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April 19th, 2005

08:43 am - Happiness is found in whores and eight balls

Yesterday was interesting. I've decided not to post it in a conventional format, but instead to do something new with it, adding another to my growing list of writing projects now that I'm essentially unemployed and it has become my job to write constantly. I don't know what percentage I'll share here, I actually felt a little icky about putting up my longer script just on the off chance that someone might steal it. It's not long enough now to be worth stealing, and it might never be good enough, but it's just something I was thinking about. The thing about screenplays is that the number actually produced as films for movie theaters is dwarfed by the number sold for cold hard cash, so you could have a screenplay stolen and sold for money and never know about it, even though modern copyright law would allow me to sue even if I hadn't officially copyrighted it. That's one good thing about the Internet, if you post something here you instantly have like 20 witnesses that it's your intellectual property.

Anyway the coast is clear for now when it comes to getting some writing done. I'll probably apply for a real job within a month or two, but for now I'm excited about just having some creative time without the specter of work looming. Even part time work can be disruptive, especially when you stay in so late that you come home too tired to get anything done. That's not fun.

I've decided to accede to leopardprints's demands, because she has that 'I might be crazy' glint in her eye..not to mention coming off her nose, her ears, her tongue, nipples, and all sorts of other places that I for one would never dream to adorn with metal. She may even have a wrist piercing, she's nuts like that.

So with today as a starting point I'll post some sort of fitness update every couple weeks. Right now the # of pounds lost=0 because well, today's the starting point and it would be really weird if that were not the case. In reality I've probably lost about 4 pounds since the treadmill arrived, which is not horrible considering how many ups and downs there have been with it and the fact that I've definitely lost more fat than that. I'm not so terribly worried about the weight, at least for now, though if things settle down in about a month I will be and may even return to an official diet, fun. I've been trying to avoid that because diets tend not to last and weight that goes down fast returns fast.

By the way, just when I think conservatives can't be any less sensitive and caring a guy like Bill Murchison comes along. In describing the licentious nature of the 60's Murchison actually says that for it to occur it was necessary "prestigious universities such as Princeton to start boarding male with female students, as if it were Auschwitz or something." That's right. Because having male and female students live in the same dorms is EXACTLY the same as creating a murder factory for Jews. Look, I'm not Mr. PC. I've made holocaust jokes, some of which I'm proud of, but you can't seriously make that comparison. It's just unfathomable. I mean I'm actually speechless when faced with someone who would compare promoting sexuality to GENOCIDE. I lived for one semester in a mixed dorm and while people got laid very few of them had their hair fall out from starvation or got gassed, dutch ovens not included.

iconoclast as the archconservative you are, defend YOUR BOY and his metaphor, please.

02:45 pm - Clunky, but I'm not in the mood.

fakingsincerity urged me to turn these jokes into a poll affair. If you feel like it please rate the jokes on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being absolute crap, 6 or above being 'somewhat funny' 8 being actually laugh inducing and 9 or 10 reserved for jokes that are professional quality.

Thoughts on this format would be appreciated as well.

Poll #478002 Jokes

Shocking the world, the Catholic church announced layman and popular rapper 50 Cent as its new pope today. Upon ensconcement in the Vatican Mr. Cent proclaimed it "Pretty Dope, but it needs a little more bling. I'm gonna make the Vatican into the Phatican, know what I'm sayin'?" He then attempted to issue a 'phatwah' declaring himself totally not gay before being told that that's not how they roll in Rome.

Mean: 5.60 Median: 5.5 Std. Dev 2.06
1
0(0.0%)
2
3(15.0%)
3
0(0.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
5(25.0%)
6
1(5.0%)
7
7(35.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
1(5.0%)

Upon his election, President Bush called Pope Bennedict XVI to congratulate him. He said that he was not a Catholic, but was a huge fan of the Crusades and the whole selection of a leader by an elite and secretive council.

Mean: 7.10 Median: 8 Std. Dev 2.26
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
2(10.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
1(5.0%)
6
3(15.0%)
7
1(5.0%)
8
3(15.0%)
9
6(30.0%)
10
2(10.0%)

Southern Pharmacists continue to fight for their religious right not to give out morning after pills, even to victims of rape. As a show of solidarity convenience store clerks have stopped selling candy to people suffering from "Fatassitude," gas-jockeys are refusing to fuel up monster SUVs, and loose women are telling bigoted pharmacists that they can go fuck themselves.

