December 20th, 2002


I wore my doormat face

I'm not sure how I would go about describing the last couple of days. They resemble nothing so much as a long hard trek across a swampy marsh that ends with you reaching dry land only to discover you're right back where you started from. It was just the sort of finals week I promised myself I would never have again.

Monday was my American Foreign Policy final and I thought it went pretty well. I did manage to skim through the reading before it and was able to incorporate the information into the test. After the final I had no time to think about how I did though because I had to start studying for comparative. That test probably sucked a good 20 hours of my time and when I took it tuesday morning at 9 AM I did not feel confident at all. I probably did alright but it was just too much material and a badly designed test.

There was no rest for the weary that day since I had to immediatly head home and start reading for my take-home test. I actually finished the 400 page novel that night (It was just a good book and the alternative to reading it was studying psychology so I convinced myself that I had to read the whole thing rather than use my usual technique of getting a feel for it through 50 pages, which probably would have worked).

Wednesday I wrote the damn paper and it was okay, nothing great because I didn't have a lot of time and I was already pretty fried, but passable. 16 pages of text in one stretch from 9 AM to 4 PM, with a little more reading of other material in between. Not exactly great times.

Of course my wednesday was far from over. After I handed the paper(s) in I actually let myself have a touch of downtime, although I did a bit of studying for psych I actually watched Talk of Our Town (Sports talk, nice and light and soothing to the mind) for an hour and a half. After that it was study for an hour, then go to my professor's house to read my CC exam to her.

I had made a couple minor mistakes I had to explain but overall she appeared to really like it. She said I was getting the first A+ she had ever given (I'm not sure if it was for the exam or the class, although an A+ on the exam would probably give me an A in the class anyway) then she started gushing about how I should be in Poli-Sci and not "waste my life on psychology" as she put it. I didn't know quite what to say, so I told her I was considering it and agreed to seek out a professor she suggested as offering a good blend between the two disciplines. I didn't really know what else to say, those situations just make me SO uncomfortable. Part of me likes the idea of political theory as a great exercise in mental gymnastics and pondering but part of me feels that it'd just be such a waste of time. Locke, Hobbes, and the rest all wrote their books but none of them succeeded in shaping society to their visions and although some of the impact they had was good other parts of it has been just terrible.

Karl Marx sat around pondering the nature of capital and politics and his thinking lead almost directly to the slaughter of millions of people. That sort of stuff worries me.

After that lovely little jolt of ego-boost/pressure inducing expectations, I headed out to the library to study for psych. I didn't do nearly the studying that I'd hoped to because at that point the week was getting to me, but I did enough so that after a few hours sleep and another 2 hours of book hitting in the morning I went to the test fairly well prepared. I think I did well on it, although I was so tired during the test that I might have totally misjudged. I'll find out today.

So now the semester's over. It looks like I will do at least fairly well in all my classes, although I can't be sure until the grades are actually up. It was quite anti-climactic though and I don't really feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. School is school and it's not really where my priorities need to be right now.

So I'm going to take the next few days until my birthday to relax and recover, let my sleep schedule return to something resembling normal and play some Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance, and then when I turn twenty-one I think I'm going to spend the day alone in quiet contemplation. Maybe I'll take in a film but I definitly have some thinking to do. I need to figure out what I want to do over the coming year and where I want my life to go since at this point I really have no idea.

It's time to start putting things back in order, new years resolutions are coming up and I need to figure out what this batch will be.
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I can't believe all the bullshit that I find.

I checked my grade on my psych final and I got a 97, which means one multiple choice wrong and a point off one of the essays. According to the grade sheet I ended up with an A+ in the class, although I didn't really deserve it based on my test scores. Either the professor wanted to give out two A+s (I DO have the second highest overall score in the class) or he liked my comments in class, which irritates me because I don't make them to get good grades but rather because I happen to have something to say. Anyway it bodes well for my semester GPA if this is in fact true (I'll believe it when it's on my transcript) and assuming that neither Comparative Politics nor American Foreign Policy downgrade me heavily for my finals I should do fine. I'm not so worried about Anthropology since I have a feeling she isn't one who gives out a lot of low grades, heck she said so herself.

On a more meaningful note I've decided that I no longer have the patience to listen to advice and criticism from people who make no effort to get to know me as a person or understand the positions I take. I need to make a concerted effort to find my own path and I've started to realize that too much of what I think is wrapped up in the suggestions or ideas of people who are imposing on me from their perspectives instead of trying to understand mine. When I give advice I try my best to step into the other person's shoes and give them suggestions consistant with their goals, abilities, and standards. I guess I always assumed that other people did the same but I've been thinking about various advice and suggestions I've been getting from LJ and other places and I don't think that's the case. Well I'm a special person (and I don't mean that in a sappy Dr. Phil everybody's special just because they're their own person way) and I have special needs and I'm not going to be shoehorned or pushed into a catagory or way of doing things just because other people think they work for the general population at large.

That ain't me.

I waver at times between isolating myself further and trying to engage other people and almost every time I try the latter I get burned. I'll stay open to opportunities but it's time for me to accept that all I honestly have is myself, and that's likely the way it'll be for the rest of my life. Some people have love and closeness and help and some people spend their lives alone and die the same way. Neither is inherently better, they're just different paths, and though one may be harder it is also freer and filled with more opportunity and possibility since consideration for other people and loved ones is often a massive constraint on what you can and cannot do.

I need to keep my focus inward, come to peace with my lot, figure out a direction I want to go, and just head off into the sunset. This procrastination isn't doing anybody any good and to tell the truth I grow tired of it.

Want to find a savior? Buy a fucking mirror.
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