April 11th, 2002


Judge not lest ye be judged. What a beautiful refrain.

Another day bites the dust. I should really get started on the papers I have due. After my test tomorrow. Anyway today was pretty typical blah blah blah. Justice was pretty cool because I nailed both the questions that the professor asked the class while everyone else sort of hemmed and hawed around the point.

Anthropology was mediocre at best. I just don't AGREE with a lot of what's said in that course. Oh well.

Psychology was interesting. We were doing depression and I could see myself in a lot of the things we discussed. I was also interested in the fact that psychotherapy has slower effects than drugs for depression but vastly reduces the danger of relapse. I guess it was an awakening to what was actually going on. I had always thought that Jeff was just holding me on an even keel until I could sort my own life out, but I guess he was actually working quietly behind the scenes like a weevil of some sort, cutting away at the thick cloud of gloom. He can't take credit for it of course, because that would take away from my sense of self-determination and pride in conquoring the depression which he wouldn't want, but I know he was back there weeviling away. Abnormal psychology is interesting in that it really does explain some of the faulty thought patterns of mentally ill people. Too bad I'm bombing it.

After psych I came home, frantically searched for my ID card, found it, and headed off to the library to meet up with Diana. We studied for about an hour, which is to say I went over some of the material with her and helped her understand a few things while reminding myself of some stuff as well, and then some other girl from our Stat class dropped by and asked if she could study with us. We said why not and she pulled up a chair. After that the three of us chatted without studying for about an hour. Well mostly the two of them talked and I added a comment or two where appropriate. Apparently there's lots of drinking and puking going on in Barnard. Not a big surprise. I also learned about how LITTLE a lot of students actually attend class. I can't stand that. If you're going to go to college then you should go to class. During this hour I failed to catch this other girl's name but it's not a big deal. She didn't seem all that interesting. Anyway after about an hour the girl went to get her homework from the box and we followed (although she walked away from us, no idea why.) We checked the homework box but our stuff wasn't there and Diana told me about her summer in Prague at the film festival translating for Thora Birch and Joe Pantiliano (Apparently Pantiliano is a real lech). I got to hear some interesting impressions of the whole Hollywood star system. After we didn't find any homework he headed off campus to our respective homes. On the corner we stopped and talked for about another hour or so. She's actually a really interesting person. Her dual citizenship and youth spent traveling between the Czech Republic and the U.S. gives her the exoticness of a foreigner with the common frame of reference and communication skills of an American. She also has a very unasuming and casual manner. I CAN be open to communication with females, and ENJOY myself, if they have interesting things to say and have a laid back straightforward attitude. That's not much to ask is it?

Anyway it was getting late and some homeless guy came up and accosted us. I wanted to be gentlemanly and stuff so I agreed to go to the store and buy some stuff for him, not realizing that he wanted me to use my own money. He started loading up the cart till I said uncle. It cost me $10 to get rid of the dude (Although he WAS buying food for his family). I felt like a worse sap than Jing. Oh well at least I can tell myself that it was in defense of a woman, not to mention that I save more than that by eating so much less. Yeah, whatever it takes to get me through the night.

Anyway today was pretty average except for the fact that I actually interacted with the other gender in a positive and constructive manner. Certainly there are no romantic potentials anywhere there, but that's actually a damned good thing. Maybe this will get Jeff's Lacky to stop hounding me. Probably not though.

I should sleep. Got a test tomorrow.School doesn't feel real anymore. I'll probably explain why tomorrow. Now...sleep.
  • Current Music
    REM New Adventures in Hi-Fi

We call them weak who are unable to resist, the slightest chance that might exist. And for that fors

I've been thinking, I really AM doing myself a disservice by taking school so cavelierly. Sure I'm doing fine, but I'm wasting these years of my life just getting by when I should be plunging headlong into deep thought and rumination. I am skimming along on the surface instead of wading in to the sea myself (Damn the shrinking balls). I recognized this during Lit-Hum today when I realized that a lot of my excuse for not doing the work was my depression. Well quite honestly, that's gone. Things that would have sent me spiraling downward in the past are just recieved with a shrug and an attempt to learn these days. I should start engaging things.

Of course there's still the problem of not having anyone to talk to even after I start engaging things since classes WILL not go into the depth that I need, but that's okay. I'll just have to become more self reliant and start writing some more serious academic stuff outside of school. Probably not possible this semester but that's okay. Only three weeks left after this one anyway, and this one's almost done.

A corrolory to this line of thinking is that I really need to re-examine my major. I sort of chose psychology or law while I was depressed and seeking some sort of meaning outside of personal fulfillment. When I was pushed to do something to save the world so that I would be okay. I'm not sure I feel that way anymore. I still definitly want to achieve something but I don't know whether I should focus on doing the most I can for the world objectively or just picking whatever I can do best/like most and doing the most I can at that. It's definitly something to think about. Decisions decisions. Anyway I'm gladI haven't declared yet. I might switch again to something like English or philosophy which better fits my talents. Or I might not. Any suggestions as to what I should do?

Well right now I know that I should get ready to go to class cause I have a stat test. Damn, now I feel pressure to do well because I helped Diana and if I do worse than her I'll look like something of a fraud. Shake it off, shake it off. I'm sure I'll be fine. I did some sample problems on my own and they weren't too hard, plus the test isn't going to be that long or tough. We'll see though.
  • Current Music
    Garth Brooks - Double Live disc 1