April 5th, 2002


I want the stars to know they've won, if only to beguile. The sky has opened up again and heaven rec

So I just dreamed about She-Of-The-Repetitive-Monikers again. An intense and nuanced dream, very believable without too much in the way of obvious dreamlike falsehood (Except that for some reason there was a nightclub in the top floor of Butler Library, but I remembered remarking to my visiting friend Gabe, who is a real person if not a CLOSE friend, that it was fucking stupid that they put the nightclub in the top of Butler, so I guess I kind of explained it away through idiocy) Anyway I had this dream and when I woke up and realized it WAS a dream I was filled not with pain or regret or angst but instead with intense irritation. I mean my fucking brain betrayed me. That ain't cool. Being bitchslapped by your subconscious mind is just cruel. Not that it hurt for more than a minute to wake up this time, but it was a dream that was basically CALCULATED to hurt me when I awakened.

It didn't work and I'm happy I was able to absorb it without tasting emotional canvas, but I don't even want it in my head anymore. She was responsible for a lot of things, this journal being a major one (Yeah even though you can't tell from the first few entries I started this journal almost entirely as a reaction to the emotional strife I felt over her) but it really is time to get past her. She deserves better than to be the antagonist of some little nobody's angsty dreams.

I'm gonna win this war with myself. Even if it's just by attrition. I let down my defenses and she got in and played hackey sack with my emotions. But now it's time to expel the barbarians, bar the gates, and make myself the emperor of my own emotional domain.

Blinders on, focus at the road ahead. If I'm going to climb out of this hole it's going to require concentration and no straying. I think I'm ready for that. So fuck you obstacles and fuck you weakness. I'm coming, straight ahead no excuses. End with a W or leave on my back.
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