April 27th, 2004


If I could make you smile that would really be a breakthrough

People who speak out against self-medication don't understand how necessary it is sometimes. There are times when you just get so low that you need the little bump that whatever your drug of choice will bring. For me it's a combination of TV, videogames, and food, all combined into one heady combination of escapism.

The food is probably a bad idea. It's like a fallback but a dangerous one. Call it the equivalent of cigarettes or vodka with a vodka chaser or a plunger of heroin pressed lovingly into a vein.

The TV is crappy. I don't see why anybody loves Raymond, he's as self-involved as Seinfeld without the cleverness or comeuppance. Ray Romano was on the list of 100 greatest standups. Larry David was not. Larry David is the Rodney Dangerfield of standup comics. Wait, that's not true, Rodney was on the list!

Videogames are the hard stuff. Addictive as hell, and soothing in some fundamental way that I don't yet understand. Last night it was NBA Ballers. I took on Clyde "The Glide" Drexler on his homecourt and took it to "The Glide" with the passion. I don't know what it is that gives the videogame such a potent escapist power. I think it's the way that they draw you in and give you something to focus your energies and attention on. When Clyde is up by 6 and closing in on the winning score you are focused on keeping the ball away from him, making sure to stay in positions for blocks, and bringing it to the hoop with speed and confidence to avoid his gaining more a lead. You aren't thinking about world hunger, your failure with women, or what you have to do tomorrow. You're thinking "Fucking Clyde is fouling me like a motherfucker! I'll get him for that." And you can. Videogames are winnable in a way that life is not. Small victories, it's true, but when you're desperate for a victory they WILL do. World hunger isn't going to go away. That girl will probably never give you the time of day. You may not do all your work satisfactorily, there may not be time left. Clyde "The Glide" Drexler WILL go down, and if he doesn't you can always reset and take it to him again.

Small victories count for something.

I'm not sure why I never became a drunk or a druggie. I think that opportunity has passed me by but I don't know why I never started it to begin with. I guess I value my mind too much, or I'm just such a social outcast that nobody has invited me to drink or enjoy mind altering substances.

Today I wake up, go to an extraneous weight lifting class because I'm too much of a pussy to ask Mr. Macho Camacho 5'7" gym instructor how many cuts I have left (he intimidates me with his hateful sadism) and then try to sign up for summer school. I have work to do, oodles of it. Oodles and oodles.

All I want to do is listen to "Breakthru" by Queen and imagine myself 5 years from now when I may not be as fundementally broken.

I won't though. I shall get mine ass out of this uncomfortable chair, shower it with water and lathered soap, wash those tears right out of my hair, and surge forward once more into the breech.

There sure are a lot of gay guys on livejournal. I wonder why this is. Is it some sort of attunement to their feminine side or the result of feelings of ostracism by gay men that forces them to seek out communities (like the online ones) where there's enough of them to form their own social nets or be more than a relatively insignificant minority of dudes (2-7% is it?)

Gay guys are interesting becuase they don't 'get' why women are so intoxicating. Of course this isn't an intellectual or moral failing, it's just a developmental fact, but it's still interesting. Lesbians get it. Straight girls don't get it, but then they are inscrutable in general so why WOULDN'T they go "wow, penises are just so awesome!"? But gay men. They are rational and comprehensible in pretty much every way except that they don't understand why seeing a pair of perfect tits can change your worldview. It's like someone who is perfectly normal except that they don't understand gravity, or time.
  • Current Music
    Queen - Greatest Hits Vol II

Roger Taylor!

Columbia needs to stop spamming my email box with invitations to end of the semester bashes. It has a $4.3 billion endowment, it doesn't need my $65 to attend some South Street Seaport semiformal. I am a literate young? man, I already get that there are party and dinner opportunities available to me. I have made an active choice not to participate in these things because I don't want to pay a lot of money so that I can sit in a corner alone while beautiful people who know how to talk to one another cavort. I can stay home and write instead.

Still my Inbox keeps filling, invitations that feel like accusations that I wasted my college career and life. I got so pissed at one of them, targetted directly at me, that I emailed back the person who sent it. It was telling me how I could register for the Senior dinner and where to pay them. It did not take into account the idea that I might not want to attend that dinner. The woman responded to my email saying that she completely understood my position and that I should have a great remainder of the semester. 3 days later she emailed me again with the same email informing me that by some act of great oversight I hadn't registered for the dinner and listing the steps I could take to rectify this situation. I didn't bother responding.

The thing is that these parties will be full of young men who had sex with dozens of attractive and mostly drunk young women during their college careers. They will be moving on to positions of prestige and power where it will make logical sense for them to support the Bush tax-cuts and they will have tinted windows on their limosines so they don't have to see the homeless people sleeping near the underpass on their way to the airport.

I will still be in school, trying to figure out what I want to do with my little scrap of life. It's not that I'm jealous, not in the conventional sense. I don't want what they have, except for the sense of purpose and direction. I could probably excel in law school, I have enough intelligence to impress and the ability to relate to normal people that some people with intelligence do not, and I am confident I could do well. The thing is I've started down that path and I don't like where it leads. That's not where I want to go. Speaking of places I don't want to go let's get back to the parties:

I know they will be primarily populated by geeks. They will be populated by geeks because the school is populated by geeks, and because the cool cool cats are downtown at tony clubs feigning disinterest at celebrities. The thing is that even the geeks will be cooler than me, more connected than me. I have no group of friends. Most of my aquaintances are in General Studies. And there's also...aww fuck it

The real truth is that I don't feel comfortable in large social gatherings and I don't relate well to people who are my age. That's fine, I accept that, let's move on.

I don't have anything I want to write right now which is probably a good thing for my school work but incredibly dangerous for my mental health. I want to write every day but what are you supposed to do on those days when you sit down and you just don't have anything to say? I'm journaling, but that's not enough right now.

I am full of self loathing. I'm fat. I'm offensive. I'm not as smart as I think I am. I'm not a good writer. I'm not a good person. I'm wasting my life. I'm spending too much money. I'm not worthy of the rights and privaleges of humanity. I'm a waste of resources for society.

Somehow I don't feel too bad though. As REM says, it's the little things that pull you under but it's also the little things that pull you through. Like the way Freddie Mercury says "Roger Taylor" in a reggae voice on "The Invisible Man." It's hard to stay truly dreary in a world that has little touches like that.

That's the level of polish that I love in art. The kind of touch that turns something merely journeymanlike to a display of mastery and professionality. It's one of the things that my writing lacks. Maybe I'll never achieve it, maybe it's impossible to achieve without a good editor or the kind of practice that takes decades.

Hollywood doesn't always have that polish. In the trailer for that new Al Pacino movie he says "You can't just open Pandora's box and then expect to just close it again." Two "just"s do not a polished screenplay make.

Life rolls onward unstopping. I need to take my second shower of the day, get dressed, turn in my summer school application, and then attend class followed by teaching GED. Only then will I achieve the true enlightenment some call sleep.
  • Current Music