May 17th, 2005

Short hair suspicion


I went to the doctor today to absolutely filthy bill of health. When you're obese you never get a true clean bill of health. At best the doctor will look at you suspiciously and say something like "Well according to the tests your triglyceride levels are not so high that you are likely to die right here in my office, but if you do please do me the courtesy of rolling out of the chair because I have other patients and I'm not sure I could move you on my own." In truth he said that my bloods were pretty acceptable, but that the chances of them remaining so would skyrocket if I were less enormously fat.

I like my doctor because he's so warm and courteous even when he's giving you not so great news, and he's not one of those distant clinical "Voice from the mount" doctors. The first thing he did today when I went into his office was ask me if I could help him fix his Adobe Acrobat program, which wasn't working properly. The next thing he did was try to sell me on his new book which he stated was not just for those suffering from dysfunction but also those who want to avoid dysfunction in the future. We then talked about my weight and what to do about it. He made a lot of sense, of course, and most of the stuff he said that I didn't like was because I don't like reality, not his description of it (He said that carbohydrate rich desserts are doubly dangerous because they both contain many calories and stimulate appetite, and that unless there's a big medical breakthrough I will probably never reach a point in my life where weight is not a concern, meaning that even if/when I reach optimal bodyweight I will need to work hard to maintain it.) He prescribed a couple medications and answered a few questions and then sent me on my way, saying I should come back monthly so that he could check progress and offer advice if progress was not occurring.

Overall it was pretty painless and I can't disagree with much of what we discussed. The other reason I like going to my doctor is that he's so media savvy, which leads to him saying things like "Okay, so make you sure you take the liquid calcium every morning, don't forget the fish oils, and catch me on the Conan O'Brien show June 15th!" It appeals to my sense of the odd and the absurd.

I guess the next step is to actually lose weight, regardless of the state of the treadmill, and start on the road to better health. I do feel like he gave some strong pointers that will be useful, and going back to be held accountable will be motivating as well. He agrees with me that the stomach stapling operation has too many health risks to go ahead with now when there's still a possibility that the weight can be controlled without invasive surgery, but that may be a possibility in the future. Nonetheless I remain hopeful and rededicated, repeating my mantra that failure is merely the root of future success, and looking forward to a relatively long healthy life with EXCELLENT erectile performance!
  • Current Music
    Neil Diamond
Dance For Mazzie

New laws.

There's something about reaching your late twenties (something I haven't done yet, but my doctor assures me it's imminent and could happen any day now) that makes you look back and say "Ahh. Where the hell did I put my wallet? I swear it was on my dresser but now it's not." It also makes you contemplate your life so far and all the things you've achieved, such as aging and avoiding incurable venereal disease (unless you haven't done that, in which case your doctor might recommend kayaking or climbing mountains to take your mind off things). It also makes you realize that there isn't a heck of a lot to look forward to. I mean sure there's marriage, children, and incontinence, but those are things you have to achieve, they aren't guaranteed. Your life stretches before you, as flat and desolate as a Terri Schiavo EKG.

That's why I think that they shouldn't cluster all the "Age of consent" stuff around the 18-21 area. Within three years you get sex, smoking voting, drinking, and you're done. For the rest of your life you've pretty much got nothing until 65 when you get cheaper movie tickets and like 1/3 of the money you paid out in Social Security back.

That's why I think that some of the currently forbidden behaviors in our society should be distributed out along the age curve. Like pot. Right now it's hard to be cool when you're 40, but if you could legally score and smoke pot, well then. That'd put those whippersnappers in their place. Plus most of the ailments that cannabis can help assuage start showing up around then, so it's a win win.

The next question is when to start legalizing heroin. You can't end with pot at 40 because then you're back to square one. A lifetime of no milestones. I'd say you could safely give heroin to people 55 or older. They've got a lot of aches and pains, presumably they aren't going to over party with it, and you can't be that old and look heroin chic. I defy you to try.

So then we're left with crack. What is the age-appropriate point to start distributing crack. I gotta say for this one, I'm going to go as high as 75. You don't want to give crack to people who are still working and driving and stuff because it's a menace. But a 75 year old? What else has he got to do? His eyes are failing, his erection is no longer functional, and chances are he's shitting his pants on a fairly regular basis. At least this way he could say "I may be in a nursing home and incontinent, but at least I got my crack. Mmmm. That's some gooooood crack. Where's my teeth?"

So that takes care of the seniors up to that age, but what about the even older people? They say in 50 years people will be expected to survive into their hundreds. We can't just let it stop at 75. Crack is nice, but it's not going to keep you occupied for 25 years. That's why I think we should start lifting the caps on more serious crimes later in life. Say at 80 you can steal whatever you want. People can try to stop you, or fight you off, but if you get away with it it's yours. Then at 90 we can eliminate the ban on assault. If you are a 90 year old who wants to KICK SOME ASS you are free to do so without fear of legal recourse. That'll teach those kids to stay off your lawn. Then at 100 we free up the big-daddy and allow murder. Frankly if you can be killed by a 100 year old YOU DESERVE TO DIE. If he runs you down in his Jazzy YOU DESERVE TO DIE. If he manages to slip you a cup of poison tapioca YOU HAD IT COMING.

Now some may claim that implementing these changes will lead to a world of pot-smoking middle aged people trying to remember where they left their cars before the hordes of ancient murderers descend on them and kill them for their love beads. And I would say to what? Is that really so bad? To those who argue that the older people might pass their drugs to the younger generations I will add that this is a TIME HONORED tradition. High school senior trades cigarettes to a 16 year old for a blow job behind the 7-11. College junior plies a freshman with spirits so he can hump her when she's passed out in the hydrangea. 40 year old Hollywood producer gets starlet addicted to coke so he can titty-fuck her on his desk while staring at revenue projections from the latest Corey Feldman DVD. At least now when a 57 year old Ad-Exec gives a 25 year old morphine so she'll let him screw her in the ass in the utility closet she'll know she's getting clean drugs.

Isn't that progress?
  • Current Music
    Mets Game.