November 30th, 2002


In your head, Zombie

I'd like to start with a Livejournal based preface:

A bunch of people have been adding me as a "friend" recently for no reason and it hasn't really been a big deal, although I must admit that when people add and then don't make any comments or even contact you in any way it does get a little creepy in that "stranger starring at you from across the street for no reason" way. However while I welcome criticism and disagreement I would ask that if you've decided to come into my personal space you be at least semi-respectful and somewhat reasonable in saying whatever it is you feel the need to communicate. I don't add people as friends without being added first (Yes...there are the two exceptions of someone I know in real life who was reading my journal long before he had one and a weird british lady who was doing the same) so if you decided to add me you made the choice of your own accord and all I ask is that you give a modicum of respect. If you find me repulsive or even uninteresting feel FREE to drop me, I encourage that wholeheartedly and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Now on to what I actually have to say.

I haven't written for quite awhile because I've been sick and depressed, not to mention stressed out over all the work that I haven't been able to do. This was NOT a good time to get ill.

I figure I should write something up though, especially since my recent silence has apparently given people the idea that I am not only illin' but aged. That's right, today I got my first Viagra substitute snail mail. Now I'm used to all this herbal erection email crap, and I don't take offense at it since everyone from priests to cootie-having girls get it regularly. The snail mail version is another story.

Why am I, at twenty years old, a target for erectile dysfunction medicine? I want to take this opportunity to assure all and sundry that there's nothing wrong THERE, I'm not scoring because women hate me and I'm not too fond of them, not because of defective equipment. Yeesh.

I'm still feeling like crap and I still have a ton to do. I managed to get my stupid CC essay done (poorly) yesterday but my massive Poli-Sci paper remains unfinished, and is due in three days (almost to the hour.) This would not be such a problem if I had my head about me, but I don't and no matter what combination of pills I down I can't get my noggin cleared. I feel two steps removed from reality...almost as if I'm in a dream state. I'm not as sick as I was before, just mentally clouded (whereas yesterday I was somewhat mentally clear and physically felt like shit treated unkindly by a backhoe.) I don't know...this just hasn't been a good semester for me and it's ending in the same way it played out. I can't do anything but ride it out and try to do the best I can to salvage what can be salvaged. In some ways it's actually a relief to know I'm not going to do very well. A guy I knew from high school called me last night while I was writing my paper and as I was talking to him I almost felt like my old self. We were just bullshiting...chatting about nothing and cracking up about the stuff that not quite grown-up males are wont to crack up about (The lines "Your dad is all about dressing up as your girlfriend and screwing you" and "All my life I've been looking for a man who could appreciate David Spade's greatest cinematic hour and now that I've found him I can't let him go" did very well) and it was actually a good time. I was enjoying myself just kicking back and talking shit and not worrying about all the pressure I'm under or anything else.

Doing poorly this semester, mostly for reasons beyond my control, has made me devalue grades in school which was something I desperatly needed to do. I've been far too closely focused on performance for awhile and it's time to step back, re-evaluate, and take this opportunity to re-establish who I am because the more driven towards the pathway of convention I get the less I like who I become.

It's not that I want to regress per se, I mean believe it or not I actually feel comfortable with the more conservative politics I've adopted recently (And I'd like to state for the record that I voted straight down the democrat line except for governor in the last election because as fucked up as the Dems are the Republicans are about three times as nasty and half as inspired) and I am not likely to alter my opinion of the facepainting highheels without some actual reasons to do so...but I've become nasty in a way that I didn't used to be and I've stopped being thoughtful or contemplative in the way that I used to. It's damaged my creativity and my personality and it's just made things ugly. I am going to reclaim some of my innocence and maybe shed a little cynacism and see what develops. It feels right at this point.

A random list of events from my life

-On Thanksgiving I dragged my sick and EXHAUSTED ass down to a cafe at 13th street to eat an overpriced thanksgiving dinner with my mother and a Political Science professor who splits his time between Rutgers and Germany. It was one of those life experiences that you can't quite get a grip on because it straddles mundane and bizzare. Sitting in a fancy restaurant eating overpriced food and discussing whether the United Nations is irrelevant all while surpressing the urge to upchuck. You can't buy memories like that.

-I watched Chasing Amy and Training Day and wondered about the inconsistancies of hollyowod.

-I saw part of Glitter on cable TV and tried to decide whether it was heartening to know that people with so little talent could get their movie made (because it means that there might be opportunity for those with even remote hints of talent to step in and provide future content) or depressing to think that the overclass gets the benefit of the doubt to the point of financial suicide of their backers because they just don't see how Mariah Carrey could fail, even when it was right in front of them.

-I was told that the band manager from last year's "very special Lesbian thanksgiving" asked whether I would be attending again and was disapointed that I wasn't going to be. I have no idea where to file information like this so I'm putting it here and forgetting it.

-I went to class incredibly sick and got sent home and given an extention for my CC paper that was probably, in retrospect, more of a disadvantage than a boon.

-The Giants lost to Housten in a game that made me throw up my hands in disgust and write off the season, while the Jets beat the bills in a game that included the most hilarious play of the season, a Chad Pennington ankle breaker performed in what looked like slow motion because Chad runs like a tree.

- I did a terrible job on my first poli-sci paper but I did get it in so we'll see how that goes.

-I've fallen in love with Ratchet and Clank and eschewed the violence of vice city for something more wholesome and I don't know why. (A lot of entertainment stuff because I've been sick and trying to amuse myself while my head has gone from helter to skelter and back to helter again.)
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