August 2nd, 2002


Florescent Flair, Caffeine lights. It's furious balancing.

You know, sometimes I forget that my pessimistic view of the world isn't the only possible interpretation of what's going "down" (as the homeslices say.) Today at work was much better than yesterday. I had stuff to do the whole time and got to start another data organization project. In addition we did some recording today which is an experimental thing I can do by myself. I'm going to sieze the bull by the horns and offer to do the whole damned thing myself the next time we record. Also, I was reminded that my lack of work might be due to my supervisors' lack of organization and generally harried state. She forgot we had an experiment today and we ended up having to sneak into the experiment room when someone else was using it and get our data like thieves in the night. Was actually kind of fun.

That, however, wasn't the part of the day that made me think I might have misinterpreted things yesterday. I was talking to the head of the department today, offering to show him the new method of recording data, when he asked how much longer I'd be staying on. I told him I'd like to stay through most of august but I thought my funding might be done by the eigth. He offered to take me on on his grant and said what a great help I'd been to the lab and how useful having an innovative involved thinker as a lab tech was. He's not the type to make false compliments either, much more the very competant no bullshit "If the function doesn't exist I'll WRITE it god damn it" type of department head than the politicer. I really appreciated what he said and the offer to fund me even DURING my independant study.

So I guess this turned out to be a decent week after all even if I was somewhat crabby and had a tough time getting my two tests done. I did well in school, haven't blown things at work yet, and tomorrow I'm gonna ride my bicycle (I'm also slowly getting back to eating better.)

I still feel like the world will never be mine unless I go against my nature and FORCE opportunity. I don't like that one bit. I'm much more the "wait back and let the opportunity come to me" type and I hate that that just doesn't work.

I NEED to make something of myself. Most people find their life's meaning in their relationships and family but I know that's just not going to happen for me so I need to make my mark somewhere else. Be it science law or another field altogether I NEED to leave some sort of "I wuz here" mark upon the world, just to feel like my existance wasn't a PURE waste of space and other resources.

Still, at least I don't feel so bad about this summer. It was my first job and I did at least decently. Now if only I can find a way to use the last 3 or so weeks to EXCEL.
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