July 28th, 2002

pod

American Girls all weather and noise, playing the changes for all of the boys

It has become increasingly clear to me that there's a significant hole in my life somewhere. As hard as I've been working and as much as I feel I've done over this summer it all just feels empty in some sort of fundemental way. Like a soufflee, sweet on the outside but inside it's got a lot of hot air.

I realised this mostly because of a conversation I had with Jeff a week ago. It was frustrating because he has criticized me for YEARS for not DOING enough stuff, not getting out there enough, and now I'm doing a lot of stuff and he says I don't have enough time to myself.

Gee....thanks. However, despite his mixed messaging cryptic snooty comments I do think there's a point buried there, which is both that there's no absolute activity level that's right for me and that I need to base how much I should do on how I feel.

The thing is that I don't FEEL like more free time would really be a boon to me right now. I feel like it would be just more time to waste doing nothing worthwhile.

Yet I don't feel satisfied. I NEVER feel satisfied. I'm starting to wonder what it would take. The most obvious glaring hole in my life is social. I don't have (m)any close friends and I just don't DO all that much with people. It's definitly true that I need to go out there and find some people I can actually relate to, although it's questionable whether or not those people actually exist.

Of course in the back of my mind there's always that taunt that Jeff used many times in semi-jest that all I need to do to find happiness in life is get a blowjob.

That idea is pretty terrifying. No, not because I have recurrent dreams of braces getting hooked on my foreskin (I'm a Jew so I don't even HAVE a foreskin!) but because the whole idea of relationships is pretty damned scary.

The thing is, I've been successful over the past 1.5 years or so because I finally decided to tap into my strength and just push ahead ahead ahead with no thought of going backward and no give. In school I've forced myself to the finish line semester after semester willing myself to get assignments done and get my ass into a seat in class every single time. It's worked well. When there's 5 hours left before the deadline for your final paper and you haven't really started it you NEED willpower and strength to buckle down and get it done. When you don't know the answer to a test it takes something to put down your best guess and just leave it there without changing it, which you know is likely to be a mistake.

The same thing with my weight. I willed myself to push on the bike, not to eat crap (at least until this summer, but that will start again probably after the summer session ends) and to drop the pounds.

A perfect metaphor for the last couple years happened yesterday when a spoke broke on the back wheel of my bike taking the wheel off true and causing the wheel to rub up against the back brake. Charles noticed this as we were heading up the biggest hill in the park and said we should check it out at the top. Well even with the brake engaged I powered my way up that hill without thought of caving in. My legs were burning and my breath ragged but I never thought of stopping and in fact towards the top I even picked up speed as I willed myself to push even harder. (Spoke was fixed easily that same day at the bike shop BTW) Of course there is a flip side to that story, which is that I probably broke the spoke in the first place by pushing so damned hard all the time, but that's not what's important at the moment. What's important is that to get up that hill all I needed was physical strength and willpower. I have good physical and intellectual strength and recently I've found myself to have an almost unlimited supply of willpower.

The thing is, none of that counts for jack shit when it comes to relationships. It's not about powering your way through a difficult essay test or up a steep hill or through a clump of linebackers. This morning I saw a John Wayne movie called "The Quiet Man." It's basically about the romance between the John Wayne character and the Maureen O'Hara character. In the climax John Wayne walks to the train station, drags her ass out of the train and literally drags her 5 miles back to their town where he proceeds to beat the living shit out of her brother. Along the way a nice old lady offers him a stick to beat her with but he throws it away because he's John Fucking Wayne and if he wants to beat his wife he doesn't need a god damned stick. Anyway he drags her five miles and beats the crap out of her brother and she responds by going back to their cabin to cook dinner and clean for him (and to eventually bear his children.) The review in the Times TV section says "Anyone who can watch John Ford's loveable film The Quiet Man and not yearn to book an immediate flight to Ireland is a hopeless unromantic." It is quite an appealing romance but it got me thinking about just how unrealistic it is in a modern world.

Unfortunatly in 2002 kicking someone's ass is not going to make your dream girl love you, or stay with you. Things are complicated and that is scary. Relationships are about putting trust into another person and in fact giving UP control and power. Women betray, women lie, women walk away for no reason at all except that they're feeling fucked up and confused.

Any good relationship is by definition out of your control. How fucked up is that?

I want no part of it. So it terrifies me that it might be what I need. I hope it's not. I may be better prepared for a relationship physically (what with getting rid of my double chin and all) but emotionally I definitly am not.

For the time being I can just power my way through this shit. I can get work done without motivation and I can resist any inclinations I have that I don't like intellectually.

Eventually I'll probably have to ponder this again though. I'm not looking foward to that.
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