May 10th, 2005

Short hair suspicion

All fact

In light of last night's post many of you have expressed interest in learning more about the magical creature known as mazzie who accused me of pilfering her brilliant phrase "Runner's Low." I have agreed to share some information on a strictly need to know basis, and everybody needs to know because:

mazzie could destroy the world in under 10 seconds using any one of her 78 nuclear weapons.

mazzie was born with a third arm, but she wished so hard she turned it into a pumpkin.

mazzie is fifth in line for the Turkish throne, EVEN IF THERE IS NO TURKISH THRONE!

mazzie is the unofficial creator of the Etch-A-Sketch.

mazzie's teeth are so white that they are a NATIONAL TREASURE.

mazzie invented multi-digit numbers in her sleep.

mazzie is a genius AND a genus!

mazzie profiled Don Mattingly for Vanity Fair, in under 12 minutes!

mazzie refuses to this day to sex up U2 member "The Edge" for fear he may fall in love with her.

mazzie is very low in saturated fat but will raise your cholesterol out of SPITE!

mazzie once lived in Walla Walla Washington. It was her idea to add the second Walla.

mazzie has twelve toes...ON EACH FOOT!

mazzie is a certified astronaut but refuses to go to space because "Vacuums suck"

mazzie is not now nor has ever been a member of the Republican Party.

mazzie's life was the inspiration for the film Rudy, and also Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

mazzie can cauterize a wound with laser vision, but cannot fly without the assistance of a plane or a giant bird.

mazzie thinks marijuana should be legal, but only for hippies.

mazzie once orally serviced Oral Roberts, but not in the way you are thinking.

mazzie was once mistaken for Ann Coulter, by ANN COULTER!

mazzie is composed entirely of pure love and sesame seeds.

mazzie cannot touch her own bellybutton with her tongue unless she bends her neck.

mazzie fought the law, and the law LOST!

If you have any other questions about mazzie or wish your own SECRET INFORMATION made public please comment here.
  • Current Music
    American Hi-Fi
pod

The truth will out

So nosearmy wants the truth of himself to be revealed, and me to be the revealer. Sit back people, this won't be pleasant. As we all know, he's no mazzie. Not by a long shot. In fact:

nosearmy was once a famous horticulturalist, but his mad experiments destroyed the lost continent of Atlantis, and now he works in Tic Tac sales.

nosearmy once took home a lady from a club and in the morning she shouted "Surprise, I'm a man!" and then he said "No you're not!" and it was, in fact, a lady!

nosearmy conquered Laos but abdicated the throne because the food was "Laos-y"

nosearmy once injured his wrist saving a puppy from the evil grasp of Sean Hannity.

nosearmy isn't a born again Christian, in fact he was NEVER BORN!

nosearmy has a dozen different smiles, but they all mean "I want to fuck you like an animal."

nosearmy met Kyle MacLachlan and said "I am your biggest fan" but they both knew it was a lie.

nosearmy can only get an erection if his sexual partner is on fire.

nosearmy is neither gas nor solid, but he is definitely not a liquid either!

nosearmy doesn't know where his clothes come from, they just appear in his closet.

nosearmy is genetically identical to moss.

nosearmy wrote Foreigner's hit "Hot Blooded" but lost the court battle when he couldn't remember the lyrics.

nosearmy was Karen Allen's butt double in Animal House.

nosearmy never kicks a man when he's up.

nosearmy comes from Nantucket and doesn't know what the big deal is about that.

nosearmy coached Argentina to its 2004 gold medal in basketball...BY ACCIDENT.

nosearmy thinks the worst part of being colorblind is that it's hard to be a racist.

nosearmy is wanted in 49 of the fifty states, but eludes capture to this very day.

nosearmy is very sorry about the Maine, but will not explain why.

nosearmy used to beat prostitutes with coathangers, but only because he HATES COATHANGERS.

nosearmy knows eighteen recipes for cooking zebra but he can never fall in love.
  • Current Music
    Bad bad man
Short hair suspicion

The allegations cannot be denied

Further investigations have revealed disturbing truths about genericrick. He was long considered a patsy, just a mouthpiece for his more popular friends, like theferrett or jimbo12 but the facts paint a very different story. Unbeknownst to anyone:


genericrick speaks truth to power because power is GAY.

genericrick wasn't alive in 1941, but is DICK CHENEY'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER!

genericrick still refuses to believe that Melrose Place was canceled.

genericrick is considered a raw food by most experts.

genericrick was known as "Prescriptionrick" until his patent ran out.

genericrick has a deep seeded fear of urinating alone.

genericrick wouldn't be able to bring you to climax but would sure like to try.

genericrick can't understand why Bronson Pinchot isn't a bigger star, but blames it on MATT DRUDGE.

genericrick is hypoallergenic in the WORST POSSIBLE WAY.

genericrick continually stalks and rapes P.J. Carlesimo because it is a VICTIMLESS CRIME.

genericrick wants a spanking from IMELDA MARCOS. Wants it BAD.

genericrick was considered the smartest man in America, but then he spoke.

genericrick considers Warren Harding to be the lowest form of humor.

genericrick has a secret in his pants that could CHANGE THE WORLD FOREVER.

genericrick trolls the Internet for naked pictures of your mom.

genericrick murdered Nicole Simpson and hides out on Golf Courses.

genericrick has the world's only sexually transmitted case of the WOPs.

genericrick was the one who suggested Prince change his name, but to something sensible, like Melvin.

genericrick ain't misbehavin', but not for lack of trying.

genericrick's base are belong to MARTIN SCORSESE.

genericrick wasn't bulimic when you started reading this, but now he just might be.

genericrick won the Nobel prize for NOT GIVING A FUCK!

Stay tuned as further allegations surface. If you are at all concerned about your own background please turn yourself in for investigation by my gnomish Pinkertons, but only if you feel you're ready to know.
  • Current Music
    Alabama
pod

I like the way you move it, CHERRY!

I'm really enjoying this format and I think I'm refining it as I go and having a lot of fun, but I'm going to hold a moratorium at least until tomorrow because I don't want to spam peoples friends pages and I don't want people to burn out. I never burn out, but other people do.

Meanwhile I took about 4 times the recommended dose of fiber today and I have made progress in emptying my colon, but it is not yet empty, which is troubling. My trip to the doctor inspired 2 essays I have yet to write while 1 billion screenplays go unwritten as well and I'm trying to watch The Butterfly Effect but am distracted by the concept of Ashton Kutcher as a brilliant college student, since he looks more like a Seattle hobo and talks more like a moron.

If only my body were not being a stubborn son of a bitch I would truly be loving life right now. As it is I like it, but I'm not sure if I LIKE IT like it.
  • Current Music
    Beastie Boys
gnome

Truth has a new address.

avung1 suggested that I create a new community and shuffle off my factoid posts there, and so terrible_truths was born. People who have asked me to do them will find their factoids popping up there shortly. Those who want to be there can feel free to ask. The only requirement is that A) If you ask to be done you join the community, not retroactive but in the future. You do not have to friend it if you don't want the pagespam. B) If you choose to post your entry in your journal you mention the community it came from and that other people can have their username done if they so choose, like a viral Meme.

If you want to do factoids about someone else in the community that's fine, but you have to ask permission first. I think this thing won't last long but it's worth a shot, and you can call me shooter.
  • Current Music
    Hot Blooded