June 20th, 2005

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Spam for Jesus (Credit to the boondocks)

My fellow Americans, or Christians if you prefer, we are at a crossroads. A crossroads between sin and redemption. Between hope and degradation. Between filthy deviancy, and pure pure whiteness.

Our society has come to a point where it must make a choice. Will it go down the road paved by the liberals? A road leading to fatherless children, unfettered sexual appetites, and homosexuals as far as the eye can see. Or will it go down the road of righteousness. Families headed by a strong father with a belt in one hand and a bible in the other, sex repressed and looked upon as a filthy disgusting act of depravity and sin, and homosexuals in the concentration camps where they belong? I do not know the answer, but I do know one thing, and that is that you can make a difference. You can make a difference in the culture war and in the future of this great nation, and the way you can do that, is through spam.

Now my Christian friends I am not talking about the delicious lunch meat I know you all enjoy. I am talking about electronic mailings on the information superhighway. A lot of people in the evangelical community focus on older problems, problems like filth on the television, or sexual education in our public schools, or the Jews. These are real and dangerous problems that must be dealt with, but we must likewise be proactive and deal with the problems of the future. Problems like internet spam.

Every day unwanted internet email delivers millions upon millions of pieces of pornography to unsuspecting Christians in the workplace and in their homes. A Christian man has no interest in farm girls who engage in unholy acts with horses. Or cattle. Or the occasional sheep-woman-goat threesome. He does not want to know about it. Likewise a Christian man will not buy Viagra or Cialis or other erectile enhancing drugs over the Internet, no matter how pleasurable they make sexual encounters, or how hard and rigid the erections they create are. A Christian man is not seduced by poorly written offers of horny housewives in your neighborhood waiting to get it on with you, at least not more than a few times.

But spam is a problem. Enough bombardment with offers for sex and drugs can turn even the most diligent Christian into a raging homosexual out there trolling for the butt sex. I remember one email address I had I would get up to 3 or 4 offers for sex or sex related products every week. And I was tempted. But I overcame it. So we must be aware of the dangers of the spam and we must fight against it and what it seeks to do to us and our children. Corrupt and subvert, that is the tactical method preferred by the spammer. Spam is the tool of the devil and we know that.

But we can also make it the tool of god. You see while the current spammers seek to turn Christians into gays with their offers of hot Latinas in various of undress, or their listings of perverse sexual acts you can view, acts they call things like: The Dirty Sanchez, the Blumpkin, the muff diver, Willy Wonka's chocolate factory tour, knocking on the doors of brown heaven, side by side down the rosie road, the backdoor blitzkrieg, monkey in the middle, the Witchita Whirlwind, and of course the Nicomachean ethics of Hubert B Brownnose. The current spammer seeks to DESTROY religion, but we can use his tools against him.

It is time, my friends, for Christian spam. Not just in small amounts like we have seen in the past, but huge waves of it in every inbox in America. We must fight fire with fire, brimstone with brimstone, and the sick perversions of the pornography with the sweet love of Christ.

I want you to go to www.spamforchrist.com and download the program there. It will allow you to send out electronic mail to all those you know, saved and unsaved, with the glory of the gospel. We must teach them that drugs cannot create a healthy life, only Christ can. Your penis does not harden through the use of Levitra, it is hardened through the loving touch of Jesus Christ. Naughty schoolgirls are not waiting in the wings to fulfill your every fantasy and bring you to a world of untold ecstasy. Jesus Christ is. Does Jesus Christ do double anal? In a way. He does double anal of the soul. Jesus can't give you a home-equity line of credit, just a line of credit in heaven. Even the Muslim and the Jew will want to buy some of what Christ's selling.

Armageddon is being fought right now. Fought not on the battlefields of Israel but in the hearts and minds of e-mail users across the globe. It is time to strike back for Jesus. Next time someone opens one of those dastardly emails that says "Hello sexy, I have been waiting for you, I am a young hot girl with big bouncy titties" in the subject line, let him open it to a picture of Jesus and bit of scripture that will let him feel shame for wanting to see the naked female form when he could be looking upon the face and body of Christ. Let's get people hot for Jesus, not horny housewives. With enough spam the unbelievers will come around, you can only hold out so long from Jesus Christ. It's time to take him into the information age and show people that Jesus Christ isn't just a carpenter who lived 2000 years ago, he's also a product in the information age, one that can be marketed just like Erectile dysfunction drugs or American flag bumper stickers.
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Help Me Help Me

Help ME, help ME.

