December 12th, 2002


A three year trip on the dragon, until the clinic had to get me clean

Well it looks like I've survived without any major collapses. I mean it's possible that I'll not get it together for one of my finals but I doubt it. I tend to do fine without studying and I've got a group for my most study intensive class that'll make sure I get at least SOME reading done.

I feel incredibly unfulfilled though. I'm just going through the motions because it seems like the thing to do, but this just doesn't seem to be working anymore. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm thinking of just cutting way back on school and only taking like 14 credits next semester, just the classes I need, to give myself a chance to breathe. On the other hand I'm worried that I'll feel underwhelmed and be bored and get depressed. To be honest I'm even thinking about doing something crazy like dropping a major, taking a bunch of classes purely based on whether they look fun and interesting, and just living it up. But I probably won't because I do want to do these majors and I can do that senior year if I want. I just have this ONE last semester to get through and I'm basically home free with the two majors I want and a love of Rock and Roll that penetrates down to my soul.

Okay that last part was just added because it ryhmes. But it really does ryhme.

I don't know...maybe school doesn't have any answers for me. There are other areas that I want to explore that will require equal amounts of work, so cutting back on the classroom effort might be a good idea. On the other hand it may just be how easy and lame my coursework has been. I've felt uninspired all semester and I want some damned challenge for once. I know that the humanities etc... are supposed to be easier and for me they are...but I don't know how interested I am in the hard sciences. I'm pretty sure that if I wanted to do pre-med or whatever I could but I just don't find it appealing and it creates this connundrum where the work I'm doing is too easy and silly to be satisfying while the alternative work is just drudgery and stupidity.

I can't wait to get the hell out of school and into the real world where there are no caps on performance.

I guess I just feel frustrated, boxed in, anxious, restless, and have this deep yearning that isn't being satisfied at all. I have a feeling I won't find the answers in a poli-sci classroom or at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. At least I still have my imagination and music. They've seen me through some hard times and will probably suffice to see me through some more. I just wish the hard times would take a breather already...I mean isn't the whole point of the light at the end of the tunnel that there's an END of a tunnel not just a fucking lightbulb in an endless tube of concrete.
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