June 15th, 2005

Short hair suspicion

Beds for boys

My fellow Americans. In the wake of the recent Michael Jackson acquittal there has been much talk about whether justice was served or not and what will happen to Michael next. I don't care about those things. Instead I ask one simple question.

Where will the boys sleep?

For almost 20 years young boys have relied upon Michael Jackson's bed as the one place in the world they could get a good night's sleep. Literally hundreds of boys flocked to Neverland to ride the ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and get a good night's sleep in Michael Jackson's bed. Now that bed is closed to them, closed forever, and yet it seems that nobody cares about where they will go to get the sleep they need.

Americans as a whole suffer from a sleep deficit that runs into the tens of billions of hours every year. Boys are responsible for at least %40 of that deficit. When a boy isn't sleeping well it spells trouble for him and those around him. He's more likely to try drugs, gain weight, and engage in premarital sex. Sometimes even gay premarital sex. A good night's sleep is critical to a boy's development, and in this country there are millions of boys who aren't getting the sleep they need.

From 1985 through 2005 there was help for these boys. A place they could go to get the rest they needed in a safe and welcoming environment. Michael Jackson's bed. Cuddled up against the warm bosom of Michael Jackson, his spindly pale arms wrapped around them like a gossamer blanket, these boys could drift off to sleep secure in the knowledge that the boogie monster was far away, and that they were loved. It was a glorious thing, and Michael generously opened his heart and his bed to hundreds of young boys in need of his caring ministrations.

Now? That's all over. Due to harsh treatment by overzealous prosecutors Michael has been forced to close his bed to these desperate and needy young boys. Where will they go? It isn't clear. Some will surely choose dangerous sleeping places, like warehouse floors covered in broken glass, train tracks, and active volcanoes. You know how boys are. We are risking the health and well-being of an entire generation. A generation that will grow up without a safe and comfortable place to sleep. A generation that will grow up angry, fat, and gay. It's a catastrophe in the making.

But you can help.

By opening your bed to a needy boy you can help stave off the dangerous under-sleeping of our male youth. By welcoming a delightful young man into your home and bed you can make the world a better place. Please, call us now, at 1-866-555-5555. That's 1-866-JKL-LKJL. Or you can leave a message on this post indicating your willingness to take in a wayward boy and teach him the joys and the pleasures of co sleeping with a loving adult.

Oh, and, no queers please.

Call today, our lines are open, and there are boys in need. Please don't delay. Call us today.
Masa of the force

Help me Rhonda

Despite not being depressed I am still feeling like a shitty talentless writer and feeling more and more like I should just find some dead end job so that I can feed and clothe myself on my long lonely march to an anonymous death. But in a totally upbeat positive way!

I'm not sure what to blame this on. I vacillate almost hourly between feeling talented and intelligent and feeling like a complete and utter poseur. It's not a fun series of vacillations.

One potential fix to this problem would be to buy an air conditioner. An air conditioner would allow me to get better sleep (heat interferes and fans dry out my mouth) and probably lift my mood some. I have two relatively small rooms to air condition so I don't need anything super powerful, just a simple small window unit. Anyone have any suggestions about good brands or online shops (Electronics shopping in NYC is usually expensive, unless you go to Chinatown or Flushing, where there are other issues.)?

The future of the galaxy may depend on it. You are our last hope.
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A hairy situation

Today's episode brought to you by TNT. We know crap.

The following is an actual viewer advisory warning from real professional television.

"The following program may contain content that is sensitive to some viewers. Parental discretion is advised."

Content that is sensitive to some viewers? Really? Is the content going to cry if it's viewed by the wrong people? Will the program be stopped so it can yell "Stop looking at me. STOP LOOKING AT ME?"

Content can't be sensitive to anything. Viewers can be sensitive to content, and a warning about that might go "The following program may contain content that some viewers are sensitive to." But writing it so it makes sense would be HARD, right producer person? It's much easier to just swap out offensive and swap in sensitive without doing the work to rewrite the WHOLE sentence.

