April 17th, 2002

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They will destroy themselves if we allow them to

Okay, before I start blathering about my personal life I'd like to get into politics and college for a moment. This was posted on my anthropology Class message board:

Boycott Classes! Boycott Work!

SHOW YOUR SUPPORT
FOR THE PEOPLE OF

***** P A L E S T I N E *****

Protest and Sit-In

Columbia University
Low Library Steps

Wednesday, April 17
10AM - 4PM

Go to your class, tell your professor and classmates that you will not
attend the class for the protest, and ask them to join!

Organized by the Columbia Anti-War Collective, Turath, Students for
Justice in Palestine, People for Peace, and other concerned Columbia
students.

Now I really gotta ask....What...is Bush going to say "Sorry Sharon you're going to have to cave. It appears as though a bunch of liberal college students aren't going to class. I don't know if this is strange or not since despite being a Yale Graduate I have never actually SEEN a classroom, but this crisis is overwhelming. Now please capitulate and allow yourselves to be pushed into the sea and drowned"

I mean what exactly do people hope to gain through this sort of feckless limp wristed semi-protest. Is it JUST an excuse to get out of class? Is it mere anti-semitism? I don't know.

Speaking of Jews I got an advertisement in the mail for a Jewish cemetary complex. I don't know, I think 20 is a little young to start planning my funeral. I really gotta love the sort of targetted marketing that focuses merely on ONE aspect of who you are rather than taking your whole demographic into account. It's like all those breast enlargement E-mails I get. Umm...sorry if I wanted a big rack I'd go to Ikea.

That's most of my ranting except that I hate the U.N. even more passionatly after this last measure they passed which justifies suicide bombings. Frankly there should be some sort of secret council of SANE nations that could actually ACCOMPLISH things and didn't bend to insane dictatorial nutjob rogue states. Oh right, NATO already exists. Long live U.S. Hegemonic Military dominance.

Personal notes.

Haven't done much on my papers. Planning to write at least half my book review tonight so I can work out tomorrow. Don't know whether that's a possibility. Hope so. Justice paper is taking shape.

In Justice class yesterday the professor blatently stated that he didn't want my opinion because I answer too many questions. That stung somewhat. I mean when he just picks someone else to avoid having me talk too much that's okay, but when he actually states directly that he wants someone ELSE to talk. Well...

During Psychology we had a guest speaker. She talked WAY too quick for anyone to take notes. It was an interesting lecture though. I asked a question and she offered to let me look at some raw data to find the answer. That's a bit overenthusiastic, I skipped out without looking.

In terms of majoring in psych, well I emailed the advisor and things aren't looking good. I'll head in to see her on thursday and try to see if I can work something out but I'm not sure anything will come of it. Oh well, it's not the end of the world. I thought I'd be more upset. Maybe it's a sign that I don't REALLY want to do psych. Maybe I'm just rationalizing.

I hate Pride and Prejudice. Intensly.

During Statistics today I stooped to lows of juvenile humor that I haven't resorted to since high school. When the instructor lowered the lights in order to show a projection Paul said "Ooo Mood Lighting" and I said "Yeah, check out the Correlation on THAT data set" which elicited a rather irritated sigh from Diana (I wasn't talking to her but she overheard). Then later on when we were looking at differences between male and female income I asked Paul about Sex change patients and hermaphrodites and Diana told me to just shut up. It wasn't like I was talking to her (I wouldn't make comments like that to a chick) but apparently my comments were so annoying that she couldn't take them. Eh. At least Paul found them amusing. God I'm a fucking Geek.

Today was the last day of GED. I muddled through and it sucked. Eun Jin actually asked a few questions which I was able to answer but other than that the day was wasted. Some girl who hadn't been in class since week 3 came in and said she'd emailed me. I never got it. She was wearing a really low cut shirt that had a further strip of cloth removed along the cleavage. It was distracting. I hate that it was distracting.

After I finished I went back to the office and talked a little with Jen who is the coordinator. She asked me how I did decently at 19 credits and still had time to volunteer. I told her I was good at doing well in school despite not doing the reading. That launched into a HUGE lecture from some RANDOM woman about how I had a gift and shouldn't waste it etc. She laid into me for not doing the reading telling me I'd regret it later and then started talking about her own educational experiences for quite some time. I missed Andy Richter Controls the Universe for this because I figured if I stopped talking to a woman all my critics would think ill of me. Eventually I convinced her that there were downsides to my "gifts" as well etc... I'll never understand how people just leap into conversations with people they don't know. I don't even talk to people I DO know without them initiating the conversation first. Anyway I never learned this woman's name and I have no clue as to her age. SHe looked like she was early twenties but she was definitly over 24. Eh who knows. At least Jeff agrees with her so she's in semi-okay company I guess.

