April 21st, 2004


Just waiting for the hammer to fall

Some observations:

When you are in love with (lust after? desire? pine after? possess a romantic interest in? have falsely idealized and placed upon a pedestal? Face a genetically determined desire to co-author offspring with?) somebody that you know you can't have it is very easy to become jealous of things that wouldn't even merit jealousy were one married (or even GAY married) to her. You can find yourself jealous of a laugh, for example. Even if it's inspired by the merticulously created work of a long-dead auteur. Even if it's one that you yourself are sharing in. It's not so much the laugh itself, but rather what it signifies. It's like finding an incredible sale at a store with only one item left in stock, rushing out to the ATM to get the necessary money together to make your purchase, and seeing it advertised on every corner between the shop and the bank. How could anybody not love her knowing how she laughs and what she laughs at? It's inconcievable.

A jar of pickles gets progressively sadder and more disgusting the more of them you eat. When you start out it's a jar full of robust delicious fruits (Cucumbers are SEEDED, and that makes them fruits. People who say cucumbers are vegetables are SAVAGES!) in a nice coating of brine. By the end it's just one or two solitary pickles floating in a disgusting pool of dirty water. Alternatively a jar of sweet pickles starts out disgusting thus bypassing the middle steps.

If you are not told that you will be expected to stay an extra 45 minutes at your volunteer teaching post on the day your favorite television program is climaxing, and then furthermore when you arrive at the room find it full of students and an ornery professor who refuse to leave, and furthermore find that not all necessary materials have been given you, you are likely to become angry and react with impatience (characterized by rushing and not solvable by levitra.) This is likely to lead to mistakes on your part that could have been easily avoided. This is a point where all the times where you made excuses for and let slide other people's stupid mistakes helps defray cognitive dissonance from realizing what you've done and still wanting to think of yourself as a smart and competent person.

Providence, by Alain Resnais is a film that starts off slowly, is brilliant in the middle, and then drags interminably towards the end to the point where it feels like Peter Jackson ripped off his ending from Lord of the Rings Return of the King from that very film. It may be less interminable if your professor doesn't start it when there's significantly less time left in class than the duration of the film.

If you're the type who talks and interjects a lot, and you're normally pretty clever and funny, if you're sick and slowminded because of it you should stay home or SHUT UP. By you, I mean me.

There was a striking graduate student with "Kantians do it out of duty" written on a sandwich board sign. I was very tempted to inform him that the Catagorical imperative would SURELY keep people from striking because if everyone refused to work then the world would grind to a halt and many people would die. I was late to class so I didn't.

My story is up on lordofthelies if anyone's interested. I did get it in under 5000 words but just barely. It actually takes up half my friends page, which is obscenely much. I promised I wouldn't mention that journal again, but someone asked about it so I figured I'd make it easy to find. I will warn you, it's bad. Of course I think everything I do is bad, so…

I have MORE writing I need to do, which is VERY frustrating because I also have schoolwork. I can't NOT write though, I am spending time I would normally spend watching Ricky Lake or playing NCAA 2004 just writing writing writing. That's actually a good thing though, something to be proud of. At least I'm not wasting large chunks of my life like I used to. I've given up on worrying about the past. The past is just memories. What matters now is the present and the future.
  • Current Music
    Queen - Greatest Hits Vol II