June 5th, 2005


Keep on rolling

For those of you who were like "Oh who needs a treadmill when you have a lovely street to walk in, like a dog or other medium sized quadruped" I want to offer you my thanks. How would I like to offer them? Preferably with like five or ten minutes alone with you in a room. Just you, me, and a hacksaw.

You see there are many reasons not to do exercise doggy-style. I encountered one yesterday. I was going down a staircase in the park at a reasonably fast clip (You have to understand that this staircase is kind of a piece of crap. The stairs are about 14-18 inches from top to bottom and it's old old OLD) when a loose piece of asphalt gave way and I rolled my ankle. Now when I say I rolled my ankle, I mean I FUCKING ROLLED MY ANKLE. I probably went to 90 degrees on it, and as soon as it happened I knew it was going to be a sprain. The pain faded after about a minute but I knew it would return, so I did the only sensible thing. I went four more miles.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Needless to say when I got back and the endorphins faded the pain came back in full force and I can say with confidence that it is, in fact, nicely sprained. Very nicely sprained. I elevated it, duct taped a couple ice packs to it, and waited for the pain to subside, which it really didn't. So I went to sleep, DESPITE the pain (Painkillers are for GIRLS. I cannot stress this enough!) and now I'm up and its swollen and tender and I'm pissed not because of the pain (which there is plenty of) but because I can't walk on it which means I can't go out with my friend Gabe who is in from Italy for the week, and the rest of that malarky.

On the plus side if my writing stinks over the next few days it's because I'm distracted by the fact that my ankle is four times the size it should be and I can't really walk, so I've got that going for me.

As for those of you who were like "Treadmills suck, go out in the street like a dog." I still want to thank you, so let me just grab my hacksaw and we can begin.
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And it's good I'm not angry

Let's be honest here, people love ranting. Whether it's that crazy guy on your corner talking about how he picks up alien broadcasts through the metal plate in his penis or just some dipshit spouting off about how women don't APPRECIATE him, and that chloroform is a sign of love, you love to watch people rant. And why shouldn't you? Ranting is a sign of anger, and anger is the path to the dark side, and the dark side is REALLY FUCKING FUN. The Dark Side is Princess Leia in a gold bikini and SWEET white uniforms that you never have to wash because storm troopers get FREE DRY CLEANING. People like the dark side, they like anger, and they love the rants. They love them.

So, without further ado: It's getting hot in herr so take out all your rage!

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Fear the reaper

I have decided to finally meet the obligations I took upon myself in a a MEME from long ago. Since I am currently laid up with an injured ankle what better use of time could I find than teaching you all a little bit about ranting. So, let us begin where all good tales do, at the beginning.

Homophobia and racism. They both suck. And by suck, I mean, THEY RULE!

Homophobia is the completely normal and rational fear that somewhere out there in the great wide world there is someone who wants to jam his dick into your ass and won't take no for an answer. It doesn't matter how old, fat, ugly, or unfashionable you are; he's out there, circling like the shark from Jaws, his penis hovering menacingly just above the water, waiting to strike.

The homosexual knows no fear. He knows no mercy. He is an unstoppable force with only one desire. To fuck you in the ass. And when he grabs you in his iron grip, and he will, you can't get free because his wrists are unnaturally strong from the THOUSANDS of hand jobs he has given. Once he has you in his grasp there is only one thing you can do, and that is bend over and take it up the ass.

The gay agenda wants you to believe that homosexuals are happy go lucky sophisticated men on the make. It wants you to think that they are no threat to anyone, that we should live and let live. The gay agenda wants you to think that homosexuals can make good parents, loyal spouses, and productive members of society. Nothing could be further from the truth. I ask you, my friends, how can the homosexual be a good parent when he ONLY wants to fuck you up the ass and he WILL NOT STOP until he achieves that goal? He will leave his children unattended in the pursuit of his one true desire. He will abandon his spouse if he must to follow your precious ass across the country, with the unmistakable intention of fucking it. He will call in sick to work if he believes it will be a boon to his ass-fucking plan.

The homosexual is like a ninja in the night, albeit dressed in bright and provocative outfits that are less effective for sneaking than most ninja garb, ever in search of straight men's asses to fuck. He can appear at any time in any place and you will NOT hear him coming. Have you ever wondered why homosexuals are called "Light in the loafers?" It is because they make no sound when they walk across any surface. They are silent killers, but instead of killing you they fuck you in the ass. The average homosexual fucks over 400 individual asses in his lifetime. Just by the law of averages one of those asses is bound to be yours, sooner rather than later.

Should we fear the homosexual? Of course we should fear him. He is an unstoppable ass-fucking machine. Some homosexuals say that we should treat them well because it was not their choice to be homosexuals, they were born that way. Well the deadly Guinea Pig did not choose to be a Guinea Pig but we show them no mercy. Why? Because they are deadly. We shoot them on sight. The homosexual is deadly in his own way. He is deadly to your ass. He must be dealt with in the same way one would a Guinea Pig. Homophobia is a rational reaction to a world of evil fashionably dressed men who have designs of fucking you in the ass. How can it be wrong to want to protect your own ass from a savage fucking? It cannot be wrong. It simply cannot.

Next installment: Racism.
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