October 1st, 2002


Nobody hears this song.

Yesterday was a blur of a day and for that I am thankful. When I'm tired the edge is taken off the world and it sort of slides gently by instead of chugging painfully along and digging its painful sharp edges into my psyche. Of course being tired is its own irritation but I'm trying to accentuate the positive and on this short week getting through one of the days relatively easily is a pretty substantial positive.

Nothing particularly interesting happened yesterday except that I actually did ALL the reading for my CC class and I'm slowly becoming convinced that either my teacher's lack of English knowledge is impeding her expression of ideas or that she just isn't very good.

Also my new K-Swiss shoes I got that are white and shiny and not full of hole (as compared to my other shoes) hurt my feet like that's what they were designed to do. Towards the end of the day it felt like I was trudging around with my toes caught in a bear trap...which is not generally a comfortable feeling. Strangly, though, I enjoyed it because it was physical pain and THAT'S something I can understand and fight through. Walking through foot pain is as simple as putting one foot in front of the other and just ignoring the sensations that doing so generates. It's simple and immediate. Compared to all the problems I am faced with that either don't make sense or have knowable solutions something involving simple pain was actually enjoyable.

I had a similar experience in the morning when I was riding my bike and I underestimated the size of a curb (it was like 8 inches) and took it too hard. I slammed down pretty roughly and my chain disengaged, and got stuck in the pedal (Yes…it was THAT jarring an impact.) While normally this would be a cause for irritation or even anger I immediately felt relaxation as a respone because I suddenly had a problem in front of me that was immediately soluble. Sure it took five minutes of coaxing and pulling to free the chain, and yeah my hands got covered in grease, but it didn't matter. I was able to just deal with a single issue right in front of my nose and it felt really good.

I don't know what to do with those experiences. The fact of the matter is that the world doesn't function in such a way that you can just do what you have to do and get along in life. Instead it's a constant battle to even figure out what it is you need to get done, and often there is no clear cut answer to that question but instead just a constantly growing pile of competing interests and neccesities and no guide as to what to start first or focus on.

All I know is that it feels good to have focus and direction even if only for a short time and in a limited way. Problems that can be overcome through sheer effort are much more managable than those which can't even be understood.
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