October 5th, 2002


I'm here to knock you down.

It's been an okay couple of days. A few interesting things have happened and I think I've made a pretty important decision regarding how I'm going to approach life, at least for now.

Thursday was fairly uneventful, except for some schedule juggling that was fairly irritating. I also read an article about cheating on campus, and how widely accepted it is, which I already knew but helped me to formulate a change in attitude that I think is going to help me regain control over my self. That change in philosophy can best be summed up as follows.

"Fuck You."

Not you specifically, if anyone is actually reading this, but rather the collective "you" that makes up or sad excuse for a society. You see, I've been pondering what's caused my recent loss of emotional control and I've come up with what I think is at least a significant part of the answer…I'd begun to actually worry about socializing and connecting with other people. The fact that I have not been successful at these things had been bothering me. I got rejected from Mock Trial, unfairly in my opinion, had a couple people not respond to my email or offers, and started to feel alienated. Fuck that. I don't need the approval of bunch of corrupt immoral savages to fuel my sense of self worth and purpose. Time and time again it has been proven to me that there is nobody out there who I can rely on except me. I am alone and I just have to suck it up and learn to deal with it, because every time I start to attempt connection it just leaves me exposed and vulnerable and serves no productive purposes. I'm tired of people telling me I need more friends…or a girlfriend…or anyone. I'm tired of believing them when they say that all you have to do is put yourself out there. It simply isn't true, maybe for other people it is, but for me it isn't and I need to accept that, build the defenses and inner strength neccesary for living alone, and move on with my goddamned life. I can survive alone…I've learned that lesson well over the past 8.5 years…and I guess it's just what I was designed for. I'm not the type of person who has friends or gets along with people or any of that. I'm the outsider who can impress and even dazzle at times but never be a part of the group. Oh well…that's a role I'll have to embrace and deal with. There's nothing of great importance wrong with me…I don't need to accept other people's judgement that I am too flawed to deal with. I can't afford to worry about what they think, and I can't afford to allow myself to care.

That brings me to the other thing I did on Thursday. I went to Philo to offer my humorously constructed little speech. When I got there it turned out we had lost our usual room so I spent about half an hour trying to gather a contingent of Philo men to "roust" the invaders. It got a couple laughs but mostly people were being irritable and silly.

Eventually we settled into the standby room and the meeting commenced. It was somewhat lame but I finally did get to say what I wanted to say…the text of which is reconstructed from memory at the bottom of this entry. I got pretty much the reaction I wanted. A lot of laughs from the guys and a lot of glares from the girls. I even pulled off my arrogant opening, which was to give the censor a pad of paper and a pen so that she might rip into me all she wanted. She didn't take the hint though and I think that it even softened her reaction because it was seen as a gift. Pity.

I did a good enough job of pissing people off that the moderator felt the need to rip into me for about 5 minutes about my scientifically inaccurate model of menstruation. I tried to reply that I had argued the week before that Dolphins were a mineral and was being faceitious in my statements but she wasn't hearing any of it. She did manage to say directly to me "I still like you, you're a nice person" during her diatribe which served no purpose but to irritate me. I don't need random patronizing reassurances from strangers that they still like me even though I made some jokes about menstruation. I don't feel bad about what I said…it was intended in the same spirit that "Dolphins are a mineral" was…which is to say a NOT scientifically accurate spirit. The rest of the meeting went fairly uneventfully, although I haven't mentioned the incredibly self centered girl who started off the meeting talking about all the things she wanted from the club and why we should give them to her because she was so very great.

I went home as soon as the thing ended because I had a 9 AM class on Friday.

Friday was pretty relaxed. I had that class which was alright but not particularly good or bad, and then I went to the tailor to get some pants shortened and went to my handyman's retirement party, which was extraordinarily awkward but otherwise okay. He's a great little guy, and it's sad to see him retire after 35 years. I asked him what he was looking forward to most in his retirement and he said that he was already bored and looking for new things to do. Oh well. Talked to a lot of old women who seemed to all know me from somewhere.

Nothing has happened today. I need to get work done but I probably won't. I've also developed a bit of a more relaxed attitude to school along with my new "fuck you" philosophy. No point in stressing about how my study habits LOOK to other people. I'll just do what I have to like everybody else.

Behind the link below is the text of what I said at Philo. It was funnier when spoken than when written and it's a little different from what the actual text was because I don't remember exactly what I said. It's offensive but sort of funny I think. Just the way I wanted it. I'll probably only make one more appearance at that club, since I agreed to speak next week and I always honor my commitments, or at least ALMOST always. After that who knows. The moderator doesn't like me and I don't want to get in her hair…plus the rest of the people don't have much affection for me either. Maybe it's best to bow out gracefully and commence turning more and more bitter and hostile…like a fine wine.

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