Here's a question: Can a program that follows such a SHITTY advisory warning possibly be good?
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    My fan.

Oink Oink sister, get thee to a fat farmery.

Back in early May two longtime readers asked for my opinion about overweight women. I was hesitant to broach this subject because there are a lot of fat chicks who read this journal, and I don't want to offend them. Fat chicks make excellent readers, you know, having so much free time and all.

Here's the basic thing I have to say to all you fat women out there: What the fuck is wrong with you? You have no right to be that corpulent. You're offending nature, god, and most importantly my libido. Put down the Cheetos, get on the treadmill, and lose the damn weight.

Now you might say "Ben, aren't you being a little hypocritical? You're significantly overweight yourself, you know how hard it is to get in shape. Shouldn't you cut these women a little slack?" Interesting point. Interesting, and wrong.

It's not hypocritical at all because I am not a woman. If I were a woman, a bon bon pounding hippo of a housewife, then yes, you would have a point. But I'm not. We have to remember that there are different standards for men and women. For example, a man who is 5'5" is considered short. A woman that height would be considered average. A man's character is judged by his intelligence and success in the world. A woman's character is judged by the shape of her ass. Don't blame me, that's just the way god wants it. Baby.

You see ever since the dawn of man one of the greatest problems humanity has faced has been female overeating. We'd still be in the garden of Eden if Eve had left the goddamn apple on the tree. But she didn't. And trust me, Eve didn't need that apple. She already required a extra large fig-leaf to cover the shame of her genitals, if you get my drift. But she couldn't wait till dinner, she just had to snack. Thus was born original sin.

Fat women have been a problem ever since. Look, nobody can deny that a woman's true purpose is to sexually arouse men. That's why Adam gave up the rib in the first place, so he could get off. Nowadays women have different ideas in their heads. Crazy ideas. Beliefs that they can be valid and useful people even if they don't conform to the ideal body types society wants them to. Some of them even believe that through confidence and personality they can be attractive despite, or even in some cases because of, their zaftig appearance.

So you see what we're up against.

A woman doesn't have to be unreasonably slim or proportioned. If you have a dress size of 4 that's okay. Even a 6 is sometimes acceptable assuming that you have large breasts. If we can't see your ribs unless you're bending over, we'll just have to deal with that. Men aren't monsters.

But these women who let themselves get up to size 8, 10, or beyond? They're a cancer in our society. They're disgusting worthless slobs of no value, even if they're intelligent, well-spoken, or funny. It's not for nothing that America widely rejected the television comedy of Rosanne Barr.

Jesus wants his women slim and attractive, with large breasts and slender waists. That's how he designed and that's how you should remain. It makes me sick when I see these women who eat whenever they're hungry, or are more concerned with their jobs or their interests than working out to maintain an unhealthily thin lifestyle. It makes me sick. And what about these chicks with the slender faces and legs but the huge stomachs? What do they think they're up to? Pregnant? That's just an excuse to eat bundt cake and YOU KNOW IT. Don't lie. Don't you lie to me.

Men put up with a lot of shit from women, ranging from periods to their odd enjoyment of Nora Ephron movies. We put up with that shit to get laid. When they stop being hot they stop being worth it. I'm not against letting women speak (when spoken to) or drive, but respect and cherish a woman whose body doesn't exactly match my vision of ideal femininity?

We might as well let them vote.
Sippin' the hatorade

M.J. Plans his new tour

Michael Jackson just announced on his website that he is planning a new concert tour, to kick off with a two hour special on UPN. The tour will consist of him performing new music and old hits, as well as several other prominent groups and solo acts. It is to be called the "Michael Jackson I would totally screw these artists tour."

