May 13th, 2004


Look at yourself child

Last final done. I did an okay job, one good essay one mediocre one and decent IDs. Got an A- on my paper for that class although almost entirely negative comments, but I'm satisfied. That means that I'm virtually guaranteed an A- in Foner's class, unless I did way worse on the final than I thought (and to be fair it was thundering outside which was A #1 distracting as hell.) Now I have to write this fucking paper tonight and I'll be done with school. I have like NOTHING left in me, I did a little studying this morning which did pay off, but I need to sit my fat ass down and FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. 20-25 pages. I know most of what I want to say and I ahve good citations. It's the eleventh hour. Time for me to soar like eagle or plummet like stone.

I have about 6 pages done now. I did the 9 PM-2:30 AM sleep thing, which should sustain me until 5 when this puppy has to be in.

My mind has been on strange things recently. Like I was thinking about airports and how they say not to have anyone else pack your luggage. And I was thinking "Why haven't any sketch comedy shows done a bit about 'Al-Arabia Luggage Packing Service: We are fanatical about low prices."? There've been jokes about this sort of thing in the past. Ones where the guy goes to the counter, is asked whether someone packed his bags for him, and mentions "Yeah my wife handles all that stuff. Well...future ex-wife really. She caught me with my secretary. Now that you mention it I'm not sure why she was so eagre to come over and help me prepare for this trip. I thought it might mean she wanted to get back together." For all I know some show HAS done the Al-Arabia bit. Still it bothers me. I think it could be very funny and offensive, two of the best attributes anything can have.


That was all written before.

Now I'm done. Handed in and everything.

It's okay. Nothing special but not my worst work. I could have included more stuff but I ran out of room and energy. Right now I'm clenched up so tight my brain feels like a fist.

The professor asked if it would be funny. I told him no. He took it. I don't know what to think anymore.

My grades don't really matter but they won't be great. I'm predicting A or A- in Policy making, a B+ in this seminar, an A in film with the outside shot of an A+ and an A- in Foner. That won't be enough to make Dean's list unless I get the A in Policy making. It will lower my GPA. I don't care.

I'm predicting Magna Cum Laude and 150th rank in my class.

College is OVER man. My brain is racing in circles. My shoulder hurts.

Oh god I can't think.

Breathing is a good thing. All the things I didn't do, all the girls I didn't fuck, all the beer I didn't drink, all that potential strewn about me like refuse now.

I made it through.

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.

I'm incoherent.

Don't congratulate me. Don't you dare fucking congratulate me. I hate that so much.

college is OVER man.

I limped over the finish line. LIMPED. LIMPED. I don't know what to say about that. I don't know what to think.

I don't know what's next. Oh god I don't know what's next.

Neurosis are racing all over me, like sandworms they dance through my pores and swarm across me. I need to ride this wave out, just let it pass under me.

I was never that into college to begin with man.

My last entry recieved a TON of positive comments. I don't think it was that great, it was a throwaway attempt. Grist for the mill. What does that say about my taste?

Isn't it Neurotic? Don't you think. This entry is Jewish porn. Neurotica.

Okay. I think I'm better now. I might write something coherent later. I'll be writing my short story soon and just a lot more in general. I have to keep busy. I'm also going to be dieting. This is an exciting time to be me.

God I'm clenched.
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