June 27th, 2002


Dreams they complicate my life


That's all I can see. If first semester last summer was a slow drawn out experience where She-Who-It-Is-At-This-Point-Stupid-To-Refer-To-This-Way dominated my thoughts this semester was a fucking bullet that slammed through me so quick that it's on its way to Albequerque at this point and I'm still waiting to hear the bang.

I'm almost over my illness. Got some grades back in Spanish and I've been doing better. I have a composition to write tonight and then the final/oral exam and I'm done. Hopefully I'll get at least an A- which does not seem unlikely

Speaking of oral exams...I'm still worried that it's going to dredge up painful memories. I have been letting people in my group write the script because I don't want to go through that process again without....*mountain, wind, cue forlorn type music*.... but I do need to get involved if I want to do decently on the assignment and you're not really paying attention to me if you don't think I do.

I finished developmental psych today. We did male-female differences. It was alright I guess. I don't know, I just kept thinking about how poorly my development went since I am lacking in so many essential arenas. Gender is definitly one of them. It's not that I have gender confusion or that I am unhappy with my maleness but rather that I seem never to have moved beyond the 12 year old dichotomization of genders where Mine=Good and Theirs=Bad. Probably related to that thing that happened when I was 12. I don't know...it just makes me sad. Also my complete lack of popularity since that predicts that I will live a lonely and pathetic life and never ever do anything of value.

I finally established a Raport with the professor...useless since the class is over and all that's left is an objectivly graded multiple choice test. Also I talked to some students at the end of the class. The obscenely beautiful girl in the class (She really doesn't belong within a mile of people actually trying to concentrate on studying. One of those faces that starts out average but the more times you glance at it the more beautiful it gets until finally it is almost painful to see, etching a shining image of aesthetic perfection into your retina that leaves you achingly sad when inevitably she turns away or you realize you're staring and turn back to your notes) was trying to get some help as was the guy Mike I've talked to a couple times. I felt bad since both of them have INSANELY comprehensive notes and all I have is chickenscratch in my little red notebook and yet I do better. Anyway that got me feeling guilty about my grades when I should be more concerned with not getting something atrocious like a B!

Work is pretty good. No real complaints there except bureaucracy. I hate the fact that I have to backlog a sign in sheet even though it's obvious to the person who told me to do it that it's got to be a lie since I have to claim I signed in at all those times and that's clearly false. That made no sense but I have no patience for idiocy.

I have not been dieting well at ALL. I will REALLY have to get that in gear. I have done some biking which was loads of fun but I need to get back on the path to health and shit. It's bad enough I'm anemic like some god damned 10 year old girl getting her first period...I can't let myself slip backwards in terms of weight.

I guess that's most of it. I have no time to write. I should get to work on my assignment. I have 9 AM work tomorrow.

Jesus H. I am just wearing myself the fuck out. I really do need more free time. Why the hell am I doing all this shit again?
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