"I love touring and I love my fans." Said Michael Jackson in a statement from his Neverland Ranch. "I also love adult human females and their ladyparts. While in the past I have professed my love for children and their lovely innocent selves I would like with this tour to demonstrate how much I enjoy the company of women who are over the age of 18 and possess 2 X chromosomes and no Y chromosome. That is the kind of woman I prefer."

Jackson went on to describe some of the artists on the list. "I am really proud that we managed to get Beyonce Knowles to perform on this tour. She has what I would describe as a luscious fanny, a very round and feminine tushy, and one that I greatly appreciate in how much it is not flat like that of a little boy. In fact I would say that Beyonce's bodacious buttocks are about as far as you can get from a little boy's tight little bumbum. Teehee. Furthermore I must express my desire to tap the aforementioned bottom belonging to miss Beyonce Knowles. I sure would like to hit that."

"We also have Ms. K.D. Lang on tour with us, and let me say that she is very very sexy. I must admit that K.D. Lang and I have engaged in many carnal relations over the past years, and I believe that she has as much desire for me as a man as I do for her as a woman. When we are together the sparks are extremely electric, and let me say that when she shares my bed with me it has a very distinct difference from what it's like when I share my bed with children. One is a pure pristine experience born out of loving friendship, and the other is a deeply carnal collision of unbridled sexuality and lust. Hee hee hee. K.D. Lang is a beautiful lady and I am glad to have her on this tour of women I would totally screw."

"I must add that we also are featuring world-famous performer Janet Jackson, another woman I would love to have sex with. When Janet Jackson exposed her nipple to the world during that super bowl I must admit that I got a woodie. Some might assume it was from the two boys who were sitting on my lap at the time, but that is not true. It was from the beautiful appearance of the female breast, and Janet's is a breast I would love to fondle. Janet and are like two souls in the same body, I feel like I have known her forever. When we make love it will be like we are shattering the rules and laws of society with our unbridled passion. What I can't help thinking is, if Janet is this beautiful, how hot must be her mother? Teeheee."

"Our final participant in the women I would to screw tour is...Li'l Bow Wow why how did you get on this list you naughty boy? It looks like someone needs a spanking. You are not a woman and I would not want to screw you. I would never want to feel the softness of your budding pectorals beneath the warm caress of my pale hands. Nor the gentle wetness of the inside of your mouth as I run my tongue over yours and they embrace. That would disgust me beyond all other things. Oh Li'l Bow Wow This tour is not for you, but I do hate to disappoint my fans, tee hee. I guess I will just have to make due. Hee hee"

There will be other women on the tour with Michael, but in order to protect them from his animal lust they will be asked not to speak to, look at, or be in the same room with Michael while on tour. This is because his pure sexual lust could grab hold of him at any time and force him to do things he will regret. Things he would never do to a young boy sleeping in his bed.

The tour will start at the Apollo theater in New York City where the UPN special will be filmed and then proceed to the following venues:

Greendale Community Center - Greendale New York
Pawtucket Elementary School Auditorium - Pawtucket Massachusetts
The West Hensington Gymboree- West Hensington New Hampshire
The Gail Berman Maternity Ward - Province Illinois
The Killberry Auditorium - Kansas City Kansas
Busy Bee Day Care Center - Morristown Mississippi
Jonathan Lipnicki's House - Los Angeles California.

If you mention the code "Michael loves adult female humans" at the gift shop at any of these locations you can get the Michael Jackson discount. Children's clothing, half off.
Dance For Mazzie

Celebrity through the window

Hollywood California June 15th 2005

Hollywood California, a city of glamor and excitement. The movie capital of the world, the place where mere mortals ascend into the sky to become stars of the silver screen. Hollywood has seen a lot of changes through the years. From the early days of silent cinema and mysterious silent stars, through the golden era of the '30s and 40's, the rise of the talk show and then the tabloid, and the continuing evolution of the public relations machines that keep us all enthralled and excited about the latest loves and losses of our favorite celebrities.

Today Hollywood is seeing yet another adaptation in its lengthy process of evolution* as a city. It is becoming a city of bubble men.

