The first thing I should do is clarify that when I said I wanted to write to allow me to have meaningful conversations with people who already understood my beliefs, I meant that I would talk with people who had read my writing after I published it. I guess for this my role model would be the ubiquitous Jeff. He has written several books on psychology and he tells me about how people call him out of the blue to discuss ideas he has put out there on paper. That sounds like an attractive proposition, and it's not my only reason just one that appealed to me at the time I was typing that entry. I do have the desire to put finger to keyboard and just write, and people have told me that I am a good writer, even people who might know something about that sort of thing. I have always wanted to be a writer. I have always been fairly good at writing. It is a skill that can be improved though. Almost every great book went through multiple revisions, and there are reasons that most great writing is done by people who have some years and a lot of practise under their belts. Which is not to say that everyone can write, just like not everyone can be a professional basketball player. (A little poke in the ribs at 5'7" Jeff there.)
I honestly can say that I prefer venting towards people that I know a little than towards strangers. That's one of the reasons that I like Jeff. He's not afraid to tell me far too much about his personal life. I don't really care if people consider me crazy or refuse to listen to me. That's their dealio. But I cannot stand social relationships based in a lie so I tell the truth about myself. Too much and too often. But that's me.
Dr. X informs me that I was incorrect when I stated that s/he prefered giving help to recieving it because s/he doesn't like giving help either. Personally I love offering assistance. I can listen to other people's problems for hours and try to figure out something they can do about them. Part of it is that I trust other people to succeed in putting my plans into action better than I can. Part of it is that I like knowing that there are other people out there with important problems too. Part of it is that I just plain enjoy using my mind to try to figure out a good thing to say or course of action. Part of it is something I don't understand.
I have been asked if I know why none of my friendships are entirely fulfilling. I think that the reason is that none of the people I have met have shared both life status and interests with me. The people my age tend to be interested in a whole lot of bullshit that I just don't care to talk about and the people who are older tend to have more experience than I do and I find myself unable to keep up. I dunno, Jeff says it's because I hide and don't put myself out there. I honestly don't know why I have never encountered the type of person I am looking for. I also honestly don't know if I'd be the type they were looking for. Maybe I've sat next to my soulmate in Calculas class only I wasn't HER soulmate so it's sort of a two ships in the night thing. I've had people who I've CONSIDERED best friends at the time, but invariably the relationships broke down and I feel like in most cases I outgrew the other person (except with Dar-Won who moved back to Korea.)
What is true love? Well that's a really easy question to answer. Oh wait no sorry, what is Spackle is an easy question to answer. What is true love is DAMNED hard.
True love by my definition...hmm. Hmm Hmm Hmm and hmm once more. I'd say that true love is the state of caring more about how the other person feels than about how you feel, but that's a hokey and cliched statement. I'd say that for me my speculative idea of the state of true love (having never experienced it myself I can only imagine what it would be like) would be intertwining someone so deeply into the fabric of your life that to tear them from it would leave you, as a person, irreperably damaged. The problem is that you can embed someone who'se bad for you quite deeply into your tapestry so that then begs the question of whether true love is always a good thing. I don't know. Maybe it's different for each person? Maybe it's just loving someone in the best way you as a person are capable of loving someone? Mostly what I know is what true love is not.
True love is not needing somebody, ANYBODY, to fill a void in your life that you really should be filling yourself.
True love is not lying to your wife about fucking the secretary because it's easy and you get double the sex that way.
True love is not one sided.
True love, once found, is not a side issue in your life. It isn't what you have when you don't have any work to do.
True love is not the lack of anything better.
Dr. X wrote a paragraph which consisted only of the word "Geek" followed by a question mark. I don't know whether to take this as an accusation, request for clarity, or very subtle statement of something else.
When I said that I want this journal to be accessible to more than 48% of the population I meant that I want it to be accessible to more than JUST men. I thought that men made up 48% of the world population. Was I wrong?
In New York city we don't wave cheerio. We might spit a tense "Hello" at one another as we rush past on some irritating errand or another. In Columbia I sometimes stop to talk to an aquaintance on the campus but invariably these are men. Well there was one girl who I talked to a couple of times but she didn't seem all that interesting so I reverted to entertainer mode like I am wont to do. I can be quite funny. Really I can. I....oh forget it.
I don't like flirting. I don't like playing games like that, it's just not me. It probably is related to the fact that I don't enjoy shallow discussions, or poker games, or most social situations, or Britney Spears etc.
I think that marriage is still a goal of most middle class people, but I live in liberal New York and the institution has definitly changed. My generation has started to seriously consider whether serial monogamy might not be a better way of life than "artificial" monogamy. Personally I think I understand the appeal but I know that deep inside my romantic notions are caught up in the idealistic code of chivalry from the dark ages. Yeah I know that the knights and lords boinked the chambermaids and the damsels and ladies gave rides to the stableboys, but reality is rarely as sweet as fiction.
I think that women are supposed to grow up and stop dating jerks around when the biological clock starts ticking and they want a father for their children instead of just a fire for their loins. Then they wed some financially secure nice dork and settle for security. Then they get bored and leave him or start doing things involving whipped cream and no clothes behind his back. Of course I know that men cheat in larger numbers than women, but I think that the tendancy is for the good parts of each gender to settle down with the lousy parts of the other. I'm also just plain more concerned with female flaws than male flaws in this regard because I feel I'm a good person and I know that if I do end up in a relationship it will be with a female. This means that I have to look out for the dangers inherint in that situation. It's a practical consideration and perhaps an unfair one, but...eh.
I'm also a pretty shy person socially. I won't approach people and I often believe that people who approach me do so out of pity. In class I'm a demon though. I tend to dominate classroom environments to the point of earning the ire of my peers. I just like to express myself *shrug*
I think that I've had some interesting insight into some of the differences between British and American people through my communications with Dr.X. I'd type more about them but I have to go administer a test in about 75 minutes and I need to take a shower and mentally prepare myself for that. It's not going to be easy for me, especially since I feel like a failure as an instructor.
P.S. I'm sorry if this journal appears to have degenerated into a conversation between Dr.X and myself but so be it. It's very hard to balance what I want it to be ideally and what it is easiest to make it. Maybe I should stop trying.
But I won't.
I'll answer more of Dr. X's email later, but for now, to the shower and then elsewhere. Must prepare for proctoring.