January 7th, 2005

pod

Expansiveness of me

I spent about 6 hours at Gabe's house tonight and had a really nice time. We made chicken, yams, and salad and talked about future projects. We've actually decided on one and now I have a third script to write, albeit this one is going to be a short. I may be looking to rent a studio pretty soon so that I can have a place to go and write far from TV and even the interweb, while also having a place to film so we don't have to meet actors at one of our houses and so we can professionalize this thing. We're starting to get serious and that's really good. I also talked to him about my second script idea (The current name is "Long Way Down" but I won't reveal the plot because I don't want to leave myself exposed to having it stolen, which can happen.)

I'm even more excited now than I have been because I'm not just going to be writing, we're going to start going into pre-production again relatively soon. We'll wait on the studio to see if the Israeli wants to go in with us but things are moving forward. It's definitely a pick-me up, and if I hadn't gotten home at 2:30 AM I'd be writing a good deal more about it.

After we chatted we went out to a bar and I had a single drink (A rum and Coke.) The drink wasn't bad but I really hate bars. Seriously. They're loud and obnoxious and crowded. I am okay with lounges and hotel bars and the like where the atmosphere is laid back and a little classy but watching the hipsters swarm around one another and shout over the music turned up so hard that when they played "Smooth Criminal" they blew out all the words so loud you couldn't understand just made me vaguely uncomfortable. It's decidedly not my bag, baby.

I need to keep surging ahead and working. I've built up some momentum now so that it's becoming less about projects than about a lifestyle and habit, which is what I desperately need. If could transmit that to taking care of myself physically then I'd be so extremely happy that I might even do the famed Gnomish Happy Dance, which is a craze that will soon sweep the nation.

The future's so bright I gotta wear shades! Okay, maybe not shades. Definitely eyeblack though.
  • Current Music
    Mamas and the Papas
pod

If you don't want me then don't give me a sign.

It looks like the "Move in with me move out together" plan is shot. There are a bunch of reasons for this and plenty of blame to go around. A lot of it is my mom's skittishness and paranoia, things I've contended with my whole life. Unfortunately certain events have unfolded and she's been set off. I don't mean to suggest that she's being entirely unreasonable, I understand her perspective completely and what she says makes sense, but she pulls the trigger to fast and freaks out at the slightest thing. Managing her edginess has always been a huge pain and I can't do it much longer.

As for the event, and why the person I was going to move in with is to blame, I don't want to air that dirty laundry, but it was a dumb move and a move I specifically and repeatedly warned about and discussed.

My culpability is, at least to me, a little more complex. It mostly has to do with the fact that I should have expected something like this to happen and I should have been clearer about the potential pitfalls in the plan. I thought I was being so but it didn't get through and I should have expected it not to. I really wanted to get out of here so I settled into a plan that was probably not the best from the start. The truth of the matter is that after going through all this over the last few days I'm kind of glad it all fell apart now before it started. I don't think we would have meshed well or that it would have been a good fit. I feel really badly about the fact that the burden falls mainly, almost exclusively, upon him in terms of dealing with the fallout. I wish it had been more evenly distributed. I prefer being let down to letting others down. In this case both happened, but the fallout falls disproportionately off me and that's unfair.

Now I have to go back to dealing with the broken washing machine and a thousand other things. I feel guilty and liberated all at once. It's also brought home to me just how little control I have over this house and a lot of reasons I need to get out. That may be happening relatively soon depending on how certain chips fall. We'll see.
  • Current Music
    Steppenwolf