June 1st, 2005

Bert

The Epistemology of SUCK

Today I had a revelation. A very sweaty revelation.

No it wasn't with a woman. It also wasn't with a man, for those of you who suspect I swing that way (nosearmy). For once it wasn't even alone in bed with some hand cream and a picture of Estelle Getty*.

This wasn't a pleasure sweat, it was an exercise sweat. I'd been out in the park doing what some might call power walking but for me is more accurately known as speed-lurching, the effect looking somewhat like someone had projected Boris Karloff's Frankenstein monster into one of those funhouse mirrors that makes you fat, and then sped the film up about twofold.

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*though I wish it had been. God I wish it had been.

** I will, however, for the sake of comprehensiveness, make an attempt. To call it a paint peeling smell would do a disservice to the olfactory capabilities of paint. This scent did not make paint peel, it made it run screaming from the locus point (which would be me.) sucking itself up the walls and towards the furthest corner, while emitting a horrible wail. Did you know that paint can scream? Well it can, and it's BLOOD CURDLING. This smell was so bad that not only were birds dropping dead from the sky but the New York City terror alert was briefly switched to red because sensors detected a chemical weapon attack. If not for deep throat revealing himself you would have heard about it already, you still might later. Yeah, that was me.

This smell was so bad that had it wafted up to heaven God himself would have said "Why the fuck did I rest on the seventh day when I could have been working on air freshener. This Glade crap doesn't do shit. It DOESN'T DO SHIT. At least Satan has brimstone down there, that masks the smell. Do you know what I've got? Clouds. Do you know what clouds smell like? NOTHING. They're water vapor. DAMN DAMN DAMN. He's also got all the good music you know. Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Tupac. What do I have? Fred Rodgers and one fuckin' DJ whose only CD is apparently the Best of Bryan Adams. Oh, what's that? You're playing "Cuts Like a Knife" again? What a shocker. So original. Good job! People think I've got Buddy Holly, but no. No. Apparently "Peggy Sue" was too 'racy.' Fuckin Peter, 2 millennia as a bouncer and you think you own this place. I'd start Armageddon but I don't want to give those fucking fundamentalists the satisfaction. Yeah, I put you on earth so you could resist every natural temptation and spend all day chanting my name like a swarm of developmentally challenged lemmings. Good call on the bible interpretation there Chief. THIS SMELL. I should have been a dentist, but no, I had to be god. "Be a dentist, people will always need their teeth fixed. Good money in dentistry." that's what my mom told me, but did I listen? No. I went the deity route. And I'm omniscient so I KNOW about England. I KNOW."

Yes. That bad. Did you throw up a little in your mouth? If not then you have no idea. No idea of the smell. The smell. Oh god the smell.
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Bert

Political update

People who are aware of my political orientation (Such as those of you who know I am THE official token straight liberal of iconoclast's blog) may suspect that you know where I fall regarding the recent French rejection of the European Union's constitution. You may think I side with my Jacques Chirac loving buddies and feel that the French made a mistake in rejection the constitution through referendum.

I do not.

I think the French made the right decision in rejecting the constitution and I hope the rest of Europe does the same. While I am not against some level of government involvement in the lives of its citizenry, especially in terms of protecting people from predatory companies or the ruthlessness of the market, I also recognize that when power vests too heavily in one place corruption is the inevitable result. The centralized government of the European Union has already made many decisions that I find deplorable. An example would be the fact that it refuses to allow British grocers to sell goods by the pound. They were forced to switch to the metric system. This may be a small thing, but it is made more disgusting because it is so small. What business is it of anyone's what measurement unit items are sold by? If they are worried about foreign tourists or residents, well, they almost all have cellphones. Surely if there were a demand cellphone companies could install a pound to kilogram calculator in the devices at virtually no cost to anyone. If the British public preferred the metric system then grocers would switch over due to market forces. This kind of niggling control over minor aspects of life, like the fact that in some states FLORISTS need to be licensed, is a step on the road to complete tyranny.

