birth abortion or abortion involving viable fetuses is morally acceptable., Just because it's in your body doesn't mean you have the absolute right to kill it, especially since in most cases you helped put it there. I'm pro-choice but that's pro-CHOICE not pro-abortion. Abortions are sometimes a neccesary evil, that doesn't make them non-evil.

Linked to that agenda is the complete deregulation of sexual activity until humans are no more restrained than boars or dogs in heat, mounting eachother anonymously in the street and then destroying their young if they can't handle them. Wait no, these "girls" would probably prefer the mythical Black Widow spider method of mating. Or the praying mantis style. Men are the neccesary evil in their world. And it extends elsewhere to. The destruction of achievements just because they were achieved by men. The socialization of the work place because women tend to choose lower paying fields. The decimation of the family. The ridicule of women who actually, you know, want to be WOMEN and not just men with unfortunate breasts and uteruses. Female promiscuity is freedom, male promiscuity is rape. Etc etc.

It's this sort of attitude that makes me just want to abandon the female gender entirely and just seal myself up in a nice little bubble away from them. Wrong was done to you so you lash out in return? What kind of behavior is that? And why is it always letting women fall to male standards instead of raising men to female standards that is undertaken? Why is the response to men being irresponsible parents and sexual partners a call for female promiscuity and terrible motherhood rather than a rallying cry for chastity and "He won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free" type thinking? Why don't women want to lead by example and just be more forceful rather than less moral?

I'll never understand. All I know is that there are no smart,sweet, nice girls in my generation as far as I can tell. They're all either indoctrinated male dominated simps or just essentially nasty jerk boys who happen to have female genetalia etc. Ugh maybe I should just abandon the community and get back to my quiet LJ existance with a few hand picked people I talk to and nobody out there to upset me or make me want to withdraw. Sounds a little self-limiting but I haven't had any significant view changes in debate and I've been upset. Doesn't seem to be doing me any good.

It's sad though that things are this way because I can't see myself as NOT eventually contributing to the masculine hegemony, which I do believe is wrong, because I know that when I reach a position where I don't have to kiss TOO much ass I am not going to be socializing with the females in the company. I will probably also try to avoid having a female assistant or project partner. There's just too great a danger of bumping into one of these mental hermaphrodites who will try to cram her intellectual psudophallus down my throat. Of course chances are the hegemony will be dismantled by the time I get there, but I boy can dream.

In other news I am sick and I have to study for this stupid test or just go in blind. I can probably survive blind but I might not ace it. Of course my paper grades will be higher this semester so maybe I can eke out an A without two 98s.

Also I'm starting to dislike the Chris isaak album again but I'm addicted to it. It's not cohesive but the individual songs are pretty decent. I don't know, maybe it's just the cold talking. All I know is that Chris is the only thing I have right now keeping me relatively grounded in nice simple masculine reality. Thanks Chris.
  • Current Music
    Chris Isaak - Always Got Tonight