April 3rd, 2002


Can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart. This gun's for hire even if we're

It's funny how ingrained in you a state of mind can be even if your reality has gone through significant changes since you first adopted it. Mental impressions of life and expectations from life lag behind reality.

I have only recently started to look around and realize how much my life has changed over the last 8 years and more importantly the last 15 or so months. Since coming back to school my life has been improving at an incremental but almost unnoticable rate. This journal has help me recognize some of the progress I've made in certain areas as well as identify places where I still have improvements to make. I wonder how much I changed throughout highschool without even noticing it. Anyway I've been thinking about how DIFFERENT I am in so many ways to how I was even a year ago. How many small strides I've made. I used to think that I had to change the world before I hit 18. That I had to write a great novel or a screenplay or do something of profound significance before I could be considered an adult. That I had to match all those prodigies and young geniuses in terms of output. Part of the reason for that was that I didn't see a future after my father died. Everything was nownownow. That has changed. Now I DO see myself as the type of person who will be alive in five years. And I see that as mattering. I think that's what helped me start a serious diet for the first time in my life with the resolve neccesary to stick to it. Not only is it true that dieting gets rid of a lot of my guilt, increases my energy, and removes the embarassement I used to experience when ordering take out or buying crap at the supermarket, but it also allows me to see my future in a more positive light. I see my future. I don't know, maybe it's the fact that weight is such a TANGIBLE realm to make progress in that sparked this sort of thinking but I think that I get some fundemental truth now. If goals in life are like a cookie jar on top of a cabinet the way to get at them is not to jump as high as you can and try to reach, it's to build some sort of ladder or something that will allow you to smoothly step up and grab them. I am finally starting to put my life together and I'm achieving more than I did when I just concentrated on the goal rather than the things that would allow me to reach it. I've been looking back at old journal entries, way back when Sueside (I guess she just stopped reading one day, I was never on her friends list but she used to look at this journal) was the only one who commented and I was just starting to get back into the swing of school. That person seems so distant even though he's less than 12 months behind me. He was so much less secure, so much more depressed and so confused. I almost want to reach out and comfort him except that I know that things DO get better for him. Despite setbacks and problems he starts to feel better.

That's good to know.

April 6th is an important day for me. I will save the rest of what I have to say for the massive entry I plan to compose then.
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