January 25th, 2005


to the post office and then work and then a different post office.

I had an excellent psychotherapy session yesterday. My therapist didn't say anything he hadn't before but I was tired and had a migraine and I think that it put me in a more receptive place than usual. I wasn't quick enough mentally to deflect the things being stated, or I've changed enough that I was more willing to recognize certain truths being presented. I'm not sure. Either way it felt like something of a breakthrough, and I hope to be able to build from it and change certain negative behaviors that have stalked me for a very long time. Among other things I've stopped ordering in food except for 1 or 2 times a week, which I think was a major cause of my overeating. I would deny myself until the hunger built to the point where I would order way too much, my eyes bigger than my stomach, then I would eat it all because I'd paid for it and it was there. A terrible cycle if I've ever heard of one. I've found over the last few days that if I eat some protein when I START getting hungry then I will be satisfied by a much smaller meal, like a hot pocket and a bowl of soup with some croutons thrown in for flavor. There are a lot of other behaviors I want to change too and I think I have a decent shot, as well as another espresso style shot of optimism about myself even as the world engenders more and more cynicism about it.

Initially I thought that one of the things I ought to do was shut down this journal. I've spent too much time on it and frankly I feel like I've outgrown it. When I started writing it was an important place for me to get feedback and attention but while I used to get excited by comments and email these days it just annoys me. I am writing for myself and in shorthand and frankly some of the sloppiness is a little bit embarrassing given my aspirations. I've decided not to do that because I think journaling is healthy for me so long as it's not excessive. One of the other things I thought about was shutting off the comments feature on my posts, but that just goes against my personal policy of making an attempt to be open to whatever others have to say. I also considered purging my friends list, which I still might do, because it's an easy distraction and way to procrastinate. If you find yourself removed it has nothing to do with you, I'm just trying to help myself focus. I know that people can get touchy and upset over that kind of thing, though if you want to take me off your list you're more than welcome to. I think that online interaction can easily move from nice supplement to reality to crutch for avoidance and I want to, well, avoid that. It's a wonderful world out there, non? And it's not all digital.
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