April 13th, 2004


Why should you come when I call?

My new computer is broken again. I should be pissed but I'm not really because this one works for everything I want to do. I thought I'd get back into gaming but that's not where my head is right now. I'm focused on finishing school and getting into writing/filmmaking videogames are just a distraction. Maybe that's a sign of maturity or something. I did need it when I bought it but maybe I should have gone less ambitious and cheaper. Oh well, live and learn. I've changed.

John Kennedy Toole is a perfect example of a writer who took rejection way too seriously and wrongly. He wrote the brilliant "A Confederacy of Dunces," had it rejected from a publishing house (or had it requested that he revise the manuscript depending on the story you believe) and proceeded to engage in a self-destructive spiral culminating in his death. The book went on to be published, win the Pullitzer, and sell 1.5 million copies. That just shows what other people's opinions of your art, even experts, amount to. Of course it's essential that the book IS a masterpiece (I loved it) because if the same story happened with a crappy book then it would be a different lesson. Still his is a lesson I will need to remember very well should I proceed along this path.

Today two women said nice things to me, which is unusual in my world. The first was when a woman from my policy class said that the rest of the class should pay me to write their papers and that I did not seem like a person who was easily daunted. The second may have been sarcastic. In my film recitation this girl declared that she was going to sit in the executive chair. I asked whether that meant she was uncreative herself but wanted to crush the aspirations and dreams of artists. She said that I was her favorite person to listen to in the class, that some of my comments were brilliant and that I "had magic." This may have been sarcastic (it is the sort of thing that an asshole executive might say to talent right before he pulls the plug on a project) but I didn't detect it at the time and it seemed consistant with something she'd said during the previous class. This statement was not made by LHG, but she was present and at least didn't object. If in fact it was just an attempt to mock and shame the doofus without his realizing it she was in it as she smiled at the girl during the exchange.

Anyway, regardless of what was meant by whom what's important is that I have to learn to deal with compliments, especially from women. I have no problem dealing with insults or jabs, since I've hardened myself to criticism and I can fire back hard and fast. Compliments, on the other hand, confuse and disorient me. I should have had a snappy comeback to what the potentially sarcastic girl said but instead I was just doing my normal deflecting and humble thing, which is my automated response. There may come a time when a girl says she likes me and means it, and if I reply "that speaks poorly for your tastes" (the first thing that always jumps to mind) it might not lead to an optimal interaction. Some day I might do something actually praiseworthy. I should be ready.

I also got an A on my paper although I knew that would happen. I did not get to use my "titular punnery" line but such is life. I did get in a decent crack at Hollywood when the TA mentioned that French New Wave films have unlikeable characters and I said "So I guess there's at least one way in which modern Hollywood films were heavily influenced by them." Only quicker and funnier. The whole class got a laugh at that including LHG. I crack up my policy class regularly. I dominate that class to such an extent that I feel guilty. People are afraid to debate me and I say whatever I want whenever I want to. That's just how I am when I'm comfortable, unless I check myself I overwhelm everyone else with my word output and interweave serious discussion and constant jokes without pausing for breath.

Sometimes I think that's an aspect of my personal problems. Maybe I'm a bit intimidating with the amount I say and the intelligence of some of it, not to mention the belligerance and stubbornness. If I weren't fat and weird I might even buy that, but it's neither here nor there I guess.

I didn't get to do any filming today which I was looking forward to. It's raining which it tends to do in April. I'll have to do some work tomorrow which will be rough because it's an extremely long day. I also didn't get other work done or go to the office. I did, however, manage to stick to Atkins which is definitely a good thing. It's night and day how hungry I am when eating carbs versus sticking with the diet. It works if for no other reasons than I don't get cravings when I'm on it.

Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes. I might not have a girlfriend or a job or a chance of keeping my hair past the age of 30 but I do have hope and that should be enough for now.
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