October 25th, 2002


Living things without a friend of mine.

The crush of mid-terms has finally ended and I'm back to feeling listless. I have to admit that despite the crushing stress and incredible inanity of the mid-term rush I was distracted from the woeful emptiness of my life by having it filled with hoops to jump through. Yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds but at least it's honest.

Wednesday was pretty crappy. I felt like shit for most of the day and had an irritating time getting my work done. I did get my Japanese Anthro thing finished even though it was complete crap.

By the time my CC midterm rolled around I felt drained and disgruntled, but I managed to leave the house early so I would get there on time. On the way to the test I ran across my high school aquaintance who was in my Foreign Policy class. He told me that he had dropped because the midterm was just too much of a pain in the ass to bother with, so I guess that's just one more class I'll be nice and alone in.

After I finished talking to him I went and got some coffee so I could stay awake during the test. It's the second time I've done this this semester, which is very strange for me. I think I'm starting to enjoy coffee.

The test was unpleasant. I didn't know the IDs although I got most of them right by knowing the concepts. Most people didn't know them either.

I have no idea how my essay went. I wrote the longest of everyone and tried to do the best I could but I just wasn't thinking right. Been that way this whole semester. I'm starting to think that I'm cycling back into a deeper depression and I'm honestly not 100% sure. Nothing dramatic has changed in my life over the last few months. My mood shouldn't be freefalling like it is. I have no idea what to do about it either...I wish I could at least understand what was happening.

After the bad test I went to the new interest meeting for the Golden Key society. It had 27 pizzas for about 23 attendees which I found amusing. I talked to an interesting guy whose name I forget. This is his last year in the 3-2 CC Fu double program. He took a pizza.

After the meeting I went for a brief walk presumably to find a videogame but really more to clear my head. I came home empty of hand and heart...feeling increadibly down.

My sleep last night was marred by a nightmare. I dreamed I was with a guy I knew from elementary school, Michael L to be precise, and he told me that he had come into some money and a space alien was trying to take it from him. Not only that but he himself was actually an alien and had to be taught how to blend in with earthfolk. The dream was rather fractured and not all that coherent but it was definitly frightening and although in it I was cool and collected, helping him escape the evil guy and maintaining poise in the face of extreme danger, when I awoke I was a little rattled.

Today's classes were boring in the extreme, especially comparative politics which I would drop if the drop date hadn't passed long ago. I talked to Dave (whose REAL name is Dan) and Justin but not about anything substantive and other than that I kept to myself. I got my comparative politics test back and got an A- which is far higher than I deserved but whatever. I should start my paper for that class but I have no initiative right now.

Philo was geezer night (where old members return to relive their youths) and generally stank because the resolution was bad. My speech was ill-recieved even though I thought it was at least somewhat funny. It's not a big deal though. I volunteered to write something for next time so that's yet another thing I have to do, but I did resolve to start writing again and now's as good a time as any since midterms are finally done.

The club went drinking after it disbanded but I came home. I can't stand drinking.

I'll probably quit it soon. I'm not enjoying it much, I'm not making friends, I'm just annoying people and would be better advised to stay home and out of everyone else's way.

Frankly I feel despondent in a way that I haven't in a long time. It's not just that my life is shitty...I'm used to that at this point. It's that I've really started to give up hope that it will ever change. Even among the dorks and the outcasts people don't get me...they can be amused by me, impressed by me, even affected by my insight, but at the end of the day I'm just an odd duck to be avoided unless something specific is desired.

I don't have any particular community or group I belong to, I don't even have a drug habit or alcoholism I could share. I'm constantly being told to scale back my expectations for my professional life so I'm left with...nothing.

It's not that I expect to be loved or liked or any of that...it's not even that I neccesarily want it...it's just that I feel utterly useless these days. My grades aren't even that great since I can't concentrate or think like I am normally able to.

Once again I'm not looking for sympathy because sympathy is meaningless. Pity is just insulting. I just can't deny what I am feeling and I am hesitant to put it up because I don't want people feeling sorry for me. Different people have different gifts. I am well aware that I have certain natural talents that many people would like to have and be willing to sacrifice quite a lot for. My problem is that I just can't seem to find an anchor in the storm of this world and without that everything else just starts to look like icing on a non-existant cake.
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