May 4th, 2005


The rant I hoped someone would want.

Almost everyone has something they both hate and fear instinctually, from the time they are children to adulthood. For most people it's something innocuous like spiders or asparagus or Ted Kennedy and his enormous head. For me it has always been teenage girls.

If I had been born to a teenage mother I would probably have aspired to become an orphan. I cannot remember a time when I didn't hate them, though if I search my memories I suspect that the loathing may have been started by a babysitter named Heather who did not know how to spell. To a five-year-old me an inability to spell correctly was absolutely inexcusable in an adult (She was probably FOURTEEN years old, which is like 89 in human years) and my disdain was immense. Still it feels like I always hated Heather, even before I learned that she was not, in fact, a dictionary with nascent breasts.

Some people get past their hateful phobias as they grow older. They get a pet spider or mouse and learn to love it. They figure out that asparagus makes your pee smell funny and grudgingly accept it. They see that Kennedy is really a nice guy when he offers to drive them home from a party on Chappaquiddick. Familiarity breeds contempt or comfort, both anathema to fear.

I never became comfortable or contemptuous of TGs because my main encounters with them were in the halls of the hellish wasteland I like to call High School. There the TGs roam in loud packs searching for trends to follow. Occasionally one of them would stop to physically assault me or one of my friends, because girls are bigger than boys at the beginning of high school and have become increasingly dangerous ever since they went wild. Later in the school process I shot up and filled out to the point where no girls would dare assault me, but they wouldn't date me either (This may have been related to my screaming "YOU'LL NEVER GET MY SOUL!" whenever one would say 'hello' to me, but I can't confirm or deny) and they continued to regularly say things so inane that they made Yogi Berra look like Abraham Lincoln.

Awhile ago, in the supermarket, I saw three teenage girls looking at the bagels. Since I wanted to buy some bagels I stayed and observed as the pack of them carefully examined the boiled dough rings and chattered quietly among themselves. I thought this process would take maybe 30 seconds, you pick a bagel, you bag it, and you're out. It took them literally 15 minutes. I watched them point and giggle and move their lips, and yet they lacked the communication skills to select their preferred bread products. It was almost as if Teen People had failed to publish their "Hot Carbs of '05" special issue and these poor girls had no idea what to purchase without external prompting. I wanted to scream out "It doesn't matter which you pick, you're just going to throw it up later." or "Sesame Seeds have fewer calories than a mouthful of semen, take the bagel and learn to spit!" One of them attempted to reach for a muffin, but her compatriots pulled her back and it took them 7 more grueling minutes to hash out what they wanted. In the end they picked a total of one plain bagel and skittered off down the soda aisle where they probably remain to this day, trying to choose between Diet Pepsi and Pepsi One.

Meanwhile by the time I got my bagel and made it to the checkout line my Milk was Cottage Cheese and my Cottage Cheese had eyes.

One of the reasons I am so against dating is that within each adult woman, no matter how clever or interesting or graceful, there lurks both a past as a teenage girl and the ability to produce new ones. It's like women are the Alien only well-disguised to look like humans. Each of them has hatched from the most vile and dangerous form of life known to man, and each is capable of creating more if they can only obtain the essence of a man using their secondary maw. And then when they're done he feels an uncontrollable urge to sleep, an urge she can add to by accessing her powers of inane prattling, leaving him unconscious and vulnerable.

Spiders? Spiders ain't nothing.
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How to get Iconoclast to hate you

I watched the series re-premiere of Family Guy yesterday (TiVo was threatening to delete it) and it was...


I've never loved Family Guy, though I did buy the first season DVD and find it mildly enjoyable enough to watch without commercial breaks. I should probably also admit that I was never a huge Simpsons fan, but I did watch during the show's peak and there are certainly some episodes that are up there with anything that television has ever produced.

Family Guy is, in my opinion, a watered down Simpsons with one great character, Stewie, and a bunch of mediocre take offs for the rest of the family. Peter is like Homer in his later, dumber, iterations and while he can be amusing with sight gags and the occasional punch line he's so impossibly unrealistic that nothing he does is ever surprising. The wife is nondescript and uninteresting. The kids are useless, with Chris being a mini-Peter and Meg being so bland I cannot remember any gags with her from the episode. Brian the Dog is an interesting concept not taking far enough. He's supposed to be a hard-bitten alcoholic but he's also someone Peter can talk to and often ends up being the responsible one, which doesn't work. It's as if Barney and Ned Flanders from the The Simpsons were rolled together into one bipolar character.

The main problem with Family Guy is not the characters though. They are pretty lame, but lots of shows have lame characters, and the genius of Stewie should help to overcome the foibles of the others. The main problem with The FG is the fact that it has no THERE there. The world of The Simpsons Springfield is a solid place with landmarks, rules, and a reality all its own. It's a solid setting for the family to run amok in, or at least it was until recently. It's funny when they build a monorail there because you instantly know there's no way Springfield needs a monorail. It's funny when guest stars appear there because you know they're totally slumming it and couldn't care less about this podunk. Comedy relies on reality gone twisted and The Simpsons provides a reality to play with.

