March 29th, 2002


I been bumming around this old town for way too long.

I've been wondering recently where my subversiveness went. I used to be a real anti-athoritarian. I'd cause trouble (ethically of course) and be a pain in the ass and I wouldn't even bat my eyes at the consequences. At camp when captured by the former-marine guy who ran the place I was cool and collected, ditched the beer bottle the chick had given me in the trash in one smooth motion (dipping my hand deep in so it wouldn't clink) on the way back and sat there smiling while he yelled at us and she sobbed like a baby. That's as close as I've ever been to being in trouble with the law but I doubt it would've been much different if he'd been a cop (Unless I had done something immoral in which case I'd feel shitty anyway)

Anyway these days I'm the opposite. I'm mr. Goody two shoes. In school on time, respectful in my comments, none of that old fire and brimstone and subversiveness. What happened? Did I get soft when I lost my self esteem? Do most people lose their "edge" when they exit the teen years? Is it just dorment waiting to re-emerge in a more appropriate environment? I don't know. I'm a more positive person these days but I don't want to fade into normalcy and mediocrity. I still want to believe that I'm different and that I'm not afraid to fight for what I believe in.

It's a subject that's been bothering me

For dinner tonight I was on my own. I felt a little tired and was tempted to just call in a burger or chinese or something. But I didn't. I fought against years of habit I got off my ass missed a TV show and cooked myself dinner. Skinless fat free chicken breast with sauerkraut, broccoli red peppers garlic and string beans sauteed in olive oil, and stewed tomatos. For desert I had a 30 calorie fudge pop and a little turkey to balance out the protein. A supper that's very low in sugar or processed carbs and high in fiber and green vegetables. Not a big deal for most I guess but the longer I can go without heeding the siren's call of the foods I used to love the better my chances are. I'm not living in a state of denial where I say "If I can only make it down to X weight I can start eating crap again" I'm trying to re-align my dining expectations. Today I had the urge for fried fatty foods that I've always eaten and instead I went for a vegetable heavy lean protein supper that was actually quite satisfying. One step at a time.

I also re-started biking which is good. Need that exercise to go with the diet. My mother is incredibly two faced. She nags all the time that I need to lose weight so I can have grandkids for her (Yeah, and yet when I try to cook healthy she whines endlessly about pots soaking in the sink etc. I guess I should just magically eat healthier without any side products. I can't wait to graduate and escape. I want to go somewhere far away. Wonder if there's a decent Law school in Alaska.
  • Current Music
    Counting Crows - This Desert Life

Trying to find my place up on the map

Today was one of those days that I don't quite know what to do with. It's not so much that it was a bad day per se so much as it is that it was confusing and unclear. But I guess life is just like that when you decide to step out into the real world where other people are bouncing around enacting their own agendas and just generally not respecting the ideologies and feelings you impose on reality.

Like anything that makes little coherent sense today was all wrapped up in the feminine (Shut up groaners, if you don't like to hear about this shit you certainly shouldn't be reading MY journal. You are free to close it and never come back.) It started at 9:00 AM when I was the only male besides the TA in my Japanese History discussion section. That wasn't really a problem becuase most of the girls there are semi-rational (I say semi because their enslaved-prostitution as empowerment theories strike me as a little odd) and we had some interesting discussion (By that I mean that I got to ask some interesting questions of the TA and learned some stuff, and this chick May who seems to have a decent head on her shoulders filled in the rest of the class with her intriguing take on a few issues). After that I decided to speak to the TA to get a progress report for the class since he gets to basically decide 1/3 of my grade based on what he thinks it should be with the only restriction being the instructor sees my reading responses and so has a very basic idea of what I'm contributing. Some girl had an appointment before me though and Lee's office door was broken so they used the TA longue and I had to wait in the hallway. First of all they took literally like 40 minutes in there which seemed to be an excessive amount of time to talk about someone's status in the class, but more importantly while I was standing out there I did some people watching and I noticed the vast majority of the persons walking around up there were female persons. I wonder if asian history is mostly studied by women because asians are such a large proportion of the students in elite academia and so many asian men go into engineering or the like. Anyway this didn't particularly bother me per se, but it began to get me feeling a bit overwhelmed by the estrogen, a process that would continue to a much greater degree later in the day.

So I went in and talked to the TA and it was pretty uneventful. He said I had nothing to worry about, that my test had been among the top 3-4 in the class, and I actually listened to his writing tips for once so I'll do even better on the final. Anyway by the time I left his office it was time to head to my Justice tutorial where things proceeded to go from pretty normal to fairly strange.