You see there have always been bubble people among us. Mostly young boys with devastating immunodeficiency diseases who had to be segregated in a sterile environment so that they might live. Several films have been made about their travails, staring such luminaries as John Travolta and Jake Gyllenhaal. These movies brought the plight of the bubble people to our attention and entertained us with their heartwarming tales.

But now the ranks of the bubble men are growing, and they are growing mostly with celebrities. You see with the advent of high definition television celebrities must be more and more careful with their appearance. A single scar or wrinkle can ruin a career when it is broadcast into millions of homes blown up 10 times in crystal clear high-def. Sharp objects, diseases such as acne or chicken pox, and even the rays of the sun now threaten every actor's livelihood. The response has been almost unanimous. "Get me in a bubble."

The first celebrity to "bubble up" as they say was teen sensation Chad Michael Murray. Murray has lived in a bubble for almost 2 years now, and he says that it's not that different from living in the outside world except that you can't touch anyone or anything, and you have to eat through a small valve in the side of your bubble. Still Murray wouldn't change it for the world, especially since learning that his arch-rival Christopher Pine recently suffered a disfiguring scar almost 1.2 centimeters in length during a game of Monopoly gone horribly wrong. (Pine's spokeswoman will not release the details, but rumors have it that there was some sort of tussle over who got to be the battleship.)

Following Murray were such Hollywood luminaries as Alicia Silverstone (Bubble woman for 7 months) Bridget Fonda (5 months), and Matthew Perry (Nobody knows). Each has sought to protect him or herself from the ravages of the world with a thick layer of clear plastic. Other celebrities considering the lifestyle change include Madonna, Lindsay Lohan, and several power couples who are thinking about commissioning special bubbles that would still allow for genital to genital contact with a fellow star via a series of complicated hatches and, at least in one case, a dumbwaiter.

How has the paparazzi reacted to the bubbling of Hollywood. "I for one am for it" said Vincente Patrini, an Italian sleaze bag photographer. "The stars used to be able to punch you if you got to close or take your camera. Now they can just sort of roll in your general direction, easy to dodge. Plus you would not believe how easy it is to obtain valuable urine and fecal matter from their waste hoses."

As the bubble people continue to multiply there is no foreseeable end to this trend. As one star put it "Look, I'm tired of breathing the same air as the uninsured, the unemployed, and even the homeless. It's like, society has long put me on a pedestal, why not in a protective plastic bubble? While I wait here on Earth for the special moon base to be completed I might as well have some sort of defense to all that horrible disease out there."

Of course bubble life is not all rarefied air and dumbwaiter sex. There's a dark side. For one thing the bubble's computerized atmosphere cleansers tend to make pot smoking a uniquely unpleasant experience, and for another some directors have balked at allowing a bubbled star on to their movies. "Okay, I can't have my lead actor wrapped in like cellophane. That doesn't work." Says notoriously picky auteur Alexander Payne. "I can't even get a mic in there to pick up what they're saying!"

Others don't find this an issue. "Dialog is for losers" says famous producer Jerry Bruckheimer. "In fact I'm not going to talk anymore in this interview, I'm going to communicate through images." He then adjusted his package, stood up, started flapping his arms and making "Vroom vroom" noises for about 15 minutes before leaving in a car made of solid gold.

Whatever your opinion on the trend of the bubble people one thing is sure and that is that it's here to stay. "I never felt safe around the poor before" said recently bubbled Paris Hilton. "Now I know I'll never have to touch one. It's a real sense of security." She then rolled off, accidently missing her turn on to the freeway and plunging into the Pacific ocean where she floated for an hour before being rescued by a helicopter. Yes Hollywood is the land of dreams and stars, but it's a constantly changing place as well. Poker yesterday, bubbles today, a moon base tomorrow. Tinseltown is never the same for long. Sorry if that, bursts your bubble.

*Evolution is a theory not a fact.