April 22nd, 2005

Dance For Mazzie

Pray for grace, punch em in the face

My fellow Americans,

It has recently come to my attention that some of our so-called fellow citizens are dissatisfied with the selection of Cardinal Ratzinger as the world's new undisputed spiritual leader. Instead of sitting by their televisions, tuned to Fox News of course, and waiting with baited breath to see which of the eminently qualified and unquestionably virtuous candidate we would be given the honor of venerating, they have chosen to mock and make light.

Now I know what you're thinking, this sort of silly 'non-conformism' is no more than the japery of fools. Let me assure you, my fellow Americans, that this not the case. The anti-popeists have an agenda, my friends, and a most insidious agenda it is.

Before I go any further I know some of you are probably thinking that I'm being a bit unreasonable. Wait, you say, I have issues with the pope as well! I'm not a Catholic! Let me assure you, my friends, that you are not the type of person I am talking about. There are plenty of people who have legitimate gripes with the pope but are not traitorous or evil. There are millions of good people who are Baptists, Methodists, or Jews. Okay, maybe not Jews. My point is that you don't have to believe that the Pope is god's chosen representative on earth to join with me against those who would mock him.

You see to the japeist the Pope does not represent only Catholics but Christians of any stripe, or even Jesus Christ himself. They have no respect for their creator or belief in the fundamental principles that underlie the moral life. They believe that human beings are fundamentally good. That we possess brains with which we can attempt to unravel the mysteries of the universe and language with which we can discuss these things. They believe that the human body is natural, that it is something that can be shared with others. They think that SEX...They think that SEX is an act of LOVE and SHARING.

Oh what fools they are. They don't realize that the truth of the world is contained in the passages of a 2000 year old book. They ask why they should believe in the book...IDIOTS! The book TELLS you that it contains the truth. People TELL you that it's true. What more do you need? They want to abolish the shame of original sin and the hiding of bodies! THEY WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE THAT IT'S OKAY TO LOVE WHOMEVER YOU WANT.

They must be stopped.

So, my fellow Americans, I say that we take this glorious occasion to settle some scores. I would not advocate violence against the non-believer, at least not if there is a risk of being caught. On the other hand, we are billions strong and they are WEAK. We have the belief of the MASSES and they have only science and reason on their side. They are no match for us. It is time to launch a new crusade, this one not aimed at the Muslim world, we'll get to them later, but at the heart of this corrupt and evil nation!

And that crusade should be waged through...SLOGANS! That's right. If we gather enough pithy slogans together we can conquer the secular demon and set right this wayward world. Imagine the look on your non-believing friend's face when you unveil your new POPE BENEDICT XVI RULES bumper sticker. They will not be able to contain their shame and fear at not being one of the anointed ones. Oh, and that is not the only slogan in our arsenal, my friends, not the only slogan at all. We also have "I'd rather love the pope than dope!" to turn your hippy friends into quivering masses of shame and self-loathing and "A Pope in the Vatican is worth a thousand WHORES" as a gift to anyone who has sex outside of marriage...and is a woman.

We're also launching our own line of religious magazines to combat the current secular ridiculousness. For those who care about machinery but do not like the machinery of secular devotion to Satan there's "Pope-ular Mechanics." A new magazine devoted to religious machinations. Scientific American dared mock us with their April Fools issue, so we shall bring them down with "Faith-Based American" a magazine devoted to those who wish to IGNORE any discovery made within the last two thousand years and believe in the good book instead. In its initial issue it will show that not only are the Dinosaurs a hoax perpetuated by the Jew, but that airplanes are kept aloft through fervent prayer, not aerodynamics. We will also have "Christian Parenting" featuring articles such as "How much beating is enough for your child?" and "When is it okay for a child to form its own opinions?" (Never.) Christian Cat Fancy will feature articles for the Christian cat owner on how to prepare your pussy for the penetrating gaze of Christ, and to make sure that she will join you in heaven when the Rapture comes.

Speaking of the Rapture, we are launching a line of clothing called "Rapture wear" for those who are afraid that they might be whisked up to heaven in inappropriate dress. Our signature item is the Cruciform Thong, where the bleeding body of a dying Jesus hangs forever over your crotch area, reminding you that if he sacrificed his life the least you could do would be KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. Meanwhile you will have no unflattering panty line! Rapture wear is guaranteed to make a great impression on the angel who swoops down to deliver you from Armageddon.

My fellow Americans, it is your sworn duty to buy these invaluable items in the battle against heresy and unreligion. It is as Jesus said, only through commerce can you achieve enlightenment and the kingdom of heaven. I offer you that chance now. Operators are standing by.
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My mom is having cardiac issues so I haven't been in a funny mood recently. She's fine it looks like but...well. Anyway...

1) A young woman at Grand Valley State University doing a presentation on her most admired Italian American was honored when the subject, Tony Danza, came to see her give it. A disappointed Rudy Giuliani remarked "We were basically even until his new Talk show. That pretty much trumps the whole voice of strength for a shattered nation thing after 9/11."

2) A new study has shown that constantly checking your email is a greater detriment to your IQ than being high on marijuana. AOL CEO Steve Case was quick to point out that Pot isn't going to make your penis any bigger.

3) The inspiration for "Seinfeld"'s soup nazi plans to offer his own line of ready-to-heat soups. Company reps note that if you fail to follow the packaging guidelines precisely the soup pouch will self-destruct.

4) Zacarias Moussaoui has pled guilty to being part of the 9/11 conspiracy. George Bush calls for execution of his next door neighbor who "Definitely 100% has a gun on his property."

5) Dick Cheney warned the Democrats against using Judicial filibusters today. "If you filibuster our candidates we will drive this country into a ditch!" Aide later added the word "Further" to Cheney's statement.

6) George Bush was kept from making his Earth Day remarks by inclement weather. Bush stated that if the earth wouldn't behave he'd just pollute it more until it learned its lesson. He then spoke out in favor of his "Clear Skies" initiative.

7) The tragic death of Jessica Lunsford has inspired legislation to force states to keep better track of sex offenders who are not currently behind bars. Similar legislation was proposed for corporate criminals after the Tycho trial but was dropped when it discovered that that would require watching "All of them."

8) 11 women have come forward to accuse Bill Cosby of drugging and groping them. Cosby responded to the allegations by claiming that he was just pulling their pants up...twenty or thirty times in some cases.

9) 9 people died in a Baghdad Mosque bombing today, while Indianapolis Indiana more than 30,000 Star Trek fans gathered for the largest convention ever. In other news suicide bombers admit that they have horrible aim.

10) Paula Abdul has refuted claims that she's addicted to pills. Her publicist stated unequivocally that Paula's only addiction was to "sucking."
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