July 4th, 2002


Wave goodbye to ma and pa cause with the birds I'll share. With the birds I'll share this lonely view.

So what's been going on with me recently?

Glad you asked.

I finished my first two classes of the summer. This time really flew by and I have to say that I was not prepared to take finals. I only realized just how much time I spent in class when I was walking down the street yesterday and suddenly it was like "Hey! I can speak Spanish." I even bought a spanish newspaper and tried to read it on the way to work. I couldn't understand every word but I was definitly getting the gist and some specifics out of all the articles. My problems were of vocabulary not grammer, which can be worked on.

Anyway I think I did pretty well in Spanish...A or A-. Not so sure about psych. I have a shot at an A- but also could do as low as a B or maybe even a B-. We'll see I guess. I'm hoping that she curves a little since nobody got over a 94 on the first test and this test was harder, plus I established a decent rapport with her towards the end which might help. At least it's out of my hands at this point. There's some comfort in that.

Anyway up until yesterday afternoon grades and the like were dominating my thoughts, as they always do between the time that final tests start and the time that grades are submitted, but then something happened.

A couple days ago at work the supervisory veternarian of the Animal floors asked me to come in and see him when I had the time. I didn't think all that much of it, I figured he either wanted to tell me something about Dolores' cat or mention some small breech of protocol (since he said it wasn't urgent I assumed it wasn't a major breech) that I was engaging in. Anyway, yesterday I was getting some cages for the rats and I stopped by the vet's office to see what he wanted, since if I was doing something wrong I wanted to learn what it was sooner rather than later.

He invites me in, closes the door, and proceeds to explain the reason he asked me in. It isn't a breech of protocol or about the cat. He wanted to talk to me about my father and how much my father helped him when he first came to this country. Now, while I appreciate what he was trying to say, I have not experienced a situation that uncomfortable in quite some time. First of all I didn't know what to say. The guy was begging me to accept his help and one of the things that I DON'T want is to get special treatment because of connections. I understood that he just wanted to repay a favor to his dead mentor (Yes, he called my father a mentor) but I want to earn my way through the academic world as best I can. I don't want to ride coat tails or get special treatment. So while I wanted to be polite I couldn't accept his offer. And there is also the fact that I am not ready to talk about my father. I doubt I will ever be. Hearing about what a great person he is is very hard for me. So I was laughing nervously as this guy was pouring his heart out. It was a bad situation. In the end I just told him that what he said would have meant a lot to my father and thanked him for his offer and told him I'd pass on his sentiments to my mother.

I hope that was the right thing to do. He looked somewhat disappointed.

Anyway this experience changed the complexion of my day. I left work early cause I couldn't concentrate (my boss had already gone home at that point so it wasn't a huge deal) and I went for a bike ride to clear my head, which seemed to work. But then last night I had one of those dreams again. The ones where my father comes back and says that he was never dead and he just went off for 8 years but now he's back. In this dream my dad had turned into a big slacker and a bum who wouldn't get a job but I was so overjoyed that he was back that I didn't care, and I started trying to figure out things that he could do to get back on his feet and offering him money and whatever because I was so fucking happy to see him again. And of course my mother, in the dream, didn't want me to have anything to do with him but it didn't matter. I was so...happy.

Then I woke up.


Now I'm afraid to go back to sleep because I HATE those dreams. They are too painful. Plus it has all sorts of psychological implications that I'm too tired to work out at the moment. But suffice it to say I'm glad that this stuff happened AFTER finals and when I have a break from any responsibility. Because at least I can distract myself and not think for a few days. And that's something.
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