This is not a cry for help. At least not a desperate one.

Instead it's a request. I need to work up a few writing samples for some of the jobs I'm applying to. I am soliciting ideas for pieces of mine you've seen that I can polish up and use as such. Preferably I would get two comedy pieces and two more "essay" oriented ones. You can identify them by title, subject matter, or whatever. If you have a vague memory of something from the past you can do that too. Feel free to either comment in this entry, or to put in answers in a poll if you'd like to keep your COMPLETE AND UTTER DEVOTION TO EVERYTHING I WRITE a secret between only you, me, and the hotel concierge.

Thanks!

Poll #516602 Help me help me

Give me ideas in PRIVATE

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Funkmueller knows all

At approximately 3:07 PM on Monday June 20th 2005 Herbert P. Funkmueller discovered absolute truth at the Texas Taco stand on La Cienega Boulevard in L.A.

"I was just sitting there, eating a delicious taco, reading some literature that Pastor Gus had given me, when I realized I know the essential nature of the universe." Funkmueller took another bite of his overstuffed burrito before continuing. "You know it's great knowing everything, really takes a load of the mind. Like this burrito, why's it so delicious? Cilantro? No, it's 'cause of Jesus."

Funkmueller has claimed ultimate enlightenment before, once upon reading a Chick Tract he found near the unleaded pump at a gas station, and once during a particularly intense session of marijuana smoking, but this time he is confident he has it right. "Those other times were mistakes, sure, but what does that have to do with anything? When you're dealing with ultimate truth the past isn't relevant. I know what's real. Pastor Gus wouldn't lie, he didn't take an 8 week course in theology to dick me around."

Since becoming enlightened Funkmueller has taken a dim view on those whose beliefs differ from his own. "Idiots, all idiots. They're going to hell if they don't wise up. Hindus? Muslims? They don't know squat about ultimate truth. And what about those Baptists? Can't get dumber than a Baptist. Hell for them I tell you. No mercy. They're going to burn." Funkmueller also takes a dim view on those who argue that there's no evidence for his version of the truth. "No evidence? I have a bible. It's a book. It is almost 2000 years old. No evidence? What more do you want? Those scientists with their lies about the 'evolution.' Have you ever seen evolution? Pastor Gus told me that the world is only 6,000 years old, but they want to say there were dinosaurs millions of years ago. Poppycock. Dinosaurs roamed the earth with early man. It's obvious. Nothing could kill something that big except for God, because he's even bigger."

Over a pitcher of Sangria Funkmueller scoffed at claims of those who argue that others have claimed ultimate enlightenment in the past only to be proved wrong. "Yeah there were mistakes made, but those were in the past. People who say that we'll look back on the way we've treated gays as equivalent to segregation are just liars and idiots. Look we all know now that black people are like anyone else, but gays? They choose that lifestyle, and that's not a choice any sane man would make. Whatever they've got coming they've got coming if you know what I mean. Yeah everyone who has claimed ultimate enlightenment before me has been an idiot, but I'm right. Aquinas, Newton, Jefferson? Morons morons morons. They didn't know anything. You got to get up earlier in the morning than that to pull one over on old Herbie Funkmueller I'll say that. I know everything about everything important and my opinions will never change because they are all exactly correct and you can't say otherwise."

When asked what he intended to do next Funkmueller said that he might have another taco, because they are pretty darn good, and then go to a synagogue or Catholic church and yell at the morons there who just don't get it like he does. After that he said he might send a warning letter to "them Chinamen" informing them of the eternal hellfire that awaits if they don't shape up and worship Jesus exactly like he does. Then a nap, and maybe a nice BBQ dinner. He said he'd leave that last part up to Jesus.
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