April 28th, 2002


Tearing down what we've built up so well

I didn't get my reading done today. I WILL do it tomorrow no matter what. Even if I don't get ANY sleep. This is not something I'm going to compramise on. It's a short book and I'm already well into it. I WILL complete it. So help me me.

I've been absolutely shocked and dismayed by the responses to one of my comments in Debate. Basically everyone is egalitarian to a fault and completely against formulating anything like an objective standard there. The few who will offer something close to objectivity lodge it purely in self interest (The worth of a man can be determined by what he can do for ME right now. Sickening) In Defense Of Elitism is an imperfect book but it's one that I'm glad I'm reading. It's good to dig deeply into a book that makes no wheedling attempts to qualify everyone as having the same worth and is not afraid to say things that might offend people. True there are points that are rather badly phrased or make little sense, but I'm still enjoying it. Still, maybe I should withdraw from the debate communities. The idea of being in there arguing with all those relativists and inferiority apologists just gives me the willies. Makes me feel dirty. *Sigh* I should go to sleep so I can get some work done tomorrow. Never enough hours in the day (Especially when you watch some SPECTACULARLY bad boxing on Showtime/HBO. For a couple million you'd think they could put on a half decent fight now and then. You'd be wrong for the most part.)
  • Current Music
    Jimmy Eat World - Static Prevails

Random thoughts

In defense of elitism just lost some major points with me. It's one thing to write an elitist book that has ideas I don't agree with. That I can accept. It's another to write things like "It is in almost everyone's venal interest to make things look better than they are. In truth, of course, they are worse" Things are worse than they are? It should read "In truth, of course, things are worse than they look" It wouldn't be GOOD rhetoric but at least it wouldn't be obviously false. Oh well I should be reading To The Lighthouse anyway.

I want someone to explain to me how I can eat on diet, exercise, drink plenty of water, and still gain 3 pounds in one day. Maybe I'm getting sick and bloating or something because unless you include fluids I did not take in 3 pounds of matter yesterday. And I was already fully hydrated.

It's funny but in a way dieting has made me feel fatter and more worthless. I've lost weight but not enough and I can't seem to get rid of it fast enough. I felt comfortable before, despite being fat, but now I feel disgusting and slow. Not to mention that my self esteem takes a dive every time I step on that scale and it doesn't tell me what I want to hear. I worry that this diet won't be enough...that I'll have to go FURTHER into denial. I Fret that my weight will level off and it will take years to get rid of the rest of it.

My mother thinks she has breast cancer. They found something in her mamogram. I don't think it's cancer (She's had health scares before that were nothing) but it's just adding to my stress.

I've decided that I really don't like this book. Have to read it, but don't like it.

Hunger is something that you DO get used to.

Stress really is not.

Adam still hasn't sent in the data sets or responded to my email. I hope he's not dropping the ball.

I ate 8 extra grams of carbohydrates today and tried to work it off with half an hour of high intensity on the bike. Maybe I can turn into an exercise Bulemic. Probably not but I could think of worse things that might happen.

Ugh. Sometimes I want to toss it all and just give up and get drunk or high or whatever. But then I just think of my father and the strength I draw from remembering what that kind of support was like and I straighten my head out. Even 8 years in the grave he's still my anchor to sanity.

I need to stop fucking around and get back to my book.
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    cynical cynical