August 6th, 2002


Drink my worries down the drain and fly away to somewhere new

I'm starting to realize just how dessolate my life has become these days. There are so many small things that I just don't have time to do these days and it is really starting to gnaw at me. It's not just little things (like not being able to watch any anime or write long journal entries) either, it's huge sweeping parts of who I am that have to be brushed aside for the sake of expediency. For example, my personality for quite a long time has been that I'm an asshole with a heart of gold. I'm very brash and straightforward but I can also be oh so sweet and understanding when neccesary. It works well for me, allowing me to keep people far away at arm's length without feeling guilty about it. The thing is, I no longer have time for a heart of gold. Who has time to listen to other people's problems and offer sollutions when you've always got homework or WORK work to get finished?

I feel bad about that. I'm usually a pretty good comforter but recently....well...I've just been a big jerk.

It's not just that though. I've also been laboring under a profound feeling of hopelessness, probably brought on by the fact that I don't have time for everything I want to do and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am literally hopeless in that I have no long term hopes. It's depressing because there's a good chance that I'm just spinning my wheels by doing all this stuff, not advancing in any worthwhile direction. Where the hell would I want to go anyway? Law? Law enforcement? Psychology? Other science? Medicine? Writing?

One life's not enough for all of that.

For now all I have to do is survive and get stuff done and in a few weeks I'll be relaxing by the lake in (sorta) sunny Maine, my only immediate trouble being whether I want to go kayaking, biking, or read/play XBox first. Still, there's gotta be something more than that in the long run right? And I just don't know what I want that to be. It vexes me. I think that this is a real problem with discarding the idea of a personal life without first selecting a profession you want to pursue. It leaves you truly directionless.

School's going okay. My Spanish professor said that a B+ was the highest grade on the composition and I got an A-, which I get to revise and raise even higher. I have another one due tomorrow and it's already pretty late but I figure I'll get it done. I always do.

I just don't know what the point of any of it is anymore.

These days I'm even questioning whether it's worth it to be ambitious. Everyone who strives tends to end up selling something out to get what they want.

Is the price of self-fulfillment too high to pay for high achievement?

I didn't used to think so.
  • Current Music
    Counting Crows - Hard Candy