November 11th, 2002

pod

Just out of sight.

My uncle died today.

My cousin called me in the middle of my favorite television show, Curb your Enthusiasm, to tell me and to get my Aunt's number in Oregon. It was a Larry David like experience where my Orthodox Jewish cousin was talking to me trying to get my Aunt's number and I just wanted to watch the TV and I was looking up the number and trying to listen to the TV and...well...considering that Curb just did an episode about a relative dying I found it pretty strange and even slightly amusing despite the gravity of the situation.

After the show I called my Aunt and tried to offer my clumsy condolances. The truth is that the event shook me more than I'd like to admit. I didn't like my uncle, he was an asshole and I've been expecting this call for awhile, but it was still jarring to hear it and it of course brought back old feelings and thoughts, even more so because it's Juxtaposed with a lecture that will be given in my Father's honor tomorrow...or rather today if you count the day as starting at midnight.

I feel very strange. I'm tired and sad and I don't want to go to sleep or school or anything.

Frankly I've been out of sorts for a long time now. This semester just hasn't clicked for me. I keep feeling like I should be doing something else, living another life. Like school is just not where I am at in my life right now. I have a deep seeded wanderlust and it's all I can do to keep attending classes and do what I need to do to keep my head above water. I have no interest in attending right now...I need to get SOME sort of motivation before next semester.

I haven't gotten much in the way of work done over the weekend and I am officially in deep shit regarding that. I intend to dig myself out but it will take more than a little bit of hunkering and I don't know how much I have in me.

If this is the best life has to offer I want a refund.
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    Counting Crows - Hard Candy