Mean: 5.90 Median: 6 Std. Dev 1.64
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
1(5.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
6(30.0%)
6
6(30.0%)
7
2(10.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
1(5.0%)

When noted Pope-hater Sinead O'Connor was asked what she thought about the new Pope selection the singer shrugged and said "I guess he's okay. Nothing compared to John Paul II."

Mean: 4.65 Median: 4 Std. Dev 2.08
1
1(5.0%)
2
2(10.0%)
3
3(15.0%)
4
5(25.0%)
5
3(15.0%)
6
1(5.0%)
7
3(15.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
0(0.0%)

'Singer' P. Diddy failed to show at a planned event given in his honor by His Honor the mayor of Las Vegas. Mr. Diddy was unavoidably detained in Rome where he was helping his frient Pope Cent pick out the most "Christ cracklin' hawt" nuns for the Vatican choir.

Mean: 4.75 Median: 5 Std. Dev 2.14
1
2(10.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
4(20.0%)
4
3(15.0%)
5
4(20.0%)
6
4(20.0%)
7
1(5.0%)
8
1(5.0%)
9
0(0.0%)
10
1(5.0%)

Tom DeLay expressed bitter disappointment over the selection of Ratzinger as the new Pope. A spokesman said "Cardinal Ratzinger has always been a strong supporter of the entire bible, while Mr. DeLay is strongly opposed to the activist chapters in Judges."

Mean: 6.90 Median: 7 Std. Dev 2.41
1
0(0.0%)
2
2(10.0%)
3
0(0.0%)
4
1(5.0%)
5
2(10.0%)
6
4(20.0%)
7
2(10.0%)
8
2(10.0%)
9
4(20.0%)
10
3(15.0%)

Things in Iraq seem to be calming down recently. Insurgency leader Musab al-Zarqawi even offered a gift to president Jalal Talabani. He would not say what it was but described it as something Talabani richly deserves. "Trust me," said al-Zarqai "It's the bomb."

Mean: 6.70 Median: 7 Std. Dev 2.19
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
2(10.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
3(15.0%)
6
2(10.0%)
7
2(10.0%)
8
4(20.0%)
9
3(15.0%)
10
2(10.0%)

The Washington Nationals have jumped out to a 2 game lead in the NL East this season. Doing even better is their undefeated Texas League affiliate, the Crawford Fascists.

Mean: 5.65 Median: 5 Std. Dev 2.15
1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
3(15.0%)
4
5(25.0%)
5
3(15.0%)
6
2(10.0%)
7
4(20.0%)
8
0(0.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
2(10.0%)

General Motors announced a $1.1 billion dollar loss this fiscal quarter. When asked whether this would impact the economy President Bush scoffed, saying "$1.1 billion? To lose that kind of money I don't even have to come into the office." When asked why he, in fact, had come into the office today he muttered something that sounded like "I left half my sandwich here yesterday" and retired to the East Wing of the white house for story time and a restorative nap.

Mean: 6.32 Median: 6 Std. Dev 2.20
1
0(0.0%)
2
2(10.5%)
3
0(0.0%)
4
2(10.5%)
5
2(10.5%)
6
4(21.1%)
7
2(10.5%)
8
4(21.1%)
9
2(10.5%)
10
1(5.3%)

Survivor couple Rob and Amber are to be wed on national television after they complete filming of their current show, the Amazing race. The ceremony will be a quiet family-oriented affair, after which there will be a reception during which the happy couple will be hunted by a dozen men with shotguns, having to rely on their wits and incredible unlikeability to make it out alive. There will be cake.

Mean: 6.75 Median: 7 Std. Dev 2.28
1
0(0.0%)
2
1(5.0%)
3
1(5.0%)
4
2(10.0%)
5
2(10.0%)
6
2(10.0%)
7
3(15.0%)
8
5(25.0%)
9
1(5.0%)
10
3(15.0%)

Has the humor beeing improving?

Yes
5(25.0%)
No
0(0.0%)
Too soon to tell
13(65.0%)
Pasty paste paste paste
2(10.0%)

Anything else to add?

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