I felt surprisingly empty yesterday. Normally there is some sort of serious emotional impact that comes with that day but yesterday...nothing. I was a little bit lonely but that's pretty normal for me. I was hungry but that comes with fasting. Otherwise I felt pretty okay, if not a little frustrated with my life at the moment.
I got a check plus plus on my journal for film class which is good. If I were a couple years younger and had more confidence I'd try to talk to my TA about finding some sort of opportunity for over the summer. She clearly has at least some level of respect for me, even if our professor doesn't, but he's a bit flakey in some ways.
I had a terrible headache all throughout yesterday due to low blood sugar. This bothers me because I've usually been okay when fasting, but it was really pounding and painful to the point where I wouldn't have been surprised to learn that my body was devouring its neurons for energy, if that were possible. I think I was slightly delirious for part of the day at least, although I didn't have any hallucinations or anything just a sense of detachement. I can't believe I made it through the GED class intact but it actually was a fairly decent session. Most of my students didn't do too well in science which either reflects poorly on me as a teacher or tells me that the science section was difficult this time. Of course they did worse on math, but that's to be expected.
Hiroshima Mon Amour is either a fairly brilliant film or a pretentious piece of crap, I am unsure. I did fall asleep during part of that but that could be at least partially a result of my fasting.
The last entry was written earlier but posted light for various reasons. All I have to say about today is that Frank and I filmed for about 3 hours and it was INCREDIBLE. I can't believe how wonderful it was setting up shots and carrying them out. None were perfect due to equipment issues but it was the most fun I've had in like forever. If I could do that for a living...well it wouldn't even feel like working it would feel like a non-stop daydream. I have found something that suits me in the same way that writing does, that just feels so easy and natural that I can't believe that anybody would actually pay me to do that. Even shooting the same sequence over and over was amazing just because we would get closer and closer to getting it right. I would have shot 40 or 50 versions of each shot if it hadn't been for time and equipment constraints.
This is what passion feels like. This is what desire feels like. All I want to do is get back out there with a camera and some people to work with, although I'm not sure the latter is really necessary. It was just an outstanding experience and I'm still coming down off that high.
I am such an idiot for not trying this sooner. I almost went to film school when I was like 18 but I backed out because I was too shy and too depressed. If I had gone I'd be like 4 years ahead of where I am now! 4 years. As it is I am too old to really have a decent shot at it but damn the consequences man you've gotta go for the brass ring at least once in your life before you settle into being an accountant or potato peeler right? Maybe with some instruction I'll turn out to be moderately talented or something. Maybe I'll get extraordinarily lucky and won't have to be :-P
In some ways I feel like film might be a SLIGHT cop out because who wouldn't love being behind the camera and managing everything that goes into shooting a flick? Who wouldn't love to spend a whole month in front of a computer screen shaping a story and polishing it until it is something beautiful? Match cutting, punching in, all the little crafty things that come together to produce art.
This is a case where love ins't enough because it's something anybody could love.
I have to try though. I'm not sure I have another choice.
I don't want to really believe it but it looks like we may be heading for another world war. Iraq has not only turned into a massive quagmire but it is setting off anti-western sentiment throughout the muslim world, which is not limited to the Middle East or Africa and Asia but includes wide swatches of European and even American society. The militias are growing in size and influence and we're going to need to start up new serious military action over the next few days. If the Saudis have a revolt or our Pakistani dictator buddy buys it we could soon find ourselves neck deep in a very special kind of dark and fragrant shit.
Of course a true world war is just the best case scenario. The west could easily whip the Islamic countries in a war right now, and even if China weighed in on their side (which it wouldn't since it routinely cracks down on Muslims) it would be a war we could win, even if we would probably have to sacrifice a generation of young men. Instead what's likely to happen is that all at once there's going to be a few big flashes and no more Washington DC, London, and Tokyo. The nuclear genie has long been out of the bottle but finally we have a large and dedicated group that doesn't give anything resembling a fuck about human life and would be more than willing to use it if given half a chance. They have started kidnapping civilians in Iraq and are threatening to burn some Japanese alive unless the government takes it's 550 non-combat personel out of the country.
I talked to Justin about this and he agrees that it's a fucking disaster. There's no good way to extricate ourselves from this that leaves the country stable and U.S. world reputation intact. We're pissing away superpower status and safety and for WHAT? The benefit of a few oligarchs?
Complex analysis is impossible at this point because so much is unknown. The only thing that's for sure is that shit has gone very very bad in a big way.
I got a letter today inviting me to join Phi Beta Kappa, and I must admit that I feel pretty good about that and also sort of guilty about feeling good because intellectually I dismiss such honors as rather arbitrary and mostly meaningless. There are Phi Beta Kappas out there doing horrible evil things, and there are probably some who aren't all that bright (there are certainly some out there who aren't as bright as non-PBKs.) I also secretly suspect that this is some kind of mistake. Maybe they didn't get the notice that I dropped out of the Poli-Sci honors program. Maybe they have me confused with someone else. There are 270 schools with chapters and 15000 members elected anually. That works out to 55.5 members elected per school. Even if Columbia is granted a larger alotment than that I still don't know if my GPA is high enough to put me in that group and I don't have anything else going that would help me get in (although I assume it's purely a GPA cut off thing.) Maybe some other people declined to join and I was like an alternate. Who knows. I wouldn't be surprised if the offer were rescinded and I feel pretty bad for liking the fact that it was made in the first place.
I managed to work "Boston Porn Party" into a class today, in reference to the more famous tea party that took place in that very town. Now THERE'S an achievement I can rest my hat on! I was accused of having planned the phrase but it occursed spontaneously during the course of my thought. I should probably seek competent professional help.
I'm trying to get back to eating well and it's going mediocre. Need to crack down. Also have quite a bit of work to do for my classes. Fricking classes. No word on TFA, I guess they aren't emailing out information just sending it via snail mail. I don't know if I'd take it anyway. It might be time to take the plunge and try to get into a film school. PBK could help, if it's real for me.
I'm reading a new book called the war of art. It's ghastly. A terrible terrible book with lots of meaningless or downright false plattitudes. Does anyone have an idea for a GOOD book about the meaning of life or a way of unlocking artistic inspiration?
On the plus side, with all this stuff going on in my life right now my desire for a woman has seriously gone down.
For a good time go to www.subservientchicken.com