Tyranny of the majority is a terrible thing in and of itself, but the European government is not elected directly by the people. Instead it is selected by their respective governments. These may be democracies, but it has been shown that the further you remove the political elite from the will of the people the less in touch with it they become. There is a reason that the United States no longer allows state legislatures to select its senators, those senators were not truly beholden to their constituencies. Now you can argue there are trade offs, such senators were perhaps less inclined to pork, but when in doubt remember that the power rests with the people and act accordingly.

Those issues aside, the European constitution itself was simply a bad document. Over 400 pages long and full of articles on a myriad of issues that don't need to be in the constitution, the thing was a mess of conflicting theories of governance and special interest handouts. A constitution should be a relatively simple thing, readable and understandable by all the people it is meant to govern. It should be a structure for the government to be built upon, not a set of laws rules and regulations. The U.S. constitution is excellent in that respect. If you look through it, and the various amendments, you find almost no filler. The only example would be prohibition (that is not a necessary part of government procedure) and that has been repealed. Things like women's rights to vote and banning a poll tax are essential matters of the structure of government. The national anthem and flag are NOT constitutional issues. We have this problem in the States where amendments governing the sale of alcohol (only in mini-bottles!) are shoehorned into constitutions and it's moronic. Europe doesn't need to START with a full slate of silly provisions.

Let the European Union come up with a simple direct constitution readable and understandable by all literate people and containing provisions for direct election of the European parliament and important officials. Let them then put that to the vote in the member states by direct referendum (the current constitution can be ratified by legislatures.) At that point I will support its ratification (assuming that it is good.) Until then I think any country that rejects it is doing a wise thing, and the fact that the European bureaucrats want a re vote or to ratify without France against their own rules shows that its rejection is a wise thing. Regardless of their intentions they clearly want power, and people who want power usually should not be given it.

I would also like to put forward a note on Deep Throat Mark Felt. I do believe he was a hero to this nation and, in fact, to the world. I am, however, somewhat disappointed to learn his identity, specifically that he was so high up in the F.B.I. This is not because I do not approve of his behavior, but rather because of what his choices signify. If someone in that position did not believe that law enforcement could conduct an objective investigation into the Watergate break ins and come up with an objective result then he was probably correct. He believed that pressure from the media was a necessity in bringing the scandal to light. In this day and age when the Republicans have stocked the cupboard with loyalists, rather than competent workers, the chances of another Deep Throat in case of a scandal are remote. Richard Clarke and Paul O'Neill did come out post facto, but they were never the closest confidants of the president and their ejection from his administration early on shows that there are probably few like them left in the ranks of his inner circle. Were a Deep Throat to arise today he would likely be easily identified and crushed by the might of Darth Cheney. We also have a less independent press and a less interested populace.

What all this means is that the lessons of Watergate were learned by those who operate in the shadows, not those who live in the light. They closed ranks, made sure to place obedience above all other qualities, and became better at spin. In response the media turned from watchdog to lapdog. Now we are left with no safety net and no clue as to what dark deeds could be brewing within the walls of the Bush Dynasty Whitehouse.

Deep Throat did the country a great service but while we praise him we must wonder, whither goest the country without another man as sure and true as him to reach out for the helm and put us back on course to waters calm and pure?
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Coal mine bound.

So today is June 1st, the date I set for myself to temporarily give up on getting "paid" "money" in the creative industries and look for a real job so as to become a productive member of society and irresistible to the ladies*. I have been in the legitimate work force before and I don't have to tell all of you what a horrific experience it is. People expect you to show up places at 9:00 AM on a REGULAR basis and wear a patterned noose around your neck while you do it.** In the work place black is white, freedom is slavery, and people actually care if you spill mustard on yourself.

Oh how I hate it.

But to it I must return, for I need the galactic credits that you quaint earth people still call "dollars" and it wouldn't hurt to "Get out of the house once in awhile" and engage in some "Sexual harassment." *Peeks through his blinds.* Sweet Jesus, it burns, the sun, it burns my eyes. What am I doing? What am I DOING?