Family Guy does not. There's no real sense of setting and absolutely anything can happen at any time. Peter might have a flashback to fighting a Chicken in an office building or the family might go into Witness Protection or deal with the apocalypse or WHATEVER. In fact the only character who HAS an established world with rules is Stewie, who must somewhat obey the laws of babydom. His funniest moments are when he must battle between his evil genius and his baby urges. When he grudgingly trades his superweapon for a pacifier or has to set an evil plan in motion to get his diaper changed (The best moment from the latest episode.) This is what makes Stewie work so well and everything else...not. The show ends up feeling like one long string of rampant silliness and while it has amusing moments it also has minutes where absolutely nothing interesting is happening and I just sit there waiting. It has no plot or characters you care about or ANYTHING to fall back on when the gags fall flat. Nothing.

I admire Seth McFarland for what he's done with the show. Getting a show on Network TV is never easy and he's a risk-taker when it comes to pushing the broadcast envelope. He does a lot of good voice work and he created one classic character. I just hope that in his next project he focuses on mixing some storytelling in with the endless gags and creates something with more comedic substance than cotton candy.

And now for something completely Polish:

Poll #487733 The Family Guy MY EYE poll!

Do you watch Family Guy?

I've seen every episode eighteen billion times
I try to catch it whenever I can
If it's the only thing on
I tried it but lost interest
Cartoons? I said what! I don't abide those fancy shadowpuppetries!

What do you think of Family Guy

I want Seth McFarland to impregnate me with his comic manseed
It's pretty awesome
It's alright
I have an attitude of educated disinterest
It's not Scottish, which makes it CRAP


Maybe so

Anything else to add?

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The world is officially over. Christ come take me.

According to Paris Hilton announced that she's ready to breed, saying "I've had so much fun, and had a great life. I've accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish and I think that when I have kids that'll make me happier than I already am."

I for one am happy for her. Really. It's great to see someone who has finished all her goals at the tender age of 24 and is ready to impart her maturity and wisdom to the next generation. Let's take a looksee at her list, shall we?

#1) Ingest so much drugs and alcohol that you wake up in a different city with no idea how you got there.

She crossed that one off the list when she was around 9. She doesn't even call that a goal anymore, she calls it Thursday afternoon.

#2) Become an international sex symbol by fucking an absolute sleaze-bucket doggie style in front of a night vision camera and watching him release the video on to the internet.

No doubt.

#3) Get talked about constantly on TV despite having no visible talent other than being obnoxiously rich and startlingly unpretty.

The woman can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to!

#4) Condescend towards people who weren't born with eleventybillion dollars and enough cachet to get your photograph in shitty tabloids on national television.

For four glorious seasons!

#5) Break up with your best friend publicly and talk trash about her in the press.

Nobody's done it better in a long time

#6) Have sex with anyone who's A) Hot B) Wealthy or C) Famous and is willing to lower his or her adult parts into the seething cauldron of disease that bubbles between your legs.

No comment necessary.

#7) Date someone with the same first name as you, a comparable fortune, and the same vacant blonde homeliness.

You think Switzerland Holiday Inn Express could accomplish that? No. She's in 'college.'

#8) Be fodder for every hacky would be comedian out there and have Jay Leno ride you like a vintage Harley.

Isn't this proof enough of that.

#9) Star in every terrible movie made in the past 2 years and somehow manage to make it worse. Act with all the charm and grace of Pete Rose's hairpiece.

More like Pete Rose's hairpiece after Rosanne Bar found herself alone in a bathroom with it and no toilet paper.

#10) Turn yourself into a soulless commodity.

She was BORN a soulless commodity. Does this one count?

Paris can't have children yet. She hasn't dropped a Lindsay Lohan quality album yet, or snorted three grams of cocaine off a midget's penis (Okay, she may have done that one.) There's so much more out there for her! Ann Coulter impersonators don't grow on trees people, you have to have a single digit BMI to even attempt it.

Seriously, her kids better HOPE they come out of the womb hooked on crack because they're going to need it with her as their mother. She probably won't even manage to hire nannies to raise them because Maria's too short and Consuela clashes with the furniture.

How much Redbull and Vodka does it take to sterilize you anyway, because she has to be at least 3/4 of the way there at this point. Considering the regime of starvation and cocaine that her ovaries have been subject to I'd be surprised if her womb wasn't dustier than the Sahara.

Kids. More Hiltons. A whole new generation of unavoidable publicity whores who worm their way into your consciousness no matter what you do and set up camp fellating a hippopotamus in your hippocampus.

Bring on the apocalypse. Jesus, I want off this crazy rock.
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