April 25th, 2005

Dance For Mazzie


1) 50 commuters were killed in a Japanese Rail accident today. By way of consolation the Chinese foreign ministry offered this statement: "Good."

2) The Army's investigation into the Abu Ghraib incident has cleared three top officials of any wrongdoing. A White House spokesman said that the rigorous investigation and its results have shown that the administration remains committed to passing the buck.

3) Reports say that Pope Benedict XVI prayed that he not be elected Pope at the conclave, but that God was not listening to his prayers. Which is, you know, a great quality to have in a Pope.

4) CNN reports that President Bush is pushing for more War Zone spending in Iraq and Afghanistan today. Said the President, "What those two countries need is more War Zones."

5) Black and Hispanic students at small Evangelical college Trinity International have spent two nights in seclusion after receiving death threats, apparently from another student. University President Waynright made a statement, saying that"Just as the crucifixion led to a resurrection sometimes a challenge like this can help an entity like ours become what it wants to be. A whites only college."

6) The nation's prison population continued to rise last year, by 2.3 percent. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay put the blame squarely on the shoulders of activist criminals.

7) An American businessman was bilked out of $800,000 when a con man sold him the Indian Prime Minister's residence over the Internet. The man was discouraged, but stated that he would not be homeless as he'd just purchased a sprawling estate on Washington D.C.'s Pennsylvania Avenue.

8) Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has announced the arrest of several U.S. Citizens on charges of espionage. Chavez added that he suspects Washington may be planning an invasion of his country. A White House spokesman scoffed at the idea, stating that "The United States of America does not invade oil-rich countries that do not pose a real and present danger." After the laughter died down the spokesman added "Anymore."

9) Elton John plans to marry his longterm partner David Furnish in 2006. President Bush expressed dismay, stating "Wait, the guy who wrote Tiny Dancer is GAY?" He then deleted the British Rocker from his iPod, replacing him with "The Very Best of Queen."

10) GOP Senator Arlen Spector has raised questions about the nomination of John Bolton for U.N. ambassador, questioning how he will relate to an organization he has claimed "Does not exist." President Bush calmed his fears, noting that "They had the same issue when I first assigned an ambassador to Candyland, and look how well that turned out."

Alternate take:

Reports say that Pope Benedict XVI prayed that he not be elected Pope at the conclave. That makes 4.5 billion and one of us.
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    Tiny Dancer
Short hair suspicion


Over the weekend a couple people made mention of my new journal format. They questioned whether it was the best for me and what I was doing. Now I appreciate all feedback, and you guys have been great, but I felt like this might have been the result of my not explaining myself clearly enough.

My immediate goal is to get good enough to have a shot at getting a comedy writing job. This is a short term goal and one I am seriously pursuing. Now it may not be possible. I may lack the talent or connections or some other attribute people are looking for, but I'm going to try, at least for a month. After that I may look for a more normal job while I pursue other creative opportunities. This is my dream in life and now that I KNOW what it is and I've figured it out, I'm not going to stop chasing it for anybody or anything. Even reality.

Anyway, I know that for some people getting 10 jokes a day on their friends page is annoying, especially when said jokes are not always to their liking or topnotch, so I've created a new community called best_medicine where I'll put all future works of humor. If you want to take a look and provide feedback that's great, if you don't then that's fine too. Also people can join and post if they so desire, or not. It's just there.

The reason I created a new community instead of joining a pre-existing one is that in my experience most moderators are douches and they whine about LJ-Cuts and appropriate language and blah blah blah. I am not a douche, so I figured I was the best choice.

socratic will go back to being obsessively about me and perhaps holding non-comedic writings. I hope this resolves all issues and serves everyone's needs and desires.
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