September 29th, 2002


I look good in the toxic raparound

Yesterday I had my first actually pleasant clothes shopping experience. I am going to my cousin who I haven't seen in many, many years' wedding next month and I needed to purchase proper attire for the event since I don't think he'd appreciate it if I showed up at the Princeton Club in my "Two beers or not two beers" shirt (Although I don't KNOW whether he'd appreciate it or not seeing as I haven't seen him in a decade and when I last saw him he was like 14 or something and now he's getting married. At the Princeton club of all places. Hisss.) Anyway this store was perfect. It was filled with rows and rows of very nice clothes, and a distinct lack of pushy salespeople. The guy who helped me was a manager of some type and his idea of helping was taking some quick measurements and then pointing to the areas where the appropriatly sized clothes were, and grabbing some stuff that he thought would suit me well. As it happened the clothes he picked were quite nice so I didn't bother looking for any more. They were also incredibly cheap. Apparently this store puts the money it would normally spend on incredibly annoying pushy salespeople, chicks who spray cologne at you, and enough floorspace to make finding anything you want an exercise in frustration, into offering steep discounts (Of 40-60%) on all its clothes. It was a blissful shopping experience. That's all I ask in a store...discounts and time alone to browse and select the merchandise I like without being hovered over just becuase I'm white and have a platinum card, as well as salespeople who WILL help when asked to and then go away when they are done.

If more stores were like that then I think this world would be a much, much better place.

Of course the trip home wasn't even close to as convenient since the New York Subway system is a broken piece of shit these days (come to think of it on the way there a train was closed for apparently no reason so I had to take a cab for half the distance) I had to wait on the platform for an hour until I could catch my train, and even missed a train because I thought it wouldn't take me to my transfer because it didn't used to but since they changed the names of all the trains now it does.

Friday and yesterday were wasted but that's okay since I don't have much work this week and it's a short week anyway. It'll be alright. I'll get some done today.

Of course today can't start yet because my mother brought home her most horrible friend (an incredibly unpleasant little woman) to stay the night last night so I am in hiding...but eventually it will and I will get some work done. I don't have an assignment for Millenial futures Japan this week which is definitly good...and since the professor feels I participate too much ANYWAY if I don't do the reading and don't say anything that'll probably reflect well on me.

At some point today I will probably post either my speech for "Resolved: Women have no souls." which I intend to be both funny and incredibly offensive, or something more about the way I'm thinking these days which to be honest isn't very good. For now though I need to go watch some pregame stuff on the Giants. If they win today they're 3-1 and you can start seriously thinking about a playoff run for them...even this early.
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    REM - New Adventures in Hi Fi

The fans get up and they get out of town.

....And the Giants dump an easy one to the Arizona Cardinals 21-7. It was all set up by what has GOT to be the worst play call in all of football history. 14 seconds on the clock, ball on their own 40 or so in the first half them up 7-0. Sean Payton calls a pass in the flat...pick...TD Arizona...all momentum gone....kersplat.


The Jets got crushed too, but that was expected. The Giants though...this erases what they did in Saint Louis and puts them on track for the 7-9 season they were predicted to have.

A pass to the flat with 14 seconds left in the half while UP by 7. Jim Fassel makes well over a million dollars a year. After that call he should have to give a good portion of it. Of course there were other mistakes, like Michael Strahan's roughing the Quarterback after a third down incompletion, or the Ref's call of a nonexistant holding call on Mike Rosenthal that brought back a TD pass when the score was still tied.

Actually I have no idea what inspired THAT call. Rosenthal didn't come close to holding him. What was the ref thinking?

Ref: HOLDING! 10 yard penalty!
Mike Rosenthal: What did I do? My hands were inside the pads and after he went to the floor I even jumped back and raised them in the air.
Ref: Excuse me but it looked like you were trying to PREVENT him from sacking the Quarterback. That doesn't seem very sporting. 10 yard penalty. I'm the biggest idiot in the world.

Fucking spectator sports. So frustrating when your team loses and there's not a damned thing you can do about it. I think that's why my father didn't like them much. It's so hard to lose without even getting a chance to play.

I'm feeling okay right now but it won't last. I've been trying to be honest with myself but it hasn't been working. I'm not one hundred percent sure why it hasn't been working but I have some theories.

The thing is that while in all honesty there's a lot of stuff I need to work on there's also a lot of stuff that's just plain unfair in my life and it's hellishly difficult to sort things out between the two aspects...and even tougher to take a healthy approach to the first with the second weighing me down.

How do you balance the need to actually get work done with the knowledge that the work is utter bullshit and nobody will know if you don't do it? How do you maintain longterm discipline and still handle the daily shit that is shoveled on you from a hostile and stupid world?

I don't know. I can't be honest because it would be devastating on too many levels.

But I can't keep lying either. It's like some sort of existential crisis. The equivalent of being on the top floor of a burning building that sits on the edge of a cliff. Do you jump off the edge and hope that you miraculously survive the fall or do you just stand on the top and pray for rain?

I can't answer that.

Living for the moment can be pleasant but I'm moving too fast and there are too many upcoming brick walls. Life doesn't slow down so you can live it.

I'm hanging on alright for now. I have things basically under control and there's no massive crisis on the horizon. Just piles and piles of little things that keep building and nowhere a release for the pressure.

I continue treading water as the air grows ever thinner in the pocket where I rest. Pretty soon it will be sink or swim. I don't know if I remember how to swim.

I did look decent in the clothes I bought yesterday.

Small favors in a harsh world.
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