April 21st, 2002


Didn't make sense not to live for fun your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

I live in frustrating times. Well it's not so much that I live in frustrating times as that the current times I am personally going through are proving to be quite frustrating. Got all that? No? Cool.

Okay. Let's start with Crime and Punishment. The book, not the concept. I have a paper for it due on tuesday. I'm about 40 pages in. It's a long fucking book. Now the situation is not ENTIRELY dire because I can afford to miss this paper and then write one on a Virginia Wolf book and one on some Hebrew novel. But I want to write on Crime and Punishment and that's going to involve what is known in many circles as a fuckload of reading. I'm going to try to get at least a couple hundred pages in tonight and then burn through as much of the rest as I can tomorrow. I want to read the book but I can't say as I particularly enjoy it so far. There's too many digressions, too much depression, and far too many examples of pathetic people who behave stupidly and suffer horribly for it. I guess that's part of what makes Dostayevsky such an amazing novelist, his willingness to deal with the complexities of human behavior and the fact that even if someone is suffering because he truly deserves it, it is still a horrific fact that people have to suffer so. It's still not exactly FUN reading. Dostayevsky might be one of the greatest writers of all time but his sentences and paragraphs are far from punchy. Shakespeare's punchy. Even Jane Austen is somewhat punchy. Homer's works are so full of action and adventure that they can't HELP but be punchy. Dostayevsky? Not so much.

And please no lectures on how I should have started earlier. I was busy as hell till friday, I took Saturday to recoup a little and catch up on sleep, and I felt like shit this morning for some undetermined reason (Probably communisits. Communists sneaking into my room at night and disturbing my sleep. Damned Communists) I'm hoping to read till 1 AM tonight and then just rip through as much as I can tomorrow morning and throughout the day except when I have classes. Hopefully I'll get sucked in. When I'm sucked into a book I can read massive amounts of it quickly. I should be able to write the paper tuesday morning. If I start at 8 at the computer lab I'll have 3 hours and I can afford to make it not so great since the grade will be dropped anyway (3 essays, 2 get dropped, already have an A- and I'll get an A on my To the Lightouse essay) Facts of taking 19 credits.

Dieting just flat out sucks. The pharmacy near me is out of the good tasting Zone bars so I've had nothing tasty to eat for quite some time now. I think I understand why people go to health food stores now. It's not because they want Tamarind seed or Tofu crap. No, nobody would ever want to eat that shit. Rather it's because there's no experience quite as horrendous as walking past an aisle of cheetos to search out cottage cheese or some similarly tasteless concotion because even MELBA toast has too many damned carbs for you to be able to consume it. Yeah you read that right, Melba toast. A substance so vile that I don't think it's even classified as food. It's the food that even the kids who used to eat paste in elementary school and wash it down with a few sheets of paper would make fun of because it's just THAT bad. If we airdropped melba toast on starving refugees they'd file a grievance with the U.N. for inhumane treatment. Melba toast is just one of those substances that aren't neccesarily fatal to eat, like play dough or edible panties. Anyway I'm LONGING for a freaking piece of Melba toast but it's out. All I can is this freaking light bread which combines the robust flavor of one of those little wax candy bottles sans sugar water with the satisfying consistancy of cotton candy. It's like trying to consume little shreds of air, only it tastes worse. Yeah I'm losing weight at a fairly decent clip (3 more pounds and I'll be down to my end of High School weight which is far from GOOD but will mean that I've erased 3 years of horrendous eating in a matter of a month or so) but damn it when you take away my food you take away the best part of life. Still I'm in it for the long haul and I'm not going to let a little thing like a fainting spells and the uncontrollable urge to boil my shoe just because it would at least taste like SOMETHING stop me from eating healthy. No. I will perservere.

Discussions about academia in various message boards have made me question whether I'm doing anything at all valid by working hard to try and get my degree (Well at least doing SOME hard work if not exactly going nose to the grindstone three sheets to the wind) I mean nobody seems to care about GPA or what institution you come out of or ANYTHING. It's just a piece of paper they say. What you learn is useless they say. Big universities sold out long ago they say. Oh well, fortunatly my elitism will keep me going even if practicality demands I only get my 2.0 fueled piece of paper and get the fuck out. Plus it keeps me pretty busy.

I wish I could be transported back 80 years to when colleges were still gender segregated, the student body was more serious and there was more competition, and being a Jew was an actual handicap. It would be a very interesting challenge. I'd probably get bored of all the fraternal brickabrack and racism rather quickly but at least I'd get a chance to see a classroom with some damned standards. Wishful thinking isn't too useful though.

Oh well, I'm tired. Should probably get some sleep. Plan to stay up till one reading makes little sense since it'd just leave me tired and reading slow tomorrow. Or at least I think that's what it would do. Either way I'm gonna grab some Zzzs. Much needed Zzzs at that.

Oh and this just in. Women still blow and not in the good $45 for the best 7 minutes of your life way. What you thought I was going to go a whole freaking week without needling the bumpychests? Dream on. At least nobody actually reads this far into my entries so I won't get flamed. That's the ticket. Bury the contraversial statements beneath piles of mundane "A day in the life" crap and nobody will take issue with them. Genius, sheer genius. Okay, I really AM tired.
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