The first step to getting a job, as all you gainfully employed people know*** is creating a sheet of lies and distortions to ship off to prospective employers. This is called a resume. I always feel conflicted about creating them, since it's one of those situations where they know you're going to lie, and you know you're going to lie, and the whole thing is one big farce. If you actually write what you did at your last job they will assume that you did something much less impressive. So, for example, if you put down "Filed and collated photocopies" they will think you are a retard who wasn't allowed out of his corner except for two 15 minute "pee pee" breaks, and were hired purely for tax purposes. They will think you are qualified only for the most menial and disgusting of tasks, or upper management if you've got an MBA.

This means that you need to stretch the truth, Reed Richards style. For example if you once told a fellow employee (Skippy, the mail boy) where the staples were kept you can put down both "Responsible for managing a team of professional employees in a high stress environment" and "Responsible for procurement and allocation of valuable and sensitive work-related materials."**** They won't ask you what that means because they know you're lying, but they're hoping your bullshit skills will come in handy when their boss wanders by and wonders where that $3 million from the company slush fund got off to.

I don't feel comfortable with that kind of dissembling though, especially since I am PROUD of my credentials (pathetic as they may be*****) and don't want to lie. There's also the awkward possibility that you'll encounter someone who takes your resume seriously and asks you to back up all the things you claim that you did. Or even worse a job that expects you'll have those skills. "Open heart surgery, yes I did list it, but if we're being honest here I meant I'm really good at that game Operation."

I'm not sure what I'll do with the resume. One thought has been to spruce it up with stuff that nobody could possibly believe, but that would make me a reasonable candidate. Things like "My fingers are made of butterscotch butterscotch, and if you offer me a job I will allow you to lick them down to tiny nubs. My lips are deLICIOUS Jujubees which you may consume at any point during the employment process.

I'm just worried that I'm going to end up sitting in front of a chubby woman from HR having this exchange:

Louanne: So, Mr. Kuhntwhenger it says here that your fingers are made of butterscotch.

Me: Yes, yes it does.

Louanne:....Your fingers aren't really made of butterscotch, are they Mr. Kuhntwhenger? If I were to lick them they would taste of finger, would they not?

Me: Yes. Ummm...sorry about that.

Louanne: You may go.

Me: What about-

Louanne: Leave. Now.

I'll probably just end up creating a normal resume with fewer exaggerations than most, and adding "Eats shit well" and "Good at following nonsensical orders from under brained overpaid management" into special skills, just so they know I'm ready to be a team player. That, or I could hang myself with my nicely patterned noose. Mine has firetrucks on it!



*Please note that said ladies whom I would become irresistible to do not actually exist. If they did exist they would be hunted to extinction by poon hungry geeks drunk on the scent of basement-level standards.

** I hate neckties. I cannot express how deep my hate for neckties runs. If I had a choice between wearing a necktie and being kicked in the shin every hour I would have a serious quandary on my hands. I hate neckties so much that I RESEARCHED them and learned all sorts of horrible facts about them. For example did you know that neckties are the direct result of a French king finding the neck coverings of an elite squad of Croatian soldiers aesthetically pleasing? That's right...they're FRENCH. That's where the word cravat came from by the way (It's a corruption of Croat.) All these fancy businessmen are kowtowing to the whims of a dead French king and they don't even know it. I'm not sure whether to find this pleasing or horribly depressing.

***Okay, maybe not iconoclast. He gets jobs purely through THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS. His massive schlong enables him to bypass normal requirements and just walk into any job he desires. If anyone questions his credentials or whether he's been "hired" he just unzips his pants, slams it down on the table, and they gasp and say "We don't need to see any identification." Jedi Dick Trick.

****Use responsible a lot. You want them to think you're responsible. If you write down "Frequently fell asleep while allowing radiation leakage levels to rise to 150% of the allowable maximum under federal law" they will probably not hire you. Even if you worked at McDonald's you were "Responsible for managing essential customer relations and commercial transactions." and "Part of the primary sales force for a multi-billion dollar corporation."

*****My special skills do not include "Big swinging dick"
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