April 10th, 2005


Fear never ends

Great, so now I have to worry about my treadmill breaking down.

Today was my first accidental 2 hour workout day (Where I didn't necessarily intend to put in that much time but it just worked out that way) and it was great. The problem is that the treadmill motor makes sounds as I push it up to higher intensities and I'm not sure whether that's just a normal thing it does (Motors make noise. This is not news) or signs of some sort of issue from my pushing it too hard. Judging by the nonresponse I got from the first problem it would probably be out of commission for awhile and I couldn't have that, not again. Over the last week or so where I've had full and free access to it I've become addicted. Not only does it feel great to be up and moving but it's also already started affecting my body. I had been having back pain recently and it's gone (thanks to a slightly shrunken gut and strengthened back muscles from the uphill walks) I look and feel a little slimmer and I've lost a few pounds, though that's the last important thing. It's given me confidence, and the regular endorphin dosages have improved my confidence and my writing.

I really love it and I'm worried about it because it's just a fragile machine. I'm not sure what I'd do if it started having serious problems and was down for extended periods of time. I guess I'd try to find alternate types of exercise, but none have felt quite this comfortable, and I'd cut down my foot intake, though that's always hard. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying about this so early, but my experience is that when you don't think about what could go wrong you are unprepared for what WILL go wrong, and chance dictates that at least something will.

As for the writing, it goes well. I am doing more than I have been recently, working on four projects at once, and I'm improving a lot. It's been about a year since I decided I wanted to actually try this, and the experience has been great. I may not have a lot of tangible accomplishments since graduation, but I've had one of the best years of my life and I've gotten much better at the writing. I'm going to bring a piece I'm writing now to my boss tomorrow or Tuesday and get his opinion on it. If he thinks it's professional quality then I will spend the next few months looking for some sort of writing gig. I feel like I owe that to myself and I believe I have the necessary talent and dedication to not only get but succeed at such a job. Of course I am realistic and know there is lots of competition and that the entertainment industry is far from a meritocracy. On the other hand I refuse to settle for less than the life I want, even knowing I might not get it. I think people who don't chase the things they love are absolute fools. You get ONE go-round. ONE! If you have a shot of making it a beautiful time then you owe it to yourself and the world to TAKE that fucking shot.

I am getting some of my arrogance back, which is a good thing. Something I've noticed is that often the people who make it are the people who 'knew' they always would. There's a lot to be said for thinking "Damn it I'm too good to be an assistant, I deserve to be running the whole show." If you don't reach for what you want you won't get it. I sound like Tony Robbins but I don't care. I've got my treadmill and Movie Magic Screenwriter plus, a head full of dreams and time on my hands. What could be better.

A blow job you say?

Yeah, well fuck you.
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