Anyway most of my day has been spent thinking over my papers and I really should start this book report. This whole entry was partially procrastination but I also wanted to get it down on the net so people would know I wasn't dead and I wouldn't let my busyness conquor my need to express myself etc.

And now...academic bullcrap.
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I know I can't keep it all together

For the first time in awhile I am actually feeling bad. I've been stressed out this week over these papers and also have been recovering from my illness. It's been hot as Hades in APRIL no less (I love cold weather) and I pretty much have no shot at getting into the psychology honors program. That last one is the thing that bothers me most and it's unfortunatly the only one that isn't going to go away fairly soon (Well the weather may stay hot but that alone is not enough to upset me)

I'm not a hundred percent sure why I'm so fixated on getting into psych honors, especially considering the fact that I'm not even certain I want to do psychology. It's not the subject I find most interesting and it's definitly not what I'm best at. The thing is that I really want to contribute to the world of SCIENCE and I know that I'm not cut out for the really hard (As in no room for interpretation, not difficult) ones like chemistry or physics (and I'm SO not doing biology at Columbia) so psychology is the only one really left for me. I guess I could just major in it without worrying about honors if I were, you know, sane, but I NEED validation from the academic establishment that I'm special and good and all that cause I'm sure as hell not getting it anywhere else.

I don't really have a family. I have my somewhat unhinged mother who occasionaly I interact with in a manner that could be described as semi-friendly but generally we just clash a lot over just about everything.

My social life is almost as non-existant. As Elenelle so graciously put it a few months ago "I don't have friends (Insert superfluous sarcastic use of the term sweetie HERE) I have aquaintances." This is something that I've known and accepted for awhile now. I have long wished that there was a term in between aquaintance and friend that one could use to describe someone who you know pretty well and have spent significant time with but would not rely on to assist with your problems or trust implicitly. I guess friend sort of covers that but I think it SHOULD mean more than that. Anyway I don't have anyone who would qualify as a real friend and thus my "social life" is profoundly unsatisfying. I'm not sure why this is so, I think it's a combination of my reluctance to actually strike up conversation with anybody even if they've talked to me on previous occasions, my general disinterest in my fellow man, my "unique" personality and style of communication, and the fact that I just don't FIT well with my age group.

Romance? Ha. I laugh at you. I point while doing so in order to amplify the effect of the laughter and make you realize that I am indeed laughing at you and not some other thing. I have a schizophrenic view of romance, fear and disdain mixing with idealization and longing. It doesn't really make sense but it's pretty good proof that I should probably avoid that Arena until I have some sort of grasp of what I actually think about it. Also there are the considerations that I have no particular prospects OR targets at this juncture and my Abnormal professor mentioned that people who do not learn how to interact romantically during high school often lack in the neccesary skills to make future relationships work. She's constantly refering to how wonderful being in love is and how horrible it is to be broken up with etc. It's one of the reasons I don't really like her lectures. I can't relate.

Outside of school I have no real accomplishments. I suppose I could try to do something beyond the scope of education but I'm not sure I'd be able to find anything that I'd consider worthwhile without having to risk my ego. Maybe I SHOULD sign up to try to write for a newspaper or publication at school or perhaps I should apply to work as a research assistant but I'm really not so sure how satisfying it would be.

I don't know. I would really like to get out of school with a degree that says more than that I merely survived it. I want to be told that I prospered. Call it shallow or short sighted but it's true.

Anyway I'm not particularly depressed, more restless and annoyed and stressed out. It doesn't help matters any that food has turned from a great pleasure into a chore. I put off meals more and more these days as the foods start to get monotonous and the novelty and pride slip away. That's not to say I will quit the diet, I am commited, but rather that I am starting to feel somewhat deprived of what used to be my main sensual pleasure. Even more reason to invest in academics. Oh well, we'll see what happens. I'll work hard to do well in this last psych class and cross my fingers about honors. Maybe it's just a sign that psych wasn't for me and I should do poli sci or law or even literature. Maybe it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

I don't know. I should get to work on my Justice paper though. Today is a bit of a lull since it's not due till friday but it's a ten pager so I shouldn't try to crank it out in one night. Fortunatly I have no lit-hum tomorrow so I'll make use of the extra time to do a decent job.

Or so I hope.
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