February 23rd, 2004


Trying to find my way

Keeping on the subject of Bill Murray films, Groundhog Day is truly an underrated comedy classic. It is widely admired but always put in that second or third rung of comedy. While it lacks the heights of comedy that some of the classics reach (there is no scene that's the equivalent of the hysteria scene in The Producers or the holy hand grenade scene from Holy Grail) it also lacks lulls. In fact I think it may partially be the lack of lulls in Groundhog Day, along with some of the more dramatic elements, that have relegated it to second teir status. I don't know anyone who doesn't at least really like if not love the film.

I think I may be getting Senioritis. I haven't really been able to do much reading this semester and haven't even started my 12 page take home test that's due either on tuesday or wednesday. Now this isn't too unusual for me, granted, but it just feels worse right now. Maybe it's because I'm more focused and aware, so it's harder to push these sorts of things to the back of my mind.

I've also waned a bit in my confidence to be able to be successful. You know I've always considered myself someone of far above average ability in certain areas. I've been in elite academic institutions since I was 11 years old and although I haven't always gotten the best grades and I've never been the most popular I have always earned the respect of my peers and my instructors in at least an academic sense and have frequently been considered among the brightest. That doesn't mean all that much though, and if I wanted to actually pursue film making I'd end up being behind the curve. I feel over the hill and awkward as a 22 year old college student, imagine me being a 25 year old INTERN working alongside 18 year olds who would have more experience than me because they knew what they wanted to do when they were younger and had the confidence and/or stupidity to pursue it. I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be in that position and I don't know what they'd think of such a geyser in that type of position.

Throughout my life I've felt like I was behind some kind of schedule. Well that's not true, it's only since my father died that I've truly felt that way. I don't know why I have this schedule in my head, maybe it's a remnant of how hard he pushed me or all that he achieved or some other psychological malady that has me thinking in a rather stupid way.

I have always tended to overthink things and extrapolate much further into the future than is wise. I'm doing my best to restrain this tendency but it still crops up from time to time. I think creativity often has penalties like this, such as the number of artists who drink and drug or even commit suicide. Not that I'm an artist of any kind but I do think of myself of creative, and I still have trouble sleeping in an empty apartment. That's besides the point though.

I am hoping that I'll get into TFA and at least then I'll have something to focus on. Otherwise I'm in danger of catching senioritis and I can't afford to come down with that disease.
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They call me Free

I think I may be victorious, over my own traitorous mind. Today was discussion section day and although I had an actual physical reaction something akin to a minor panic attack as I neared the building I was able to stay focused and attentive for the entire hour. There was some residual introspection but in general things went very well. Oh frabjulous day, Coolah, Coolay! There was definitely some tension released in my chest as I went galumphing back home.

Today was actually not a terrible day to be me. My poli-sci class was pretty interesting and entertained me. Badminton was entertaining enough and my swing is better than it used to be. My history class was pretty great, as usual, and I introduced myself to the professor after class since he had known my father. He called my dad a great man, which was good for me to hear. It's not particularly rational to feel proud about those sorts of things, but then again humans aren't rational creatures.

Then came the class and my victory over my ownself. I'm glad that I was able to finally exercise the kind of self control and discipline usually reserved for people over the age of 17. I can't say that I won't miss the thrill of infatuation at least a little, but on another note I really don't want it to return. Frankly I don't even think that a schlub like me deserved to have feelings like that, even if you ignore the inconvenience and irritation it brought me. Nobody wants the eyes of a loser upon them.

I also have a bunch of pressures on me right now. I have 12 pages to write for film class by 6 PM wednesday and not a lot of time to do it because of things like the GED class I have to teach and a few other annoying sillynesses to deal with. I also find out if I got an interview for Teach for America tomorrow, and I'm a little worried. I wish I had written about my experience as a jury foreman rather than overcoming depression. That would have been a stronger essay.

It's time like these that I feel amazingly immature. I mean in certain ways I am well-rounded and responsible, but in others I feel like I'm just reaching the end of adolescence. It's frustrating. When I'm teaching in a classroom I can pass for 30 years old, and maintain excellent rapport with adults who are almost twice my age. In terms of my writing abilities (not displayed in this silly little journal) I am as good as many graduate students. On the other hand I have extreme social underdevelopment and I'm still living at home (though that will hopefully change by the fall.) It's frustrating.

I'll get my work done though and for better or worse see what happens with TFA. At least things are moving forward one way or another, and now I've gotten at least one monkey off my back. Why do monkeys love to seat themselves on backs so much? TREES! That is your natural monkey environment! In the jungle! Jungle trees.
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