On my way to the Justice tutorial I felt a tug on my sleeve and turned around to see a blonde chick grinning at me. I don't know if she had said anything before hand because I was listening to Chris Isaak on my CD player, but she was smiling in a friendly familiar manner. The only thing is I had never seen her before. I made a face intended to convey "Excuse me but I don't know you so why are you tugging at my coat and grinning at me?" (I don't much like being touched by people I don't know, ESPECIALLY not by women. I know that if I did that sort of thing to them there'd be accusations of sexual harasement or something so they can just keep their hands off me.) She pointed at Pupin hall in what I guessed was an implication that we were headed to the same place and I responded by trying to look even more quizical but I guess I must have gone too far in my facial manipulation because she looked offended and turned away. I slowed down to let her get ahead, but I'm still not sure how I managed to offend her without saying anything. I mean maybe I'm just weird but I figure that touching someone is more intrusive than shooting what could be interpreted as a dirty look. Then when I got to the classroom she was there (Still dressed in her tennis clothes and carrying a racket cover for some reason) but when I went for a seat she walked out and never returned. Considering that I wasn't even TRYING to shoot her a dirty look I have to question what the hell was going on. I don't know, maybe it had nothing to do with me, but it struck me as really odd.

Justice tutorial went pretty well but it ended early because I couldn't come up with any more questions and nobody else came prepared. On the way out ANOTHER girl started talking to me about welfare. I have no idea why she started talking to me about welfare. And it wasn't like "Hey what's your opinion on welfare" it was a complaint about how conservatives were so heartless and etc etc..Well I am always game for a debate so I responded and we got to talking and walking until we reached the middle of campus and stopped. There we proceeded to talk about various issues for approximatly one hour and forty five minutes. She had this annoying habit of laughing in an outraged fashion whenever I would disagree with her (As if to say "Wow it's amazing that ANYBODY could be that stupid and heartless) but other than that I had an okay time. She's not the brightest debater around but she has an interesting perspective. Anyway I was rather confused as to why we started the conversation in the first place but I guess that's just one of those mysteries of social interaction I'll never get. I just felt like I was plopped down in the middle of a conversation that I hadn't started. As a side note she was talking about how liberal and environmental she was yet she smoked two cigarettes and threw them both on the ground on campus walk. Don't people KNOW how hypocritical that is?

While we were talking a lot of people that I knew passed by. Derrick bumped me from behind as a joke which didn't bother me because, hey, at least I know who the fuck he is. Patricia (Her name which I didn't find out until after we had finished talking) is in GS so some of her GS friends stopped to talk to her and I knew a couple of them. It was almost like I was a normal college student on campus rather than a social reject.

Also even though I promised I wouldn't mention her again She-who-needs-no-introduction walked right past us. I saw her out of the corner of my eye and I wasn't sure it was her so I made sure to verify it. I'm pretty sure it was (Patricia was still talking to me so I didn't want to blatently stare). At that point my heart dropped through my chest and I had absolutely no idea what Patricia was saying but I reigned myself in, turned back to her, and continued the conversation as best I could. She didn't seem offended or anything so I guess my inward turmoil wasn't on outward display. Anyway She-Who-Has-Had-A-Pernicious-Influence-On-My-Personal-Growth walked behind me rather than Patricia so I couldn't confirm with absolute certainty that it was her. She didn't say anything to me though so I guess either she didn't remember me or she wasn't interested in speaking to me. That's alright though, the soulwrenching only lasted for a minute or so and I actually started to feel okay. I guess I have recovered.

Anyway after Patricia finally headed off with some guy (I never end debates unless I have to. I will stand there and talk for 5 hours without flinching. I just can't be worn out) I went home for 30 minutes and then headed to my anthro recitation. Me, 19 women, and a book written from a feminist perspective trying to indict the concept of masculinity. Yeah that was a long hour. Basically I spent a good section of the time pointing out flaws in the argument and problems of methodology while the girls spent the rest of it evading saying what they really wanted to because I was there and making my male presence felt so they couldn't just bash my gender at will. I really wonder about the dedication of my fellow male students who can't be bothered to show up for recitations and just generally seem not to care as much. No wonder the male GPA is .5 lower. Anyway it was pretty torturous but at least I felt like I kept the women in the room from completely castrating the ideal of masculinity and male bonding so it was probably worth it.

The day was exhausting for a variety of reasons but I survived.The only thing is that I really have to wonder whether somebody is scripting my life. I mean this was a very appropriate cap to a week which I spent complaining about women and feminine theory. At least I know now not to write about how much I hate getting kicked in the nuts.
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    Matchbox 20 - Mad Season